General Chat

Telegram to SS Utopia. STOP Please can you tell me if Jill Price and the others who are supposed to be at the Scottish meet on 28th August, will be back on time. STOP As I don't want to be the only one turning up and be left sitting having lunch on my own. STOP If their not going to be back, can I join in Lisbon. STOP Quick reply requested, as time is running out. STOP Eileen (feeling left out) STOP

Liz Please do that, plenty of body seaches nudge nudge wink wink, i may need a hand to sort out Gwynne and that little Elf, who i susspect aint an Elf at all but a young male model i saw hanging about the docks, that has been smuggled aboard, when we catch him you will have to take charge of him and clap him in irons. It's ok Gwynne i brought my cricket box so will be well protected ha ha, be afraid. David (security)

FROM LEADING POOPER SCOOPER NEILD Will all crew members please ensure that all animals are 'exercised' on the Poop Deck! We must have some decorum on this vessel.

Jean, Im a bored housewife what can I say lol

The King feels this voyage may have gone to far. What would the psycharists back on land think if they saw this.

Good Evening to All PASSENGERS This is the Chief Engineer:- A very smooth departure from the engineroom point of view, we've now worked up to our cruising speed of 28 knots and will remain at this speed providing none of you silly buggers up top dont fall overboard. One more thing will the person who keeps hanging their knickers on the engineroom guardrails please stop doing so, its upsetting the lads see!! PS hope that lot on the bridge know where we're going????? Chiefy!

Hi Eileen, I'm sure The Admiral or doctor won't mind me accepting you on board, just report to the doctors cabin for your little pricks, you can work at the brothel, kitchens anywhere I suspose.

Can someone go and change that barrel for me please and is anyone free to collect some glasses?. I need to work the bar. Has anyone seen that trolly dolly about? She's not turned up for work again. Viv the alcoholic barmaid (hic!)

hi crew just to let you know i am a little busy, told matron we were sailing tonight but she wouldn't let me have the time off work! so am stuck here till 10pm, some inconsiderate patient is whinging about chest pain and the junior Dr is no where to be found (i suspect he is in the mess watching the olympics!) i still have to get the last of the supplies for the hair salon and my trolley dolly pinny is still in the wash!!!!!! So just stick some hats on for now and i will join you as soon as i can and viv if you could start the shampooing that would be great! Bev PA to trolley dolly and hairdresser to the crew

Night Night Jean, God Bless

Anyone mind if I put the CD player on, feel like some music. Maggie

David If there is body searching - I may be gone some time!!! As for the Elf(!!) less said the better. Liz

Bev, trying to serve drinks and shampoo hair but some rotton b*gg*r has dumped a load of 7 year olds on me and they don't want to learn how to make cocktails. I'll make sure they fail their KS1 SATs next year!!!

Gd'evening Chief Engineer Carter: Glad to see you are taking charge of things below deck. As you will recollect, I gave out a weather warning earlier, do you think that we are on the right course to avoid this and sail smoothly on towards Lisbon. We have passengers to collect there. Eileen from W.Scotland you are welcome to join us: just check with the Chief Engineer for our navigational position. Do we have a Purser appointed yet? We really must have a Purser: I suggest Mommylonglegs take that job on: Perhaps we could then get some staff arranged, as there doesn't seem to be too much in the way of a sensible task force forthcoming from those who have signed on so far. Daniel seems far too concerned about when we are going to founder: has he got some reason? I think we should try to make landfall at Lisbon by morning: after re-stocking our stores, taking on any more passengers who missed the first sailing, we should be ready to continue from Lisbon at Midd day on Wednesday. That will gave all the sluts, lazy bu....rs and pros. time to wake-up and make them themselves decent and presentable. Do you agree with this Security Guard David? It will be down to you to ensure that there are no sharp instruments or tools left lying around: it's just possible the Portuguese Ambassador may want to visit our ship whilst she''s in port. Any undesirables, in your opinion, can be put ashore in Lisbon. Hope you all enjoy the Supper Menu: Nightcap drinks are 'on the house'. Speak to you later.

Don't anybody be worrying about the elf, He's handcuffed in the brothel, just watch out for Qwynne she's behaving like a deranged woman, she keeps trying to come into the brothel, without her security checks, shes not allowed.

(Fanfare) If the Portugeese ambassador does pay a visit, send the PM to meet with him. Only request the King's presense if someone more important comes aboard. (Fanfare)

Mommylonglegs: The addition of C.E. Len Carter was a very clever thing to do! A Purser is a bit like a Personnel Officer/Manager: Makes sure the staff and crew are doing their jobs properly, and ensures none of the passengers want for anything by chivvying the staff to get things done properly. I'm sure you are just the right person! It's something you could do, if you had an assistant, whilst you ae giving people their jabs: because you have got an assistant medical officer haven't you?

Lynda i'm not passing by the brothel i'm popping in then popping out if you see my meaning, Liz take as much time as you need you must be thorough, then rescue that so called Elf poor chaps locked in the brothel. Dorothy i am conforscating all sharp tools, all undesirables will be tossed overboard a mile offshore. David (security)

Telegram to Eileen STOP Join at Lisbon STOP if noone is going to scottish meet up then we will go ourselves STOP there are 11 so far and I think we're the only 2 onboard ship STOP if need be we'll make a swim for shore using all the empty bottles and hope that viagra gives us a wee boost STOP can rejoin ship at next stopover STOP GO STOP GO STOP GO (damn these viagra are good!!) Jill x STOP

Hi Bev, Glad you have reported for duty. Good job I havent been busy today. I think everybody has been getting their drinks from Viv. Oh well hopefully somebody wants cabin service. Shout now if you want the Trolley to your cabin. Drinks, nibbles, sex toys(if you cant make it to the brothel, horrible place, not at all hygenic), books and whatever you want. Getting my wiggle ready to push that trolley. How does my hair lookxx