General Chat

Long story short I found lost relatives. I can't work out why they would put the call out to find family and completely ignore one side because of a relative that caused pain 60 odd years ago. I'm sure there are two sides to it and everyone was affected by this relative but anyhow past is the past.

Why look for family on ancestry etc if you don't want to acknowledge them at all?
Anyways guess there isn't much I can do I've tried to reach out I find it kinda sad that bitterness goes through the generations without even meeting others in the family... :(

I wish them the best really just need to vent...

Have they said that they don't want contact?

How long is it since you tried to contact them, maybe they haven't read your message yet?

Did you try to contact them on this site???

Id the envelope still showing green by the side of their name?

If so, that means they have not opened the message.


GR never deletes trees. It is up to the member to delete the tree, or to arrange for someone they trust to delete the tree.


There are many reasons why people do not receive messages through GR ........

1. They have changed their email address and have not given the new address to GR.

2. They have lost all their data

3. They have indeed lost interest

4. They are incapacitated by ill health or dead.


The moral to this story is ......

1. Make sure you provide a new email address to every site you have used.

2. Make sure that someone you trust has your password and ID so they can delete trees on GR and any other genealogy site you are on, as well as to cancel subscriptions etc etc.

I've contacted several ways. I know they have received it, sadly it looks like they just don't want the contact. I have made one last ditch attempt and sent registered mail but I've facebooked, texted, emailed from every site known to man as well as directly and emailed a friend of theirs lol The email account is active. Def the right people so no mistake there.

But I really can't force them at the end of the day. If I'm wrong I will make sure I come back and tell you though.

I was feeling disappointed but hey I knew digging at the past would reveal some skeletons. I'm prepared to bury them (the skeletons that is lol) but hey obviously I wasn't the side of the family they wanted to connect with. I do wish them well mind and I still hope for contact and a breakthrough. Wouldn't it be great if reconciliation happened in my generation. I can hope!

Some American family trees are becoming overgrown with new growth as divorces & stepfamilies multiply.

For example - what do you call your stepmother's son's live-in girlfriend's 11-year old son? :-S

Gray, I agree with you entirely as I have the same situation. My father was killed in the war before I was born, afterwards my mother fell out with his parents and we had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with them or my paternal family. Fast forward sixty + years, my mother and stepfather are both sadly dead and the internet is up and running! While I have found out through records and my lovely Dutch archivist friend all I need to know about my late father, contact with family members, except for one distant cousin years younger than me, has been nil! The family live close to where I was brought up, which makes it even more sad. I have tried to make contact with the four cousins I know I have, through the one contact, but he had to tell me that because of what happened so long ago, none of them have the least desire to have anything to do with me! It is sad, as I am an only child, and would love to have engaged with my lost relatives, what happened was nothing to do with me, but I've just had to accept that this bitterness has obviously gone down the generations and there's nothing I can do about it.

It may be less bitterness than a sense of loyalty. 'Keeping faith ' with the people you grew up with and who may have been the direct or indirect victim/s of the 'skeleton' situation is more important to some than finding or having contact with a cousin etc.

Surely that cuts both ways? who knows who said what to to who? I personally think the past should live in the past and not be carried on to following generations who were only babies at the time or not even born! I certainly feel no animosity at all over a situation beyond mine or anyone else's control and I think it's sad when others do, but maybe my mother was right, and they're not worth knowing anyway!

I know who said what to who Magpie :-)

There may be reasons why the relatives ( not yours or anyone's specifically) feel that contact with certain people serves no purpose, as an example I might not particularly want to hear from someone how great a mother/grandmother 'M' was to them, when she ignored her other family members completely (and based on info found out since that she was an awful hypocrite to boot lol).

That's not to say I personally wouldn't make contact with her other children/grandchildren, just that I would have the tact not to talk about that aspect of the past with them...but that is what many who make contact through genealogy sites actually want to do isn't it, discuss their family's past, not the here and now?

It's disappointing, and it's only polite to reply to messages, but I think a lot of people start a tree online with absolutely no interest in finding or keeping in contact with living members of the family, they just want to know more about the family line they are most interested in or they have an 'academic' interest rather than a personal one.

I was most interested in my mother's side of the family because I knew them best, from photos and stories etc. My father's side is more academic. Of the possibly dozens of cousins on that side only one has been in contact which was nice, but not as 'personal' somehow as neither of us had met the other's family or our mutual ancestors.

I also sent some old photos to someone on mum's side, with no eventual response, but there was a 'skeleton' ( not that I would term it as such) but it was their 'secret' to tell not mine to mention...maybe they felt constrained by that and chose not to have to go into it all with a stranger?

I think I feel that I would just like to have said 'hello', maybe sharing who came from where in the past, although of course the internet has told me a lot of that including an illegitimacy, (only one?!!!) and the same poor woman ending in the workhouse! I certainly don't want to become part of anyone's life, as I accept that I am a stranger, a blast from the past, but Hi would be lovely!

My husband had relatives from another European country and was pleased when a colleague helped him track down family. there.
He wrote to them and received a brief note acknowledging receipt, but asking that he did not contact them again.Perhaps they were resentful of the better life lived by those family who moved to UK.?
We were sorry about that, but respected their wish, but hoped that maybe in time the younger members of that family would know that family in UK would like to hear from them.
Sadly he has now died, so our children will probably never get to know that part of our family.

Magpie yes of course it cuts two ways no one is perfect and yes the past is the past. I still think its kinda sad though, we all have something we can give one another and to me family is valuable. with all of our individual faults the most wonderful gift is to be able to look past those and see the people and accept them for who they are regardless. I hold no grudges I guess I just wanted to reach out...

I agree Gwyn but at least they acknowleged your attempts at contact nothing for me. I respect that there is a lot of hurt in my family I just wish it could be reconciled and hopefully the next generation will be able to do that if it doesn't happen in mine :)

Thanks to you all for the replies, I was feeling a bit sad but I know now I've tried and the ball is in their court either way their choice and I respect that :)

I guess too that not everyone is really interested in genealogy

I know I get glazed eye looks from some family members when I enthuse about my latest find

Sometimes people think I will take a look and then lose the interest and they really don't want contact with possible relations sometimes umpteen times removed

:-(

My worst case of no reply was on my DNA site. I check on there weekly for new relatives. One week a man was found as a DNA cousin, an American who stated he was very interested in finding his roots. He said that his family was European and wanted to link up with cousins from the various countries. He named several countries and he had over 20 names in his list. Two of the names were in my tree although not direct to me so I contacted him - no response and that's within a week of him placing the message. :-S

I also think that some people worry in this day and age that contact from someone asking about family or claiming to be related could be a scam.

It has happened ...... information gained, then used to claim money from an unsuspecting, often elderly, family member.

Such scams can be quite common in the US ........... like the "I'm your grandson "Jack", I'm in (country), and I'm in trouble. I need $500 or I will be put in jail".


I think you really have to be very careful how you come over to the others that you wish to contact .... such as being VERY specific about the possible connection.

Yes agreed SylvainCanada, you need to be specific as I have been.

But you would think a 1st cousin looking for family would be interested. I possibly shouldn't have expected so much from them given past traumas that occurred on both sides. It's sad I missed out on an Aunt growing up though and sad that my dad before his death searched for her not knowing what became of her.

They (the cousin) were the ones searching for family on multiple sites though just obviously not this side lol but as I say it is their choice who they let in their lives. I do honestly wish them the best!

Oh wow PatinCyprus that is weird... I'm waiting for the DNA to come back hopefully only a few more weeks but will be interesting!

Magpie I missed that first post so sorry :( I think you understand my disappointment and I dare say its the same story with my family, they just can't go there. One day though who knows maybe that rift will be healed.

I guess I've been lucky with extended family members so I can't understand why people won't help. There are fall-outs and get-togethers in every family but I believe it's childish to carry feuds through generations - in fact, to even carry feuds is pointless.

The line I struggled to find out anything about was the line of my real surname. I persevered because I am a curious bod. Finally, one evening, I picked up the phone book and saw two names that matched my real name; rang the first and was passed on to the second. I had struck gold - they were fantastic amateur genealogists who sent me pages of information about that unknown line of my family.

I got together several times over a few years for coffee and lunch with second and third cousins of that line but old age and illness has caught up with some of us. Every last one of them has been marvellous and a joy to meet - sociable, knowledgeable and very friendly. And what a collection of occupations to add to our already-broad collection as well as varied blood groups - something I was particularly interested in. It was wonderful to see that my direct family was not the only one with so many members in so varied careers - and now I know where it comes from.

All in all, a great opportunity handed to me by a lovely couple to whom I shall always be grateful.

So, I say, if you are rebuffed, persevere even by simply asking the shy ones one question because it could lead to openness eventually.

With another line, my aunt left a lot of information because she had travelled to look at parish registers to check with what was in the family bible. Upon her death, my cousin gave me copies of everything as well as an old tape of my Mum playing piano and Dad singing - I never knew it existed. Unfortunately, we have not managed to trace the bible but we keep hoping. That information also led to a cousin who had been looking for me (or anyone from my 3 x gt grandmother's line) for several years. Several of us met and a strong friendship has sprung up between a few of us who gelled particularly well.

Shirley, I, too, get glazed looks from some immediate family members but one day ....further down the line ..... they or their dependants may be glad of whatever you leave them. I have three folders containing BMD certificates and copies together with a lot of typed information ready to be passed on when I kick the bucket.

And I reckon they're in for a treat! :-D <3