General Chat

Hi everyone, Once again I am on here to ask for some advise as you guys and gals seem to have so much knowledge dont need to go anywhere else , I am a 62 year old with COPD which I cope with quite well, I have a 68 year hubby who has a stent fitted following 2 (more) heart attacks 4 years ago he often has TIA's ( mini strokes) and 8 weeks ago spent a couple of days in hospital following one when he couldnt walk but much better now, all this has resulted in memory problems for him, I have a sister age 49 who has terminal cancer and who I am doing all I can to support as much as possible and she is quite poorly at the moment , my parents are divorced father age 88 in a wheelchair following strokes has carers in twice a day plus me , mother age 84 broke her arm 6 weeks ago and when I was in Cyprus at my sons wedding she fell and broke her hip, she had her op and was then 2 weeks ago moved to a rehab hospital , she also has mental health issues. We had a meeting with her pysio's and the ward nurse last Monday who told us that she would be discharged soon as she can walk with a zimmer frame ( she lives in a 6th floor council flat) I will be honest and say I was horrified as she has become so dependant and it had been talked about her going to a residential nursing home for a period of time, I mentioned this to them and they said it was doubtful that this could happen and I would have to speak to a social worker managed to get hold of her on Wednesday and if I said waste of space and time that would be mild, she told me that she was our responsibility as soon as they think she can be discharged and that would be soon. Yesterday my son went to the hospital and she phoned me while he was there and told me that she will be accessed on Monday for discharge next week as they said she was " bed blocking" I phoned the ward and spoke to the sister who told me she was not being discharged next week but it would be soon, I dont think they have taken any notice of her mental health problems she has been diagnosed as phsycotic with a bit of dementia added in ( 4 years ago) . She keeps saying she is going to move in with my sister who has only a short time left and Macmillian nurses are being arranged for her care and even though we keep telling her it not possible she says Debs should get a better attitude and fight this cancer, when she had cancer some years ago a care package was put into place for her but within weeks she had stopped it all and wouldnt let anyone in her flat as she said they were lazy and were talking about her to people , so that ended and it was left to me and Deb as she was well at that time. I have come to a stage where I cant look after any more people , I know it sounds awful but she was a horrible mother and my friends ask me why I even speak to her without doing all I do but I'm that sort of person, last week I fainted twice and my doctor said that is because of all the presure I'm under . I also have a family of 5 children and grandchildren and great grandchildren, only one living at home at the moment and he is leaving soon. My children all work and only visit her under presure from me as they dont like her as she was like as a mother so she was as a granny, she would walk past them in the street and ignore them, me youngest never knew she exsisited until her was 6 and she had been stood next to him in a shop, she would just decide that she didnt want to speak to a person and that was it , she did that to me and never spoke to me for over 7 years, but she would also ignore anyone who was connected to me like my children and friends.

Can anyone point me to some place or person i can go and see or speak to , I cant sleep cos my brain wont switch off so I am very tired . I feel better for putting it all down and sharing it so thanks for letting me do that .

Pam

Oh forgot to mention I also work part time, I know its from home and its my small business but its still work

(((((((hugs))))))

Your post has had me in tears Pam, you need help. I think you need to speak to a Social worker ASAP to see what support they can give you. Did your doctor suggest anything? There may be other people along soon that can advise you too. Just hang in there,

Take care xxxx

Found this on google:

http://www.carersuk.org/Home

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/CaringForSomeone/index.htm

Oh Pam, all I can do is to send you a hug and my thoughts.

Speak to your mother's doctor/s asap and make sure they know you WILL NOT be able, or WILLING, to provide any care for your mother...that may sound harsh but it is the only way they will accept that they have to sort some care provision out for her, my friend in a similar position ran herself into the ground and collapsed before accepting she couldn't cope with her mother's care as well as her own ill health.

Her own doctor must make sure that the hospital staff and social workers know her mental state as well as her physical, ask for , no sorry INSIST, a psychiatric assessment is carried out before she can be released.

Always go to the head honcho.

I do hope you can get through to them, hard as it is don't waiver, don't let them walk over you...if necessary take along an 'outsider' who will help you put it across to them..my friend took her adult daughter to meetings with Drs when a 'straight talker' was needed!

I could hardly read your post through the tears...bless you...Don't really know what to say to help you....
I hope you can get the help you need, you need to make a fuss to make people listen......

Sending you lots of love and hugs......

Jules xx

So sorry, Pam.

You can insist that she has an assessment before she is discharged and say you will not accept responsibility for her unless this has been done. You can also demand a care package.

However, the problem is your mother. If she says she wants to go home they have to let her. But you can make it clear to her and to them that you will not participate in her care. It sounds cruel but I think it is something you have to do for the sake of yourself.

Gwynne

Hello Pam.

I am so sorry to hear of your Crisis, My heart goes out to you. but I am so annoyed with social Services with how they are putting pressure on you.

You must go and see your Gp and put your case to him, it is very surprising what a Dr can do / they are higher than social services.

Tell them all you are a Human Being not a Robot!

Take care
Linda.

Pam I can empathise with you completely. I suffered poor health all my life,brought my 2 daughters up alone & worked full time. My mother was a very difficult woman to say the least, to the extent that my brother is now having counselling.
When I retired I came to live in Spain where I have a home & a new husband.
My mother went into hospital & we came over from Spain to see her, but there was little point in staying as she was going from hospital to respite. My younger daughter who had hardly seen her grandmother for 10 years decided to play Florence Nightingale & travelled 100 miles every weekend to visit her in hospital. Since my mother died, my daughter hasn´t spoken to me & I have a 3 year old granddaughter I´ve never been allowed to see.
You can only do so much & you have health problems yourself, not to mention your husband & sister.
There comes a time when you have to say enough is enough & try not to feel guilt about it.
Your mother´s mental health problems mean that she is not capable of reasoning rationally, so try to bear with her, while going ahead & making arrangements that will keep her safe & cared for.
Marion

Oh Pam, I feel so sorry that you are under all this pressure. You definitely need to get your doctor on the case as your own health is clearly suffering.
Please seek help with this as you should not be expected to cope with it alone. Sending you lots of (((((((hugs)))))).
You need to make it clear to social services that you have health problems too and it is out of the question that you care for her.
I hope you know you have friends on here to listen any time.

Cath xx

Pam, I am sorry you are having such problems. How dare the social worker say that your Mother is your problem. She doesn't live with you does she? She should be receiving help from the social worker not them pushing her off onto you.

You have been given lots of good advice on here so please be strong and follow it up and good luck and ((((((hugs))))))

Pam,

What a load of cobblers! Who do these people think they are?

I would contact your mothers doctors surgery, outline your reasons for appointment and ask if poss for an extended consultation......so as not to be rushed.

Her doctor should be able to get the wheels in motion for some kind of care for your mother................take yourself out of the picture, be firm and let him know that you are already a carer in your own right and could not possibly cope with any adfitional stress.

I am unable to see how they can let your mother leave the hospital in her condition......having health & mental issues while living alone.

Keep strong Pam

Annx

Poor,poor Pam. Looks to me like you have a narcissistic mother.

I don't know without looking whether you have been on the narcissism thread.I will bring it up for you.

A couple of ladies on the depression and anxiety thread have printed off the article cited on it and taken it with them when they have been to see a counsellor. Does your doctor offer counselling?

Can Macmillan offer any support, or your local carers association? If nothing else, you need a break before you crack up and cost the country an awful lot of money. Your health and sanity may be of little concern to the Social Services but I am sure the money you are saving them will be.

Thinking of you.
Will bring the narcissism thread up in case you want to look at it.

Oh my god Pam, you must try and get some help.
I find it astounding the amount of people that need help. And Lord Young said 'we've never had it so good'...get a life man!!!!!!
l remember about a yr or more a go a freinds (with alzheimers) daughter was desperate for advice and help and l gave her a link to Social services
Can't remember which one it was now but try this link....

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/CaringForSomeone/index.htm

it maybe the same as someone else has put up on here.
l know that friends daughter got alot of help, her problem now is with her father so its a different issue.

l do hope things improve for you Pam, you must get some respite.
Take care
jude xx

Pam, sorry to hear of your troubles.

An aunt of mine had a small fire at home and, although unhurt, spent a couple of days in hospital recovering from smoke inhalation. While the house was being sorted by insurance and by her two daughters she spent a few weeks in a nearby old people's home.

And she didn't want to leave! She hadn't wanted to go into a home before ut, having needed to, discovered she liked it and she is still there! Her daughters are now trying to sell her house to help fund this, and Aunty, who must be in her '80.s, is very happy.

What I'm trying to say is that maybe a home would be a positive move for her. Wishing you all the very best.

I don't know how you can cope with all those problems. Glad you were able to share on here because it does help.You do need to discuss it all with your GP. The social worker sounds useless!! When my mother was diagnosed with alzheimers, her doctor spoke to social services and sorted some things out. You could also try Age Concern, they can help intervene.
Love
Chris

Pam my heart goes out to you.

Sit down take a deep breath and start putting yourself first.

My Mum broke her arm and hip last Christmas and was discharged in March. Before her discharge she had a home visit to see if she could cope. They measured her furniture to see if it was the right height. If she could not cope in her own home alternative accommodation would have had to be found by the social worker. This is what happened to one of the other patients who had to stay in hospital for an extra three weeks.

Your mother lives on the sixth floor and has mobility issues. When she goes on her home visit say you are unable to go in daily as you have health issues. Ask how do they think she will cope if the lift is broken? They will organise a care package for your mother. Say there is no one to go in daily and if your mother tries to guilt trip you, just ask her what would she do in your shoes.

It is hard because she is still your mother. I am not saying abandon her because I know you won't be able to do that but make the social services organise a place in sheltered accommodation and take the pressure off yourself.

You are only one person and you must look after yourself because of all the pressures on your plate. You are entitled to enjoy your life so please take time out for just you. ((((((hugs))))))

Bless you Pam. I am pleased you put everything down on here as you need to talk. I would definately take the advise from all friends on here. See you mums doctor, ask for a long appt. as suggested earlier, and see your own doctor and tell him/her the same. I am sure they will agree you cannot do all this caring. We dont want you making yourself poorly, you will be no good to anyone then and then what would happen, you tell them that.
Hugs
xxx

Hi Pam.
Just wondering how things are going.
It can be a nightmare in your situation, but please remember that you need to do what´s right for you. You will never please everybody.
Marion

Pam, As sorry as I am for your Problems and they are many.You are going to have to Bite The Bullet and start using the word NO.Its hard but you will have to get used to saying it.then tell these people that if they wish to send your Mother home it will have to be to her house and they will have to be responsible for her welfare as you cannot and will not accept it .And STICK TO IT. Take Care (For Yourself ).**M**.