General Chat

Sometimes I don´t want anybody to know how bad Mum is,I wonder if that´s because I don´t want to own up for myself-
But Mum has dementia and over the weekend we have been a hostage in Bembridge and the next day we had only just returned from france. We also sadly had the comment I have been all round the world now and it´s time I came home to stay with you. We also had Mum remembering that she is out here to live with me AND she asked about that. Yes it still is an option I said truthfully and it is truthfully even tho´others don´t think it. I made a promise and I will keep it.
I hate me making promises.
But my Mum will live with me at some stage. I may hate it but I have to realise that she doesn´t know what she is saying.
I will hate it as I am finding visiting her hard but a promise is a promise :-)

I am no different to any other daughter who´s parent has dementia

bless you Uzzi. <3 <3 <3 to you and yours.

thankyou

Hello Uzzi,

I have every sympathy for your situation. My MIL has dementia and lived with SIL until it became unfair to them both, from a health and safety perspective. SIL did a fantastic job but in reality couldn't keep MIL at home any longer.
MIL now lives in a fantastic care home in the next town to us.

Dementia is such a cruel disease, I wonder if more so for the family watching the demise of their loved one. My daughter loves her Nana but the 'now' Nana is not the person daughter 'knew', if that makes sense.
It is very hard visiting MIL, I am sure she recognises her children but perhaps can't name them, it is hard to have any thing other than a basic converstion with her. Questions to her just confuse her, though there are moments of lucidity.

I wish you well with your Mum, just remember to look after you too. Sometimes we just can't keep a promise - however much we want to, no one should feel guilt in this situation.

best wishes,
Susan

Uzzi, hang on in there, I am sure things will work out ok in the end, and if your promise is no longer able to be kept, then don't beat yourself up about it. You have done the best you can for your mother, with all her problems, and cannot take everything on your shoulders. Your health and well being and that of your o.h. are important too so take a few days at a time, and trust in fate.

Been thinking about you, take care, hope the mutts are ok

love
Lizxx

Uzzi, when my OH was first diagnosed I told him it was high time we did enduring power of attorney as I had spoken of it several times but never got around to doing it. He was reluctant to sign his form and finally said in a small voice 'I dont want to go into a rest home'. I told him I had no intention of putting him into one unless I needed a break. I had to add that rider, because I knew I might need a rest at some stage. He signed.

When the time came for him to go into care because it was getting too much for me and he was doing some potentially dangerous things he didnt want to go into the hospital for 'a few tests' which is what the doc suggested to him. I burst into tears and pleaded with him to go for my sake as I needed a break. He finally agreed, not knowing (as I did) that he wouldnt be coming home again. I felt a bit guilty about that but I knew that if he didnt go I would have a break-down and then he would have had to go anyway.

As has been said, you must remember your own health, no matter what.

Uzzi.
As long as you are satisfied that your Mum is being well cared for, you´re not breaking your promise. She can still visit you & you her as long as you are able & she can maybe come to you for weekends/short breaks.
We make promises according to conditions that prevail at the time.
Circumstances change & no one can blame themselves for that.
If either you or your OH were to need care in the near future & your Mum was living with you, it would be even harder to find a suitable place for her.
What we tend to forget is that we (the children) are no longer in our first flush of youth & what we can do now, we may not be able to do in a few years time.
Wishing you well.
Marion

Having very recenty settled my own mum into a Care Home, because it became impossible for me to be able to look after her in her own home, I struggle with the choices I have made, and can fully understand what you are going through at the moment Uzzi.

One part of me feels sheer relief - that I no longer have the responsibility, the hard work, the headaches & heartache which came with looking after her for the last year; the relief of knowing she is being properly cared for 24/7, and above all, that she is safe. The relief of knowing I can now go back and live with my ever patient husband.

The other part is the guilt part - guilt that I should be the one looking after her in her old age, and wondering if I couldn't have done things better.
And then I have to ask myself, better for who?
If anything happened to me, what would happen to mum? I'm no spring chicken, I don't have the energy and stamina I had 20 or 30 years ago!

I have to remind myself that she has the best care where she is now.
On a good day she knows full well where she is and why; other times she thinks she's staying in a posh hotel on holidays (not far from the truth in reality); other times she thinks she works there. But she's not unhappy there, that's the main thing.
Once or twice she has said she'll go home when she's better. And I just agree with her. The house is about to be sold to pay for her care but I just can't tell her that. In fact I find myself going along with many strange things she comes out with, it's easier (for her) and a bit weird for me!!

Dementia only gets increasingly worse, and I have to accept that the day would always have come when it was impossible for me to continue to look after my mum.
With all the will in the world, it's extremely difficult to keep a promise when circumstances change. We have to change accordingly. I would suggest you leave the situation as it is for now Uzzi and don't worry about your promises for the time being. In time your mum is likely to need more and more specialist care, and you may find yourself accepting that she is in the best place.

Take care of yourself Uzzi,
you can always pm me if you need to chat :-)

Karen xxx

I feel your pain uzzi believe me I do, I could weep when once I asked my mum the time she began to answer the big hand is on 3 and little hand on 2, this is the women that taught me to tell the time, I can cope with being asked the same question 4 times with in the space of half an hour, I can cope when she asks if I am her sister and I have to remind no I am your daughter Hayley, I even understand that one, no make on hair washed and fluffy I do look like my mum so my face is obviously familair, if she looses anything someone has been in and stolen it, with I find hard to deal with is she knows at times she forgets and gets confused and the hurt on face as I know at times she realises, leaves me in tears, I dont mind having to help wash bathe and dress her , she makes me smiles when she squeals she doesnt want her hair or face washed, I am fairly used being called every female name under the sum but my own, want I cant cope with is the look of terror in her eyes and how scared she gets, but normally a big hug sorts that out.

Your not a lone Uzzi. <3

More or less repeating what K in the desert has said, but more bluntly…

In my opinion, having your mother to live with you would be a tremendous mistake. From your posts over the years, you have chequered history, and even if she were in the best of mental health, you would have rubbed each other up the wrong way, and *you* would the one to suffer.

Being a hands-on-carer for someone with dementia is a 24 hour job whilst living on a knife edge…what is she up to now? Has she gone walk-about at 2am? Did she turn the stove off or is she keeping an eye on the frying pan/toaster etc?

You promised your father that you would look after her. That is exactly what you are doing by finding her the best residential care available. If you could find a suitable place which is easy for you to reach by public transport you could pop in daily and take her out or just chat over a cuppa. Knowing that you are a frequent visitor would also mean that the Staff would treat her with extra care and you would pick up on anything they have missed.

Even if you went ahead with the plans to jointly purchase a suitable domestic property, by the time everything was legal and the place decorated/furnished, you may find that a move would be very unsettling for her and that she would want to go ‘home’. Her condition may well have deteriorated to the point where even you acknowledge that you wouldn’t be able to cope.

I have had (limited) experience of hands on caring for demented parents and it’s not easy. Admiration to those who can, but as Huia has said there comes a time when even the most dedicated person can no longer cope.

<3

Uzzi, I hope you are listening to what we are saying. As Det says, in getting her into a care home you are keeping your promise to your father. They can care for her so much more easily as it is not a 24/7 job for them as it would be for you. The carers where my OH is are just great, and I am feeling a million times better than I had been 3 years ago. I visit him once a week. I would go more often but it is a 1 hour drive away and I have a life outside visiting him. I am not sure if he knows who I am but I chat away to him anyway. As he had had a bit of a stroke in hospital he doesnt say much and when he does I have difficulty hearing and understanding what he is saying, but I dont let it bother me. I hold his hand, hoping the contact helps.

Just look after yourself and your OH and let the carers look after your mum, since they are trained and paid to do it, pr at least they are here in NZ so I hope they are wherever you manage to get your mum. Best of luck.

As my Dad suffered Dementia I can sympathise with your situation Uzzi,and can relate to everyone's struggle in trying to look after a loved one.
It's so hard day after day seeing them change from the strong person they were to becoming childlike.
After he suffered several strokes me and family,after many painful debates, agreed to settle Dad into a specially chosen care home. I went to see him every day. I found it very hard to live with the guilt I felt at that time even though I knew he was in a safe place.

As others have said take care of yourself Uzzi and know you have made the right decision and kept your promise.
Mau xxx

Uzzi, you have so much support and advice (good advice) on this thread that you must realise that what everyone is saying is right. Fortunately I have no direct experience of dementia but I can see that the advice that you are keeping your promise by making sure your Mum is looked after, is sound advice.

As always thinking of you. <3 <3 <3

My mother has dementia, she is in a home and is being looked after well. She had to be moved from one home because of her violent outbursts. My mother has seven children but she only remembers 3 out of the seven. Her three eldest me being one of them. But I know it won't be long before she forgets who we are. They are in a safe place, because off their mood changes the staff are wonderful. Dementia patences need consistance, change could end up making them worse. Uzzi bless you dont beat yourself up.

If you want your mum to live with you,,now is the best time to do it as progressivly its as good as its going to be....

but..your life will be on hold till a time you can no longer cope,then she will be uprooted for another move.......dementia takes its own path and its not some some sweet old person losing a grip,,,it can with progress make the person become violent & aggressive with frustration that they realise something isnt right or what it should be....

your mum at the moment is in a safe place watched and cared for 24/7,Can you devote that lump out of your life,,,as even to go shopping will be a major event as someone will have to stay home and look after mum.! plus all the undignified jobs that will need doing not just once but could be many times a day.

then ther is the safety aspect,,,,,chains,bolts, remembering at all time to turn the mains off from water to gas to electricty........

in all fairness leave mum where she is she is growing into routine,familar faces and voices and surroundings.

Lucid days will get few and far between and you will grow very resentful,which has a knock on effect to those around you.

There thats brunt,but fair.

Uzzi, so many here have given good advice with most having experience of a parent/ OH with dementia, The truth is that dementia only gets worse and it takes an immense toll on the carer as it can be and often is a 24 hour job for the carer. Being honest I could not have cared for my mom at home and even with my sister doing 50% and later more than that it was very very difficult. If you are happy that the care she has now is good I would say you are most definitely taking care of your mum.
Taking care of someone doesn't mean they have to live with you.

Best wishes to you and to your mum


Kay has been quite blunt in her post but everything she has said is how it is for the majority of home carers. It was certainly like that for my sister and me .

All I can say is please take everyones advice - it sounds about right to me. At present my mom is being tested for dementia - she is in hospital and is not a happy person - from what my sister says sge dies not sound like our mom either. So Uzzi you take care of yourself and hubby - you are doing everything possible for your mom and she is getting 24 hour care that she needs.
Sending you (((((((((HUGS)))))))))
Love Mary xx

My MIL lives with us and she has dementia,
i hate it. I only put up with it because I support my wife. Putting her in a care home permanently or just for respite is not an option. Our social life, in fact all aspects of life are in limbo. Over time i have come to despise the MIL, her personal cleaniness and habits disgust me. If anyone reading this is contemplating such a prediciment -DONT DO IT.

Thats very brave of you to say what you did Bipper and you wife is very lucky to have you to support her

If you live in the UK/England, there are various support groups for carers. Some are run by Social Services, others by the Alzheimers society. Do look for them, in the phone book or on the Internet, and both of you make use of them. <3

Bipper.....blunt and honest and I admire you being honest,,but your OH wont see it like that as its her parent and with it comes the love for her but how long can your OH cope?,,,,,,,although your OH is not seeing how its affecting your partnership.

Dementia goes up and down and many days can be a joy other days are the ones that make days seem like a week......in 24 hours the of love caring for a parent can turn to total dislike of being in the position that all care is down to you with no respite.!