General Chat

SMART A**E ANSWERS 2008

6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket - not your stub.'
4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars were backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car came up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab
And said to the driver,
'Got stuck, eh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'
SMART A**E ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family,
but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand.'

Wenders wher do you get them from .....wmsl

dont knowJen my friend always sends them to me, but they do make me laugh

LOL Wenders, just love jokes.


Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

pmsl at that one Foggy

The 'Perfect Password'

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,
and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer
advised him that he would now need to enter a password.

Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured
he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's
attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering
by stating each letter out loud as he typed:

P...E...N...I...S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:



**** PASSWORD REJECTED
NOT LONG ENOUGH***

Oh ruddy 'ell - I really liked them))))) pmsl

PMSL...a good one

Postman Pat's Last Day:

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years
of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the
same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route,
he was greeted by the whole family there, who all
hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way
with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an
18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of
15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a
dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm
and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew
his mind with the most passionate love he had ever
experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde
fixed him a full English breakfast: bacon, eggs,
sausage & tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice.
As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee,
he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said,
'but what's the five quid for?'

'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my
husband that today would be your last day and that we
should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what
I should give you'.He said, 'F*** him. Give him a fiver.'

She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

pmsl!!! excellent!

PMSL Wenders...you'll have the old maids complaining soon....lol

these are the cleaner ones i have pmsl

More please.......if you dont mind!!! ))))

might have to wait for the 9 o'clock watershed Jac for some of them lol

The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation... No one wants him to leave.
Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims:

"If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,

"If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,

"If the Vicar stays, I will give him Sex."

There is total silence.



The Preacher, blushing, asks her:

"Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"



Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:



"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F*** the Vicar'.

wmsl Foggy brill

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead
of going home, he spent the weekend partying
with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night,
his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a few of hours of swearing and screaming,
his wife paused and
pointed at him and made him an offer.
'How would you like it if you
didn't see me for a couple of days?'..

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so
he looked up, smiled and said,
“That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and the man didn't
see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by
and he still didn't see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and
he could see her a
little out of the corner of his left eye.

pmsl naughty

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the
wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some
time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began
moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and
neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her
lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the
side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then
in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up
her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued
in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and
became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving
voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
He said, 'I found the remote'.

lmao Foggy
be back later