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Thread for adopted children and siblings

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

gloria

gloria Report 14 Jun 2012 20:37

I am not sure I am doing the right thing here but my mother past on 12 years ago. God bless her! I found out after the death of my dear father 8 years ago from my Aunt who lives NZ that my Mother had a daughter in 1950 and gave her up for adoption.
I was so shocked at this news , neither my Mum or Dad ever told my sister and me of this. I have struggled to get my head around why my Mother gave up her daughter. I do realise times were different then but my goodness.
what a difficult thing to do.
I believe this lady (my half sister ) did try to contact my mum. To no avail sadly.
Eleanor is or was her name if she is out there and the name Speirits means anything to you please get in touch XX :-)

adrian

adrian Report 3 Apr 2012 00:37

As an adoptee, I feel I have some insight. I recently found my family in 2009, and I was adopted in 1960. My birth-mother and sister were very excited about reuniting.

The main issue in get reunited, was that I was born in England and adopted by Americans. I had very little information to go on, except for my birthname. It was with the help of a very kind man, who lived in England, that I was able get many missing pieces. I came to meet him on another site Missing-You.net. He wanted no monies, no credit, but just wanted to help. Now, I can use this site to do the research on my family history and it is so exciting! From having nothing, and feeling that I would die knowing nothing, I've traced family on both sides to the turn of the 19th century.

Only an adoptee knows the the empty feeling of not knowing who or why. So any help they can get, is help. It takes an open mind to search for a birth family, because it is highly likely it's not who or how you imagined. Because someone took the time to help me unselfishly, I will do what I can for other adoptees.

I don't feel there's a right way, or wrong way concerning who helps you...as long as they're helping you.

Sheila

Sheila Report 28 Feb 2012 00:11

Kay in an ideal world that would be wonderful :O) but they could achieve that by just putting that person in their tree, though we all know how hard it can be for someone to get a reply from somone who has a match on your tree ;O)
But these are normally people who want help, otherwise there would be no reason for other members to try and supply them with info.

Kay????

Kay???? Report 27 Feb 2012 23:07


Often the person maybe posting in the very slim hope their message is seen by who ever their post has named or related family members,and not because they need any help from anyone..the site is so vast and widely known all over the globe that they could get a lucky break.

Sheila

Sheila Report 27 Feb 2012 20:13

I am not just aiming this board at adoptees, when this board was the TTF board, the rules where obviously flouted then ,as in order to put a message on there you had to have that person in your tree, given that the poster wasl ooking for someone one then they obviously did not have this. and yet it was allowed and may searches ended up on the Success Board.
Maybe it is the format of this thread that is a pronlem now, as it is a message board now, before people had to send privte messages to the poster.
The problem being if somone now ask to find Joe Bloggs, then they are immediately then asked ., what relation are you to this person., ? what is your connection etc.
When newbies then return with wads of information to add they are berated for putting personal info on this site :-S

Flick

Flick Report 27 Feb 2012 10:14

There is surely a huge difference between looking for living relatives who have just disappeared off a person's radar, and looking for those who have been adopted.

As for guidelines - how many people who post on here ever bother to read even the ones that already exist?

Sheila

Sheila Report 27 Feb 2012 08:36

Jax

it is not only in seach trees that people find their family, many put posts on this site and get help, I welcome this dicussion as giving different views.
As you say you have an unsual name and it would be very easy to find you if not on here say FR or facebook or twitter etc.
The problem with search trees and adoptees etc is that you may be giving out personal info to a distant relative who may then inform the rest of the family via idle gossip.
The best way to avoid this is to put the person who is looking in touch , with ther person they are looking for, the reality is anyone over the age of 37 does not have any counselling whatsoever, armed with their BC they can track family down.
This site has actively encouraged this, remember their programme Long lost families many of these programmes where about adoption related themes. or looking for long absent Fathers.
I do fully understand everyones fear about how this will affect the people they make contact with, that said this contact will be made anyway, and although many people believe that the agencies do it it the correct manner this is not always so.
My first interview with a SW was to tell me I have never done this before, so it will be a learning curve for both of us. I do not want the biggest deciscion of my life to be controled by someone just be winging it. Also when they write to the Birth Mothers I know of letter that are sent on Letterheaded pages stating the name of the agency, hardly subtle.
In a ideal world there would be more help for these agencies, they are probably unstaffed and sometimes have only done the odd day course in mediation.
But if this site is encouraging people to come on here search there should be sensible guidlines and help on here.
And to be honest if we will not do look ups and help on living people there is no point on this thread :-(

SylviaInCanada

SylviaInCanada Report 27 Feb 2012 03:53

The unsafe site is the major reason why I do not, and will not, help people looking for living relatives, or birth family.


Not that I do not appreciate the need for people to find their families, because I do


................ but because I do not believe that THIS site, or any other non-secure site, is the place to do it.


and also because I believe that both adoptee and birth family need counselling and support before and during the search, and after the search is concluded.


We cannot offer this support, nor should we. Nor should we be expected to offer it.




sylvia

jax

jax Report 27 Feb 2012 03:14

I think you will find the last three posts on success stories did not get their infomation from the boards.

Some people get their info from tree contacts, whether it is direct family or maybe a relation who knows them.

I have not had a child adopted, but I think how easy it would be for a child of mine to find me, as I am the only person with my name so my marriage is easy to find....My sister also has a one off name and is still single... find her on Facebook you find me...whether I wanted to be found or not.

So if these details were sent by pm who knows whether contact is welcome until there is a knock on the door.

Very tricky subject really

jax

Sheila

Sheila Report 26 Feb 2012 22:42

Hi Sylvia,

I do understand where you coming from, hence the fact that any information given should be by pm in these cases. After talking a little more with the poster.
It is not that long ago there was a taboo about adoption, and a lot of secrecy, whilst I agree with you that there maybe fear of contact, this would the same even if help was offered through the normal channels.
The flip side of that fear is that there is a lot of Birth Mothers out there who have lived in anguish about having their child adopted.many of them not given any other option.
It is not a good idea for anyone living to have their names put on these threads but it does happen every day, hence the title of the thread.
There is a bit of a double standard on here though, whilst everyone says it is not right to do this look at the success board and look at the first few stories. Most of them are either from adopted people or people who have traced estranged family members.
On the finding living relative board there are several requests for help. one from the site itself. If this is to be continued , surely the best way is to try and control how the posts and answers are dealt with :-)

Reggie

Reggie Report 26 Feb 2012 21:57

In the pre-digital era, C4 TV in the UK had teletext pages aimed at finding lost relatives, but would not, under any cirumstances, allow requests about adoption.

I always thought that very sensible.

SylviaInCanada

SylviaInCanada Report 26 Feb 2012 21:51

The problem I see is that, even if it is stickied, this will end up as a thread that people have to search through to see if a name of interest is listed.

And it will not only be searching through a list of names, but members will also try to help, so there will be advice posts as well, all mixed up.

Once it gets to more than 20 or so names .......... which could mean as many as 100 posts (or 5 pages at 20 posts per page) ..................... then people will no longer bother.


Plus, the undoubted fact that posters do NOT read advice on how or what to post, and so they will be posting names and birth information for parents / siblings, etc ...................... all information that is not advised to post.


In fact, GR does remove posts that contain information on possible living people ........ and it is not only when those posts are RR'd.


I also have a gut feeling that it is not a good idea to search for birth relatives on such an open site


.............. I try to put myself into the position of a 70 year old woman who had a child adopted at birth 50+ years ago ................ with all the guarantees then given of secrecy. If I then made a new life, and have not told either husband or other children ........ would I really want my name splattered all over the internet??


I know that I myself would not want it .......... much as I might ache to know how that child had done, I might well be scared of what will happen to my new life.

Similar applies to a man who may or may not have known that he sired a child 50+ years ago.


BTW .............. I am of that age group, but was never in the situation!


As we all know, google picks up information from GR within minutes of it being posted .............. and if it is once out there, it cannot be removed.





All in all, I have to say that I do not think it a good idea.



In case you have forgotten, GR did start THIS Board as a board where people could not reply on the thread but had to pm the poster .......... it did not work out at all well, and was changed, under pressure, to an ordinary threaded board.

A very large number of posts by people requesting help were RR'd because of the information they give.



sylvia

Kay????

Kay???? Report 26 Feb 2012 21:15

Correct Sheila...also as its a site for posting messages I dont have the right to tell or demand anyone remove information they wish to post......its for the person to decide what they wish to be known,,,,w cant act onbehalf of someone else as we dont know their views,

:)

Sheila

Sheila Report 26 Feb 2012 20:35

Hi Kay,

I'm good how things with you ? I know what you mean ;O/ Bracken came up with the idea of a special thread, but not sure if GR will go for it, people could maybe put their birth name and year of birth on there. It would have to have a sticky as not to be lost as the pages move on. That way it would just be intended for BP or adoptees looking.
Then if anyone can help then they can do so by private e.mail, problem as you say is , if someone does not give names of BP then someone will ask for them . Then the person who started the thread is told of for putting personal info on the thread.
I am not suggesting someone says , here found your BP's hears the address go and knock on their doors heres the address.
Common sense is required. :O)

Kay????

Kay???? Report 26 Feb 2012 19:49

Hi Sheila,~~~hows you......

I feel that the board really should be intended to find links to the family you are researching,,not to present day happening privatley of someone life..

Plus unless many facts are given it may not be apparent that the post has anything relationship to you.....the poster rughtly belives and reads,,,,,,,,,,***,put all that you know*** they are jumped on as-------**-Too much information**---so from the onset it---not enough info,doesnt relate to anyone,,too much and they are wrong...

;-)

jax

jax Report 26 Feb 2012 18:45

I recently helped a 63 year old man who was adopted to get in contact witha half sister.
His parents had got married just before he was born, but he thinks the father may not be his biological one, hense the adoption. His birth mother had died but it turns out the husband was still living and aged 87, I am now wondering what the family are now feeling after all these years of secrets?
The half sister was not interested even though she was their only child.......shame but it is not always a happy ending

Sheila

Sheila Report 26 Feb 2012 18:26

I agree Kay a successful outcome depends on the co-operation of both sides of the family.
The registers are only successful in about 1-2% cases , therefore , people tend to find other ways to assist their search.
Why do you feel that this board should not be used in this search though ? the thread is called Finding living relatives.

Kay????

Kay???? Report 26 Feb 2012 17:46

As someone who works links closely to this subject........too many factors need taking into concideration,

and the sucess of any out come lays in the hands of,

1..The adoptee
2.The birth parent.

neither can be railroaded where they dont wish to go.

nothing at all to do with the work of SS or agency...

an adoptee nor a birth party doesnt want an indifinate wait on a contacts register,which has a poor rate of connections.and a contacts register isnt worth anything if someone isnt in full knowledge surrounding their situation.

GR should not have allowed this board to be used by adoptees or a birth party.

Sheila

Sheila Report 26 Feb 2012 13:32

Flick me too , I have been in touch with hundreds of adoptees over the last few years, and the damage is not always done by well meaning searches , agencies can be equally to blame, whilst you have to always be aware of the damages that these searches can do, contact will have to be made at some point, and no matter who makes this contact, this will change people lives for ever.
Whilst I would never advocate just giving someone the birth families details and phone number and letting them jump in feet first, telling them to just sign on an adoption register is no help either, the chance of making a connection are minimum.
The better thing to do is to be active to put the person in their tree to contact SS or the adoption agency that arranged the adoption and to post messages on the other sites that are available.

Flick

Flick Report 26 Feb 2012 12:11

With equal respect, Sheila, I feel we shall have to agree to differ.
I have personal experience of the damage caused through meddling in such matters by interfering busybodies.