General Chat

Rooner Spules OK Schizophrenia divides and rules - OK? Queensbury Rules - KO? Gershwin Rules - OH KAY! Archimedes rules - Eurekay! Mallet rules - croquet? Pooves rule - Ooh Gay?

'Love is in the air' - it's a Valentines theme. Reprinted again - for it is this time of year. Love Valentine (third century) The patron saint of love has been identified with two early Christians: a priest martyred in Rome in c. 269 and buried on the Flaminian way north of the city, and a bishop of Terni, in Umbria, who was also executed in Rome. Although ecclesiastical authorities in the seventeenth century asserted that they were the same person, some modern experts believe the priest-martyr to be the real valentine. The reasons for his association with lovers are also disputed. One possibility is that it derives from the centuries-old belief that birds choose their mates on 14 February, the saint’s feast day: another, that it is a survival from the Roman festival of Lupercalia held in mid-February to secure fertility and keep evil away. What is certain is that troubled lovers have invoked him since medieval times, and that the custom of sending a Valentine’s Day card to a chosen partner, first commercialised in the United States in the 1840’s, has grown into a major industry. Third century; identity disputed FEAST DAY; 14 February Roses are symbols of love. Some graffiti on 'Love' Why does free love cost so much. If it moves fondle it! Sex causes blindness. EYEBALLS!! Even dirty old men need love! Put a little love into your sex life. Make haste! Make love! Haste is passe and for amateurs. Love is a many gendered thing. Girls. What do you do when you find your cat is with another cat? Let the cats be happy together and find a man! Can I have a date? How about 1066?

* The main trouble with mental notes is the ink fades so fast * Ideas are great provided they don't degenerate into work * Mrs JimJr lives great on my income; now I need one of my own * If you're 'not yourself today', enjoy it while ya can * Maybe he/she doesn't 'act stupid'; it might be the real thing * If Clinton's tongue were notarized, I'd still think he's lying * If life isn't worth living, what else can you do with it ? * If a man's 'Captain of his ship', his wife's likely the Admiral * Give some women an inch, and they'll rearrange or redecorate it * There's still 'incurable romantics' -- we need better antibiotics * What this country needs is products that outlast the wrappings * Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation raps for years * Ever notice how ignorance picks-up confidence as it goes along * Some people not only have bad luck... they're carriers * A billion's the current number of foods made with types of bran * Teamwork is as easy as freckles getting together to make a tan * Those who use body language need to improve their vocabularies * These days, an 'underprivileged kid' only has one set of parents

A rendering from Caz! - No, she's not a silly old bat. A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. 'OK, follow me' he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. 'Now, do you see that tree over there?' he asked. 'Yes, Yes, Yes!' the bats all screamed in a frenzy. 'Good' said the bat, 'Because I sure as hell didn't!'

Newlyweds A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, 'How was the honeymoon?' 'Oh, mama,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...' Suddenly she burst out crying. 'But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!' 'Sarah,' her mother said, 'calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?' 'Please don't make me tell you, mama,' wept the daughter, 'I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!' 'Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset....Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!' Still sobbing, the bride said, 'Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!'

Keeping it going! Q. What's the difference between an elephant and a boiled potato? A. It takes longer to mash an elephant. Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a tea bag? A. A tea bag that never forgets. Q. Why do elephants wear suspenders? A. To hold up their elepants. Q. What is gray, has four legs, and a trunk? A. A mouse on vacation.

A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads a dog's life is probably well founded. 'He comes in the house with muddy feet,' she said, 'tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture.'

'When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.' 'The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.' 'There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.' 40. 'We've just marked our tenth wedding aniversary on the calendar and threw darts at it.' 'My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.' 'It was a mixed marriage. I'm human, he was a Klingon.' 'My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.' 'My wife and I had words, but I never got to use mine.' 'Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.' 'It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.' 'The General was essentially a man of peace, except of course in his domestic affairs.' 'Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.' 'The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.' 'I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.'

For the ladies! 'What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'' 'The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.' 'Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code...he turned himself in.' 'Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.' 'I married beneath me. All women do.' 'A genius is a man who can rewrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over.' 'I'm glad I'm not bisexual; I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.' 'You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.' 'There are three stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus; he doesn't believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.' 'An extravagance is anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife.'

The Hunchback of Notre Dame is about to retire, and has been notified by his bosses that he must first find a replacement bell ringer. He places a notice in the 'Help Wanted' section of the local paper, and one day an applicant climbs the stairs to the bell tower, in search of employment. The Hunchback cautions him on the dangers involved in the job - mainly, that of slipping and falling to one's death while bell ringing. The applicant seems unimpressed by this, and explains to the Hunchback that he comes from a long line of bell ringers, and that his family uses a special bell ringing technique. The Hunchback, eager to see this, asks him to audition. The applicant goes up to a large bell perched high in the tower, pulls it towards him, and smashes his forehead into it to make it sound. Dazed from the impact, he stumbles and falls from the tower to his death below. The Hunchback climbs down there to find a crowd gathered and a policeman who says, 'I see someone fell from your bell tower - do you know who he is?' The Hunckback replies, 'No, but his face rings a bell ...' The next day, another applicant arrives for the job. It turns out this fellow is the brother of the one who fell to his death the other day. In like manner, he demonstrates his familial bell-ringing technique, and he, too, stumbles and falls to his death below. The Hunchback again ambles down to check out the scene, where the policeman says, 'Hmmm. ... another one ... did you know him well?' The Hunchback replies, 'No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother ...'

'The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.' 'When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.' 'Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control..' 'Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.' 'I only like two kinds of men, domestic and foreign.' 'A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.' 'If you never want to see a man again say, 'I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children'. They leave skid marks.' 'No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas.' 'Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.' 'Women love men for their defects; if men have enough of them women will forgive them everything, even their gigantic intellects.'

'As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.' 'I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.' 'One of the reasons I don't see eye to eye with Women's Lib is that women have it all on a plate if only they knew it. They don't have to be pretty either.' 'When women kiss it always reminds me of prize fighters shaking hands.' 'Direct thought is not an attribute of feminity. In this, women are now centuries behind man.' 'When a woman becomes a scholar there is usually something wrong with her sexual organs.' 'Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.' 'Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilt and I'll show you a man.' 'Nature intended women to be our slaves. They are our property.' 'I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute.'

A Comical Look at Aging From “The Civil Service Pensioner” I note that this months CSP has a full page (word for word) of my earlier posts on this thread, come on now, declare yourself!!!!! I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctors permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on , the class was over. Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “ And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure”. The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter Eggs. Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked “How old was your husband?. “98” she replied. “Two years older than me.” So you’re 96 the undertaker commented. She responded “Hardly worth going home is it?. More tomorrow.

A Comical Look at Aging (Part 2) I’ve gotten old. I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostrate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation: hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all me friends. But thank God, I still have my driver’s license. An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her vicar she had a final request. She wanted to be buried at the local Tesco Store. “Why there?” the vicar exclaimed. “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week” she replied. My memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. More tomorrow

A Comical Look at Aging (Part 3) I’ve still got it, but nobody wants to see it. I’m getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging. It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker. These days about half the stuff in my shopping trolley says, “For fast relief.” Don’t think of it as getting hot flushes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches. Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up. Remember: You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing. And finally from the “Civil Service Pensioner” Issue 228 Spring 2007. THE SENILITY PRAYER Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

From Caz! - all the way from Heathrow. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Why does 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why does 'fat chance' and 'slim chance' mean the same thing? Why do 'tug' boats push their barges? Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game' when we are already there? Why are they called 'stands' when they are made for sitting? Why is it call 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'? Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected' make the unexpected expected? Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites? Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things? If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

A change today. for Caz to appreciate! A little light observation on life - from 'The Civil Service Pensioner' Spring 2007 Positive Side of Life Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on. Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live. Happiness comes through doors you didn’t even know you left open. Ever notice that people who are late are often jollier than the people who have to wait for them? If Tescos is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet? You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened. We could learn a lot from crayons; Some are sharp, and some are pretty, Some are dull, some have weird names, And all are different colours……..but They all exist very nicely in the same box. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. Have an awesome day, and Know that someone Who thinks you are great Has thought about you today. Working for God on earth does not pay much, but HIS retirement plan is out of this world.

Three blondes are stuck on a deserted island, when one of them finds a lamp on the beach. She picks it up and gives it a little rub and a genie pops out. The genie looks at the three blondes and says, 'I normally give three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant each of you one wish.' Well, the first blonde is sick and tired of being on the island, so she wishes to go back home. POOF!! She disappears. The second one said she, too, is tired of the island, and wishes to go home. POOF!! She too disappears. The genie then turns to the last blonde and asks her what her wish is. 'Gee,' she says,' I'm awfully lonely here by myself. I wish my friends were still here ...'

Another little change - a dig at women! 'If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.' 'Wild horses couldn't drag a secret out of most women. However, women seldom have lunch with wild horses.' 'Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?' 'When a woman says, 'I don't wish to mention any names', it means it isn’t necessary to mention any names.' 'Most women are not as young as they are painted.' 'Women add zest to the unlicenced hours.' 'When women go wrong, men go right after them.' 'She looked as if she'd been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say when.' 'Women are nothing but machines for producing children.' 'An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.' 'Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no-one likes to have to keep one.' 'Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.' 'Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.'

From Caz ... nr. Heathrow A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. 'Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?' The blonde said, 'How about 50 dollars?' The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, 'Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?' The man replied, 'She should. She was standing on the porch.' A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' he asked. 'Yes,' the blonde answered, 'and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. 'Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. 'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari.'