General Chat

Thrilled for those of you that have had positive reconnections with family. Families are imperfect and in most families l guess there is always the odd few out lol. I feel for those of you that have also had negative experiences with reconnecting or connecting for the first time.

But good on you for taking the first step, someone has to and who knows maybe one day we will see the fruit of that.

I’ve found this genealogy thing fascinating to say the least. I did the DNA test with ancestry so that will be interesting. A few hidden skeletons in the closet, this should confirm that lol

Mums side of the family want me to do theirs now... lm gonna be bogged down for the next century! Lol thanks to you all for your support, really appreciate it and for your openness in sharing your experiences x

Oh yes,indeed. That is narcissism at it's finest.

If that side of my family can do nothing else they can do exhibition narcissism.

Okay, half delete 'flaw', but she seems a little self-obsessed!

She didn't carry it around with her.

The one she sent me was in a font that looked like handwriting, was signed by her with love from (?). Every sentence began with an I and, for reasons I can fathom, she had a picture of an angel in the corner!

Sharron - she kept, and carried around - a copy of a nasty letter she sent to her sister?

....of course, that's not a 'flaw' in her character is it! :-D

Friendships are made - relatives are foisted upon us! :-D :-D :-D

Sounds as if you're well out of it Sharron! Perhaps I am too!!!!

My cousin, who I had not seen for some fifty years,contacted me through GR. This was when Fred was alive and I needed to get the planets in alignment before I could go anywhere.

I met her a couple of times when she related every illness she had ever had and showed a copy of quite a nasty letter she had sent, pointing out the flaws in her sister's character. I said I would not like to be on the receiving end of a letter like that.

I met her one more time and range her a few more times when, quite unexpectedly, one of her letters arrived, detailing my failings , especially that she didn't like the way I talked about my dad because she wished hers was 'still around'. Understandable I suppose, he only died in 1966 or thenabouts and would have been about 110 at the time she wrote.I decided I would just ignore it and forget about her.

Blow me down if I didn't get an e-mail asking me if I had received her letter and giving me details of what was wrong with her this time. I was not going to become embroiled in her capers so I wrote her a letter telling her how pleased I had been to receive her letter. Mine was in ink and with perfect grammar too, I meant it.

There were the odd FB nice comments which I hid and a message which she didn't mean as an apology I am sure but I answered it as if she had and she barred me on FB and that is just the way I like it.

I didn't need her for fifty years and was evidently not the cousin she wanted me to be and I really had too much to worry about without all that.

The only one interested in my family genealogy is my son in law.

He and I over the years have been like two little children who have
struck gold when we unearth the secrets of our ancestors.

Before I was married my maiden name was Gray. :-)

I have relatives in America who have not been able/want to
know about their Scottish side of the family, hey ho onwards
and upwards.

My mum didn't have the best of upbringings.
The second daughter (her dad wanted a boy), a son was born 10 years later - and my mum was expected to look after him, while her elder sister got on with life, and granny 'did her thing'.
When mum married dad at 17, and immediately went to Malta, her siblings (especially her sister) were not too happy. The siblings stayed in the South.
As we lived, for most of our lives, a long way from Hampshire, we didn't really get to know our cousins.
I met my aunts 7 children twice, my uncle's 4 children once.
Things got worse when granny was admitted into a home.
The siblings didn't want to sort the house out (granny was a hoarder), but as they both had keys, were more than happy to take what they wanted.
Had they asked - they could have had, (with a little support on the clearing out) but they didn't want to help.

At granny's funeral, it got worse. Uncle made sure there was no room for mum in the front pew, and was downright rude.
Our cousins were there, but we daren't talk, because of the attitude of their parents.

When our mum died, I contacted my uncle, and asked him to tell his other sister - only to find out, she had died 2 years earlier!
I believe my uncle is now dead.

So it's not just 'distant' relations :-(

However, two of my siblings and I all have 2 children.
They were regularly in contact as children, at least at Christmas and Summer family gatherings.
Those children now have 8 children between them (okay 5 of them are my grandchildren), and we still regularly meet at least twice a year - that's all 8 - obviously my 5 see each other, and as one daughter and my nephew both live in Worthing, their children see each other regularly.
So, cousins and second cousins see each other - and it's lovely!
I'm 'granny' to my grandchildren - and my great nephews and niece.
My sister is 'grandma' to her - and my grandchildren.
My sister's a widow, so all of the children refer to my ex as 'Poppa' - yes, he's invited to family gatherings too! :-D :-D

One of my nephews has, within the past 2 years got 'into' genealogy, so I send him copies of what I've got, and we share information we've gleaned.
However, my eldest Grand daughter (15) is also interested.
Once she's left school/6th form/University, she will have more time.

Oh, that's ok Gray. I think you and I share roughly the same story. It's disappointing and sad. I have often wondered what my paternal family are like, whether we would have shared any common interests. To be told that first cousins want absolutely nothing to do with you because of events that were not your fault is a bit hard, but there you go!!!!

As it happens, we’re having lunch with a 2nd cousin of OH’s today for the first time. Her father & OH’s father were cousins.

I wouldn’t normally go out of my way to physically meet, but she’s desperate to connect with extended ‘family’. As far as I’m aware, there was no falling out between the original siblings; they just lost touch when her grandfathers work took him out of the area.

Mind you, as her own father was a bit of a philanderer, she’s half expecting a knock on the door from someone trying to find out about their biological roots.

My daughter and grandchildren have no interest at all in genealogy
I know when I go the house will be sold as they all have their own so it will be a big clear out
I do hope she doesn't bin all my hard work and certificates that I dread to think how much I spent on them . I have expressed my wish that she doesn't but bet she does

:-(

Sometimes fate plays a hand.........

After my mum died, I wanted to take my grandson (then older primary school age ) to Wales, to show him the area, where she grew up. It was, I suppose a way of passing on her memories to the next generation.

I looked online for a family B & B in the right area and duly phoned.There was no vacancy for the time we wanted, but "Could I recommend my friend, who also has a B & B?"
We went to stay with the friend and during the week chatted to our host about why we were visiting the area. I told her the name of relatives, who had lived in nearby villages.
"Not Lizzie Jenkins, Mill Farm?"...... " I write to her granddaughter, she lives in Folkestone".

Once home, we made contact and have met often to chat and share family stories.

If we'd gone to the 1st B & B I'd never have known that I had a relative in the area. Our mothers were cousins and it's been lovely to meet up and get to know the person only previously known to me as a little girl of about 4 in mum's photo box.
She's a great grandmother now.

Admittedly there had been no feud in our case, but her mum had died very young leaving 3 children and their father moved the family far away, when looking for work. Several remarriages later, the family had lost track of them.

I guess I've been lucky with extended family members so I can't understand why people won't help. There are fall-outs and get-togethers in every family but I believe it's childish to carry feuds through generations - in fact, to even carry feuds is pointless.

The line I struggled to find out anything about was the line of my real surname. I persevered because I am a curious bod. Finally, one evening, I picked up the phone book and saw two names that matched my real name; rang the first and was passed on to the second. I had struck gold - they were fantastic amateur genealogists who sent me pages of information about that unknown line of my family.

I got together several times over a few years for coffee and lunch with second and third cousins of that line but old age and illness has caught up with some of us. Every last one of them has been marvellous and a joy to meet - sociable, knowledgeable and very friendly. And what a collection of occupations to add to our already-broad collection as well as varied blood groups - something I was particularly interested in. It was wonderful to see that my direct family was not the only one with so many members in so varied careers - and now I know where it comes from.

All in all, a great opportunity handed to me by a lovely couple to whom I shall always be grateful.

So, I say, if you are rebuffed, persevere even by simply asking the shy ones one question because it could lead to openness eventually.

With another line, my aunt left a lot of information because she had travelled to look at parish registers to check with what was in the family bible. Upon her death, my cousin gave me copies of everything as well as an old tape of my Mum playing piano and Dad singing - I never knew it existed. Unfortunately, we have not managed to trace the bible but we keep hoping. That information also led to a cousin who had been looking for me (or anyone from my 3 x gt grandmother's line) for several years. Several of us met and a strong friendship has sprung up between a few of us who gelled particularly well.

Shirley, I, too, get glazed looks from some immediate family members but one day ....further down the line ..... they or their dependants may be glad of whatever you leave them. I have three folders containing BMD certificates and copies together with a lot of typed information ready to be passed on when I kick the bucket.

And I reckon they're in for a treat! :-D <3

Magpie I missed that first post so sorry :( I think you understand my disappointment and I dare say its the same story with my family, they just can't go there. One day though who knows maybe that rift will be healed.

Oh wow PatinCyprus that is weird... I'm waiting for the DNA to come back hopefully only a few more weeks but will be interesting!

Yes agreed SylvainCanada, you need to be specific as I have been.

But you would think a 1st cousin looking for family would be interested. I possibly shouldn't have expected so much from them given past traumas that occurred on both sides. It's sad I missed out on an Aunt growing up though and sad that my dad before his death searched for her not knowing what became of her.

They (the cousin) were the ones searching for family on multiple sites though just obviously not this side lol but as I say it is their choice who they let in their lives. I do honestly wish them the best!

I also think that some people worry in this day and age that contact from someone asking about family or claiming to be related could be a scam.

It has happened ...... information gained, then used to claim money from an unsuspecting, often elderly, family member.

Such scams can be quite common in the US ........... like the "I'm your grandson "Jack", I'm in (country), and I'm in trouble. I need $500 or I will be put in jail".


I think you really have to be very careful how you come over to the others that you wish to contact .... such as being VERY specific about the possible connection.

My worst case of no reply was on my DNA site. I check on there weekly for new relatives. One week a man was found as a DNA cousin, an American who stated he was very interested in finding his roots. He said that his family was European and wanted to link up with cousins from the various countries. He named several countries and he had over 20 names in his list. Two of the names were in my tree although not direct to me so I contacted him - no response and that's within a week of him placing the message. :-S

I guess too that not everyone is really interested in genealogy

I know I get glazed eye looks from some family members when I enthuse about my latest find

Sometimes people think I will take a look and then lose the interest and they really don't want contact with possible relations sometimes umpteen times removed

:-(