General Chat

Thank you Sharon.....my own Mum fits some of the things but not all...even though she says and does some spiteful things I know she would still fight for her babies .....she is 77 today...we are all in our 40's..and she would give us anything.....never let us forget it but still.....and at the end of the day she didnt have it easy as she brought us alone after my dad died 34 years ago......I will always love and respect her as she is my mum not always like or understand her...night ladies and if I ask to much please tell me to shut it I won't be offended..xxx

you have opened my eyes to a lot of things here, i just thought my mo ther was a selfish, jealous , evil woman, now i have a name for it.


thankyou !

I think I shall call mine Nacissus from now on !

This is so sad.

I don't think people are disbelieving. I think perhaps they are searching for the right words to say.

In my own home it was my father who did the emotional bullying. Nothing like as extreme as some of you have described but sometimes nasty and frightening nonetheless. It took me a long time and a kind patient husband to put it behind me. My father is still alive and we have a good relationship now but I don't have to live with him anymore!

I wish all of you well who have suffered and hope that your futures will be happy even if your pasts have not been.

Sue
x

Not disbelieving at all Sue, after hours of listening to my friend who poured her heart out to me, because at last she had someone who believed and would listen to what she had to say...

.....it is an interest of mine......what makes people tick......and this type of personality I find very creepy because they come across to those outside as lovely kind and caring mothers.......what chance has a child in that situation to be believed....

.....and the rotten thing in my friend's case, is that she loves her children and grandchildren so much, and this mother of hers still spreads poisonous lies.......luckily my friend is so lovely, nobody believes the lies, and the mother has been dropped by so many of her friends and family......

I watched my friend over the years get stronger, but she also still wrote lengthy letters trying to get a relationship, feeling guilty that she did not love this woman......

I won't go on, this is someone else's life and perhaps I should not talk about it.......I think if you have not come across it before, it is hard to understand because mothers, especially are supposed to love their children......and these women certainly only have one love......and that is the one they look at in the mirror.....

I have a tremendous respect for all those that survive a bad or traumatic childhood, I would call it a stolen childhood myself......I know I tried to give our children the best life possible, made some mistakes along the way, but I cannot understand those who have had poor parenting, then going on to be bad parents themselves........the rot has to stop......and thank God it has stopped with you.....love to you.....sally xx

From Michael
I am very glad to have read this!......
I watched my Mother in Law---Virtualy try to destroy
Her daughter[My wife]----Over the years!---And her brothers and sisters She !my MILAW--Put all the family againt each other.Inasmuch that even today they hardly speak to one another.
I was called 'The Bas****d"--every day for almost 15 years---My children were called "The Little Ba*****ds'
So in the end I stopped my Children going to see her!
But not my wife....She went daily because of her age
BUT---Every time my wife came back she was both
Physicaly and mentaly drained.....About 4 years ago
I thought my wife was going to have a nervous breakdown---[ Because of the social blackmail]--that her mother was giving her---I banned my wife from going for about 6 months---I never saw such a change in a woman --as what i saw----[ I changed the phone no-so her mother could not phone]]--Got in touch with the social services--and let them deal with her mother----Told the rest of the Family it was their Turn----They did not want to know----My wifes Mother died last year!---Now the family are on some speaking terms---But the Mental scars still remain in my wife---However she is Comming round to being able to get on with her life--and her Grandchildren--
Mike

Just read all of this thread, find it hard to comprehend but big (((((((HUGS))))))) for all of you.
You are all so special.
Love Hilary. xxx

Thank you to everybody who contributed to my thread last night.I have wanted to get people to realize that this is real and it still happens for a long time.Sadly,part of the abuse is to make the victim think they are imagining it and,like Lynn,you feel you are the only one.Unfortunately mother and angel are interchangeable words to many and,no doubt this should be so in most cases.I once saw a letter to Marjorie Proops describing what must have been a situation such as this.The reply began with something along the lines of "And what a selfish,ungrateful young lady you are....."

I havent read the article yet, but I believe all you say, although I have never experienced it myself. Somebody I know said she didnt want children as she had been abused by her mother and was afraid she might do the same. I am now wondering if it was this sort of abuse she meant. I will read the article sometime, but it is almost bedtime here.
Huia.

I was wondering if anyone had experience of this:

I went to see mum after a 10 year gap, she had remarried during that time. The day I was due to leave for home, her SIL told me his family were in dread of meeting me! Why? because my mum talked about me in such a way that I was a carbon copy of herself.

Mum gave me the impression that she alone had paid for that particular trip, I found out years later that my stepfather had had a good win on the horses, and he alone had bought the tickets and had paid for his daughter who also lived away. I only found out after he died, and I never got to say thankyou, still fee a bit sad over that. He was a lovely gentle giant of a man.

I think the lady who said to write it all down,it would be a good idea for me, will give a go.

These mums are awful and sad people for the hurt they have inflicted and are causing today.

It would be interesting to see a proper open discussion on television about these nassistic parents.

Mike over time the scars do fade a little, the love she is giving her family and reconnecting to her siblings are all part of the healing process.

OMG my blood ran cold when I read that.
My mother has now been dead for many years, but the picture painted was almost exactly like her!!!

How could I have not made ohers aware of what shw was REALLY like, if I dared to complain or "run her down" I was the one in wrong

My brother (now also dead) was praised by her to me, yet he was anu uncaring selfish b... never bothered to go an visit her, I was the one saddled with her in her old age, she tried right from the start to come beween me & my late husband (he had thought the sun shone out of her bum)he learned the hard way, that I had been right all along!

For years I felt guilty because in the end I had her put into an old peoples home, but I had to, she would have ruined our lives, but that did not stop my feelings of guilt.

On her last night on this earth I had stayed holding her hand until midnight, I was so exhausted by the time I reached home, I could not get out of bed the next morning.
I was therefore unable to visit the nursing home the next day because I was so ill and they had phoned to say she had died.
My husband then called my brother to go in my place.
He was so cruel then, he had her body taken to where he lived (in Berkshire, I was then in London)
he never told me when her funeral was going to be, so I was not there to say goodbye.
He sadly had believed the lies she had told him about me and that was his revenge!

My brother and I only met once after that I never saw him again, I did eventually talk to him by t/phone.
Then one day I received a letter from his second wife, teling me he had died and was buried!
I do`nt know whether in the end he believed me or not about her true nature and lies. She did however ruin our relationship with each other, I never knew why, to this day, I still feel sad about that.

Was she jealous I wonder because we had been attached to each other,but she set out deliberatelyto part us! I will never never understand why she wanted to do that to her own children. My eldest brother had sadly been killed in action during the second war,he had only been 19 years old.and I often thought her nature had been changed by that tradegy
and made excuses for her.

She hurt me terribly one day by saying to my husband in my presence that I was "an accident"
it was the way she said it that was hurtful, made me feel so unwanted and that she had always resented my being here, after all her first child my sister had died when she was aged 6 years, so I thought she had resented the fact that I had lived and she did`nt.
I must say I feel a bit better now having read the article, and I no longer feel guilty, so thank you for that.

Hi,

Just popped on to have a look around and saw this thread. I have read the article and I am gobsmacked. That is so like my Mum.. My brother was the golden child and I was the scapegoat. It all started when she fell pregnant with me. I was a mistake and caused her to go into a violent marriage. My step-Dad a great man, always said she was a B*****dy martyr, and bruv was her little soldier boy who could do no wrong. It has now gone down to the next generation as my brother's child gets new birthday, xmas gifts whereas my child gets her hand-me downs whilst she replaces her cast offs with new.

When I was pregnant with my child my best friend was also pregnant. Mum knitted her twins some woolies. I got nothing. When questioned she said she could not remember how to knit or was too busy. During that time she also embarked on an affair with my baby's father, later telling me he would never stay with me because he was in love with her. He was not the first of my boyfriends to be made a pass at by my Mother.

When I was a teenager she called me a slut for wearing nail polish on my toes, Dad had to step in many a time to defend me.

I could go on and on! Thank you for this post because although it is deeply distressing to see that my Mother has this disorder it is also reassuring to know that there is some reason for it and it was not just all my fault. I have always wanted to please her and never could, now I know that this would have been impossible. What I want to know now is what causes this?

Thankfully I have been able to break the cycle with my child and grandchildren. They are so important to me and I would give them everything, wanting nothing in return. I have totally unconditional love for them, and they are my purpose for living. So there is hope.

Take care all who have suffered at the hands of these parents. Lots of love and hugs.

Lainey x

Lainey,I found the article by googling"abusive mothers".Try that or"narcissistic mothers or parents".There is one article called"Now We Are Six" that likens the narcissistic mind to that of a six year old and there are some fairly academic pieces that give an insight into the cause.My discipline is not psychology so I have not read very deeply.I had enough living it!

Hello, Sharron. I have spent the day (here in Australia) with my daughter and grandchildren. I have had more hugs than I can count and I thank god for my relationship with my children and grandchildren. I feel so much for you people who have these horrible people in yours lives. But a tiny part of me feels this pity for the mothers who have caused all this damage. Can they help themselves? Do they realise what they are doing? Look at all the things they are missing out on. All you lovely girls and you Mike, a supporter, so strong and resilient, who have become wonderful people despite the dreadful things you have endured. I am truly amazed by you all and Sharron you should be proud of yourself for opening up and helping all these people.
Sue xxx

I was just having a read on this Subject and all I could think of ,was My Childhood my Mother ,My Life.Boy I thought I was alone.I glad you Posted this,it helps realize that my Mother was Sick.We have a lot of un answered thing about my Mother,on why she did what she did.I after 54 years have found my Family on genes.Missed out on so much because of her being they way she was.Thank You once again.Liz Hutchison[James Wife]Australia

and we think we are alone !!!


this just shows we are not,

xxLynnxx

Sue,I think your pity for the mothers who cause this damage is as nothing compared to their own.Their martyrdom is a marvel to behold.

Sharron haven't read all of the post's on here but the links and a few post's on page one. Some of it hit's home with me. I'm going to take notes to help me talk at my next meeting with my phychologist.
Thanks for bringing this into the open xx

Print the article off Carole.Take it with you.It will be at the surgery next time I go.I would imagine there are a lot of people having therapy for things,like I did,who are not able to explain the whole situation,something like nailing a jelly to a ceiling,but this puts it all there.

I saved one of the articles to my fav's and was just getting ready to make notes (as it isn't all relevant) but thought I'd come back here to ask what anyone thinks.......

"an inability to grasp one's core self as there is nothing there" means?

Maybe I'm a bit thick! LOL