General Chat

Yes, Sharron, what Phil needs is somebody who is good at tramping to take Phil for lots of nice long walks. I cant do it (anyway if I tried at the hospital he wouldnt want to go back). When I last visited he wanted to come home to water his vege garden. I told him it didnt need it as we had had rain.He still wanted to come home. I am going to visit again today, but not looking forward to it. I just hope the new medication has sorted him out so he doesnt argue and want to go home.It is so tempting to stay away and say, no, he is as good as dead, why flog myself like this, but I cant abandon him unless the hospital says it would be better for him to help him forget me and home.

Huia.

How heartbreaking for you both. But you couldn't go on as you were. You could always phone the hospital before you leave, and make the desicion then.

Could not one of his friendly fire fighters take him out for a walk? Or is there a secure area in the grounds you could go into?

XXX

Huia, what a dilemma for you, and how hard it is for you to see your man like this, but what choice have you, wear yourself into the ground so you are not capable of caring even for yourself, and then both of you would end up in different homes? no of course not. It's up to the doctors to find the right medication and treatment for Phil including finding a way to help him through this with the exercise/walking he obviously misses so much. It might be an idea for you to talk to that doctor about it all over the phone if necessary and see if he can think of anything else that would help matters progress better towards the home you chose.


Is the sinus problem causing your eye problem or is that down to something else. Can you get your relative to come and stay for a couple of days with you, so you have someone to talk things through as and when you feel like it? It might help you a bit, as at the mo you have time to dwell on things even tho you are keeping very busy and maybe with some company you could feel a bit better in yourself.

Will be interested to see the pic when you get the calender off, thank you so much in advance, I am looking forward to it. Nearly time to change the month on this years and see what picture I have to look at, it's where I can look at it several times a day so you are often in my thoughts.

Best wishes to all who struggle with caring, I hope and pray I don't end up needing such care, or that I end up stuck here caring for o.h., mean as it sounds it is not the way I want to end my life, I am already stifled by being here and that would finish me off.

love and hugs, Huia, and anyone who needs a hug

Lizxxx

Not quite so bad today. He still wanted to come home but seemed calmer. At least I didnt finish in tears. I am ok at home on my own apart from the odd bout of tears. I am just going through the grieving process which widows go through, after all I am virtually a widow, albeit with Phils body still alive. Dont worry too much about me. I know you all care and I do appreciate it so much.

Huia.

Huia you have described yourself exactly as I did my father in law. You are grieving for the husband you have lost and unfortunately still have his body here, and the final good bye too.

I am glad it was a little better when you visited and hope the medication is finally getting sorted.

Thinking of you often

Linda :o) XxX

Hi Huia

Your tank may feel empty at times but then one of your GR friends helps fill it a little and I hope that takes you through another day or two. What may be making it worse for you now is that your caregiving role has virtually fallen away so that you are back to a caring wife. I think that the caregiving role has a denial element for emotional survival so that full focus can be given to the process. I have long suspected that it may come back and bite us when we think we can relax when some of the pressure producing adrenalin which has sustained us is off. They do not call Alzheimers "The Long Goodbye" for nothing.
Hold onto the valid thought that you did all that was within your power up to this point. They do not give medals for this but in your heart of hearts you know that if they did you would get one with bar as well. Then when care had gone beyond that and required others with greater experience and powers that you do not have then, difficult as it must be for all including yourself you have to rely on their judgement to medicate and give care (which will be far less than you had given as a one on one caregiver) that will alleviate the patient's propensity to feel that they know best when experience has already shown that is far from the case.

Have a good night's sleep

Bob

Hello Huia, every night l read my husband the messages that are on this thread, as l'm reading them to him my eyes often fill with tears because we both feel for you, we donot know the pain you are going through as we have not experienced anyone with Alzheimers but we admire you honesty and if in the future we have to cope with someone like you do at least you are giving us a insight to the problems that can occur.
To you Huia our thoughts are with you, to your husband, may you find peace and once again thankyou for your honesty Huia.
To you all caring for someone or anyone needing care would like to just say " hello ".

Thank you all. I have always felt that it helps me to talk about things rather than hold them in, but your replies have me in tears again! I dont post here to have you telling me what a 'wonderful' person I am. I know there are plenty of other people who have been through all this and possibly have coped better than I have. I certainly hope lots of people will read this thread so that if they have to go through the same thing or similar it will give them the courage to cope and then to let go when the time comes to hand over the caring reins to others.

Just remember, talking to others about your problems can immediately reduce them, even if the others do no more than listen. I found that out 20 years ago when my sister took her own life. That is why I am so open about my problems now.

Huia.

Dear Huia

Thank you for your courage in sharing that tragic event of losing your sister those many years ago. I for one, appreciate your last message, for it displays the trust you have accorded your friends on the site.

A similar tragedy in the 70's, but for a colleague's wife followed by him two weeks later, was the catalyst for reviewing my own life in the scheme of things. During that two week gap there seemed to be nothing I could say, for within me, I had no words that could bring comfort for that bereft friend. Later in a church service on marriage that my wife had encouraged me to go with her to, I clearly remember wanting to stand up and challenge the minister and say "And what about ...........?"
At a later service I knew as soon as the minister started speaking that a call was coming to step forward and it did.
I was uneasy during the whole service and feared when it would come to the end. When it did, several questions came into my mind to delay such an action. They were all dispelled particularly when the question in my mind about our own two daughters who were sitting with the youth group near the front and who were similarly moved. When I saw them spontaneously rise and walk forward this middle-aged man finally got the message, the courage, (for he thought he may never get another chance) and with many tears in his eyes walked forward. Since then I have never to feared expressing words of comfort and other questions that others may wish to avoid however inappropriate they may think they are and in fact very much are, in this PC world of ours.
I am just sorry it needed such an event to bring the change but have never regretted breaking those underlying fears that had bound me for so long.

Thank you again for sharing the sadness that has been in your heart for so long and giving me the courage to share this with you and others who have all wished you well.

Bob

Bob, my best wishes go to you and your wife.

Huia.

Sorry if it has been 'all about me'. I am coming to terms with my sorrow and am beginning to think of other people now.

Huia.

Hi Huia

Not at all! I am glad that you feel able to share the hard time you have just been going through. That is what is ahead for some of us. Caring seem to a subject that others do not want to broach but I must admit I really appreciate the occasional phone call and have regular emails from the relatives in the UK as well as good family contact. A friend I have seen each week for a year now told me just this morning that his mother who lives overseas was concerned that she has just had to put his father who has had Alzheimers for five years into secure-care. It is quite amazing how many people who cross your path will mention that a parent or in-law had the condition and how when you have a chat you find that there is some unique aspect to the behaviour pattern.
I have said to others that they may have to discard the chaff from my chatty conversations and take whatever kernel they may find. After all isn't that what friends do? I mentioned the other day to one friend that there are two people living half-lives each. I suppose such thoughts come quickly and are shared without out much serious consideration of what has been said.

I hope you have a good weekend. It seems as though spring is coming a little earlier and it is good when the days are lighter in the mornings and evenings.

Bob

Hi to all carers

I seem to have had a lot to say in the last week or two but having brought it forward to page 1 again I will keep quiet for a few days.

Kind regards

Bob

Bob, please don't stay away from the thread, it's good to see someone posting. I am struggling through the mire of life at the mo and can't seem to concentrate on much else except trying to sort out the holiday we are supposed to be going on in less than three weeks, so haven't been around much to help others and chat.

It doesn't mean you are out of my thoughts, Huia and all, just that my poor old brain isn't coping so well at the mo.

Take care all, keep on a-troshin' as the Norfolk saying goes lol

love
Lizxxx

Oh dear here I go again just when I said I was going to shup up for a while! Thanks Liz and have a good holiday. Just sharing the following which I have just received and which expresses in sand art, many emotions with such simple yet skilled spontaneity.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=518XP8prwZo

Aren't some people so creative?

Regards

Bob
PS Liz if you are going to the beach you will be able to try it out for yourself.

Shifted the kitchen round at the weekend.Now Mr Tiggywinkle can get to the tumble dryer as well as the washing machine.One more step forward,he won't need me at all soon.Then they will cut the huge amount of money I am paid each week to stay here with him.

He is still blackberrying at least twice a week,several pounds at a time.What can you do with blackberries that we are not already sick of?

Hi Sharron.

Phil came blackberrying with me last summer. I managed to spike my leg on a thorn but apart from the initial ouch I thought nothing of it until a few mins later I wondered why my leg felt so wet and when I looked down the leg of my thin cotton trousers was soaked in blood. We promptly came home where I removed them and found a small fountain of blood coming from the spot where I had spiked it. I have been on blood thinning aspirins. I applied a plaster and pressure and lay on the settee with my leg raised for a while and it stopped. But no more blackberrying for me.

Huia.

I forgot to say, good blackberries that havent been sprayed are becoming a rarity in New Zealand. They grow so wildly that they are a pest. Just like gorse and a lot of other introduced plants and animals.

Huia.

Nobody seems to go blackberrying much anymore,apart from the old man.You never see children picking them like we used to.You don't see them doing a lot of things we used to,which is probably just as well!

I used to know where to pick watercress too,and I grew up in the era of DDT.

Farmers seem to be more defensive of their land and they like the fruit themselves. Not sure that I would like fruit from the roadside hederows nowadays, too many traffic fumes and pollution.