General Chat

after reading all the great replies, i think we will just let her do as she wants.she has the power to say yes or no, its her choice now. she has a walking frame and a commode, she refuses to use them.. we have all had a chat with her regarding care, she will have non of it. she has had a couple of falls over the past few days, shes ok just badly bruised gp called to see her and he suggested having a carer to go in, as he has many times, she went mad...told him to sling his hook and get out.... i have 5 children who care for me not having a stranger in my house. its sad to see her going downhill. she has made her mind up that she will stay where she is, dont think anything will change her mind now. will see what happens, the worry before a visit is the worst bit...all the best wishes for christmas. nite nite.

Several years ago one of our Aunts was not coping by herself, she had cared for Gran till she died in her sleep, in her own bed aged 96. Aunt O coped well alone for several years & was well known around the small town. (The old lady in the pink trainers :-D)

One of my sisters & I took it in turns to visit each weekend, slowly we noticed that she was not coping & the food/milk in her fridge was far from fresh. We suggested that she sell up & move into a nursing home closer to us, but this was met with one of her spinster aunt looks. :-0 (We checked a few out just in case)

She had very good neighbours who kept a quiet check on her & had our phone numbers in case they were concerned. One day we got the call we were worried about.
Auntie had walked into the PO, wearing no coat & her slippers & asked for her pension, she got very upset when they would not hand it over ...she had not got her pension book. Luckily a young chap had recognised her & helped her home, knocking next door to get help.

With no other choice available we rang the Nursing Home we had really liked (No smell & very approachable staff). They had a room available, so her bags were packed & she 'went on holiday' with a few pieces of her own furniture/pictures etc.

Once there, warm & eating properly she got a lot better, was happy & even said "If I had known they were like this I would have come years ago."

Same here, MIL was in sheltered housing wanted her independence, but was losing the plot. Husband used to visit every two days with meals, and bits of shopping.

Call, mother had disappeared 3 pm in November lived near Epping Forest, Police Helicopter out, Police dogs, by then dark, how lucky she had wondered back to main road and a young couple found her.

She was taken to Hospital and as deemed in danger we were able to get her straight into a good home near us, where she lived happily for 3 yrs till the age of 87.

Carol.

Can you remember how you feltwhen you were growing up and getting your various bits of independence? It is a feeling you don't want to lose isn't it.

She might be reacting because she feels a bit patronized and wants to make her own decisions.

People have thought I was being very careless to let my dad take risks since his stroke.He has had one or two bad burns from making his own breakast and I have still let him carry on.

Maybe taking your own risks is more importantto us all than we realize.

My mum and dad should have gone into sheltered housing, dad wore mum out.
But they would not have it, some time after he died mum had no option due to dementia but to go into a home, but it was too late for her to adjust.

My aunt (in her late 80s) on the other hand went in a couple of years ago before things got too bad and she is having a whale of a time!

Any chance of getting someone that has made the move to speak to her?

I do wish you all the best, it's an awful situation to be in

Mayfield

Dont eat the peanuts.........!

lol @ Merlin at 85 if it´s anything like my mother it´s the suck marks that you have to check for.

If you try the Toffees :-D Remember to look for Teethmarks first. :-D Happy Christmas.xx

Ditto Sharron.

Stop doing things and wait to be asked. ASKED mind not demanded off.

Actually that is harder to do than said but there is no point wasting food. If she doesn´t want it then take it away with you. Sooner or later she will accept it. My Mum regulary told her GP and the carers where to get off. Help the Aged refused to visit, but thankfully the GP was more understanding.

Maybe suggesting that she goes into assisted housing would be a better idea than a care home. I would have a chat with her GP and see what he suggests.

My Dad has refused to go into care since my Mam died 4 years ago, even though he's registered blind and only just mobile, in fact can literally do nothing for himself. Carers come in 3 times a day, and the rest is down to Hubby and myself.
But, it's his choice, so we have to go along with it.
There has been so much negative press about care homes, yet you never hear about the good and caring ones, which I'm sure are in the majority. Old people get scared of losing their independance, but sadly in many cases, this has already gone.
On a lighter note, Dad rang us this morning to say he'd lost his false teeth. Long suffering hubby drove over to look for them, but finally had to give up. I resigned myself to pureeing his Christmas dinner, until his lunchtime carer rang to say that she'd found them in a bag of toffees!

Happy Days :-D

Perhaps yourr MIL, would like to shack up with my FIL Jean, as they seem to have the same attitude, he says he can cope, but can't, we live 40 miles away, he's unwell, he doesn't realise what a worry he is to us, but what can you do?

Note to my children...If I get to such a grand age and they offer help, I will take it, with pleasure :-D

On a serious note, anyone reading this who's family offer help because they love you, and WANT to help out, please, please accept the help offered, you may say you don't need help, and don't want to be a burden, you don't know what worry you cause by refusing help, after all you looked after us, it's our turn to look after you, because we love you, and we WANT to

My mother was exactly the same. Everything we organised to make life easier for her, she cancelled. The only person she would accept was a carer who came in a couple of times per week & was employed privately.She even cancelled visits from the GP when she got ill.
Since she died, my 2 daughters refuse to speak to me or my brother because they feel we didn´t try hard enough with her.
From experience I know that there is absolutely nothing you can do. Your mother is regarded as being a competent adult & as such, it´s her wishes that will be taken into account by the authorities.
All you can do is keep trying & not beat yourself up if she won´t accept what you do.

No point making it a battle of wills.If she doesn't want it don't make her have it. Then, when she is miserable and uncomfortable,she might realize that she does need what you are all doing.

She is a grown up and can be held responsible for her own mistakes so let the awkward old biddy make a few.

Of couse you must all go and see her but just don't take the cooked dinner and stop doing the shopping until she asks.

At the moment she is enjoying the power of rejecting what she doesn't want.She needs time and space to consider what she does want.

My old dad is not above rejecting things as a way of wielding his bit of power.Gets him a long way these days!

m.i.l. 85yrs old, living alone. refused all help that has been offered. she told the gp to sod off...im not going into a home.... she cant cope even with the help she gets from family members..we all take her a cooked meal, do the shopping. she bins the lot. we are at a loss as to what we can do...what would you do. cant blame her for not wanting to go into a home, as i would not like to go in one. over to you folks....