General Chat

my sons daughter is 11 this year .basically hes always wrapped her in cotton wool so to speak.baring in mind theres some dodgy folk about,shes not been allowed to wander so to speak.what age should she be allowed to say go down the shops etcon her own.or go into town with her friend /friends.also i suggested nows the time to give her some advice on dealing with situations .any advice on this plz would be gratefully recieved.xxx

im Having that same problem mate :(
I have started to let her go down the shop with her friends , she starts big big school in sept and she will be going there with her friends :( apparently if i take her she will never forgive me lol .. I think now is the time hun for your son to let her girl have some freedom and get a bit street-wise .. but as long as she knows not to talk to strangers , she should be ok .. wish him luck xx
Rosex

any advice on what to warn her about or suggestions on what or how to say it.hes mortified that she was seen near her local shops without her mum about .i said .....you know shes 11 this year.he said yes and i dont want her at risk lol.xxxhelp .

I think before you start out with the shop issue you have to go right back to cause and effect and consequences.
Children have enormous difficulty in this day and age because they never experience consequence.
If they leave there lunch behind mum will brave all sorts of hurdles to race it to them if they forget shoes mum or dad will carry them if they are cold someone will give them a jersey If they go to climb anything or do something a bit risky mum and dad stand wringing there hands while calling the fire brigade to bring in a giant mat so they are not hurt.
maybe a bit of an exageration but we see it on these boards all the time grown adults living with there parents still not getting the consequences of the world.
My thoughts with her would be to start with the basics,get her doing lots of things at home which involve her thinking for herself,making her own lunch,packing her own bags making simple desicions and let her feel the natural consequence of mistakes.
When she is adept at a bit of problem solving at home she will automatically be more adept at coping with the people she might meet in the world then you can start helping her to figure out potential scenarios with a child that actually has an idea of how to think on her feet

baby S is 4 but can only play out with the older kids, and isnt allowed of the front, if not hes in the garden,

once they go the seniors you have to gve them more freedom, the town to us is 3 mile and a bus ride so he wont be goign with friends till hes at least 13,

the shop is a few doors down so he be going there when hes 6 for me bread n milk hahaa,

i think ya have to be honest with her, explain ya worries, and you will probably find she reassures him, shes a big girl not daft and knows the worries he has, its amzing how even the most neive kids, know whats goign on around them

xxx

tania i like that idea .when she comes to ours ,she helps do the veg ,and will get herself stuff to eat as in sarnies etc.when she goes back to her moms the things she came with she has to sort it out to take back.my son has always been protective of her .the only men around her here are 1 million percent trustworthy.but i feel she needs to start learning for herself .its just where to start.hes told her she can have a boyfriend when shes in her 50s .lmao.and she can work with the nuns till then .xxx

thanks stray .its just where does he begin.and how far.wish there was a book .i had lads and yes we talked and they seemed to do ok.but girls are a different kettle of fish.xxx

its time to cut the apron strings
and gently allow the child more freedom to
be come their own person

hard as it is its for the child's benefit
good luck xx

you right reggie.we hear such horrible things ,hes really worried .i think he knows he has to take the bull by the horns.hes just not sure how .xxx

do it gently a short distance at first
till the child and the parent gain confidence in the big wide world

bad things can happen no matter where even in the home
but are more likely to happen to kids that are not streetwise

the caterpillar must be allowed to become a butterfly and gain its wings

Its really simple but it works.
I dont know about you but when I was young If I left my shoes behind I got prickles,if I left my lunch I was hungry, I learnt how to use the lttle sharp knife for cutting things and cut myself in the process and I got the odd small burn off the toaster.
It sets you up for the world,our poor kids today go from living there world through tv and games,absolutely nothing happens to them, you crash you car on xbox everyone comes back to life and carries on,if you lose something no worries mum and dad will get another one etc etc then they get up to a certain age and we set them loose with no life skills,or we have them clinging to our skirts when they are 40.
Look at school everyone gets a reward no one fails the poor beggars get to the real world and it is such a rude surprise to them,they are genuinly astonished that other people dont find them as spectacular as mum and dad do.
I guess my point is
If she has been wrapped up in cotton wool telling her what to do will not work at all her own radar has to be sharp first.
It sounds like you are doing all the right stuff at your place ,give her heaps of responsibilities if things go badly stand by and encourage her as she learns to work it out let her know stand up dust yourself off think it through and try again that way if she encounters a problem she will be thinking how do I solve this how do I get away Oh I can call out to that adult I can cross the road I can go back in to the shop she wont be thinking help wheres dad I dont know what to do

HOW ABOUT ASKING THEIR SCHOOL IF THEY COULD GET
THE COMMUNITY POLICE TO GIVE A INFORMAL AFTER
SCHOOL CHAT
MAY BE HELPFULL

Lots of good advice here Joy and I am sure she will eventually cope, but will Dad? It seems it is more him who has to come to terms with the fact that his baby girl is growing up and will become independent of him soon.

thanks for all this girls .dizzi i love your idea.
ann you are so right.hes a single dad and worrys .my eldest sons just the same.niether have smacked them as they say if you have to smack to get your point across your failing.[ouch...i failed bad then lol]
as did my mom and grandparents lol.
he sees bad stuff on tv then spends ages worrying about it.in saying this niether girls have had bad accidents in there care and you can take them anywhere.but they both need to lighten up a bit i think.xxx

OMG......if only they came with an instruction book!!

At 11 ......she should /could have a mobile phone which may set parents minds at rest some what ...
How does she get to school and home again ..as she could be given a time to get home by and if she doesnt she is collected again the next day ...each time allowning her to judge whats right and wrong ...

Now a little side line
There are companies that trace mobile phones google them

What you do is sign up and add your mobile numbers to that site and they keep tack of where the phone is !!!! now it does cost last time I looked was £12.00 a year and you do have to send a text from that site to the phone and accept that the phone will be traced....when mum /dad wants to know where child is they go to site and sign in and add number it is ment to trace the phone wothin 100meters

hi kemp.sone got her a phone but shes not always got it with her .but its a great idea and worth 12 pounds for her safety.will tell him .xx

My girl is 11 & is going to big school in sept. A good half hour to 3/4 hour walk.

She is allowed to go down to the local shop & back on her own.(2 min walk)

We are lucky as we have a green outside our house with houses on three sides. If she plays out she can play out there, But I wont have her hanging round the streets with friends at this stage.

Shes a sensible girl & I trust her, but I dont trust other people not to bring harm to her. Shes still a child and still looks like one.

This summer I'll be giving her a bit of slack.

I'll be sending her to town (20 min walk away) to go on mini errands :o)) (she cant wait LOL )
Maybe her friends will go with her if her mum allows her that is.

As for starting secondary school. They all go in at the deep end at first.

Daughter is familier with the school as her brother will be in yr 11 next sept. She knows the route but still worries that she wont find her way round the school itself & she'll get detention.

Put things into perspective it will be the whole of yr 7 who wont know where they are going. & within 2 weeks she will know the school like the back of her hand. :o))

This is true, as her bro had the same fears when he started :o))

I would also advise that your grandaughter walk to the school with an adult at first (during the summer hols) to learn the route.(and roughly the time it takes to get there) then for her to go either alone or with a friend also going to the same school. Let her take a cheap mobile to ring you when she gets there before she heads back.(and you can keep in touch too)

when she starts big school, independance comes part of the parcel with the often long walk there. Everything will follow at its own pace.

Regarding community police speaking to the yr 6 kids. In our school, and indeed area. The kids go to an event called Crucial Crew. This involves police etc and they take the kids through various scenarios. This covers safety, strangers and drugs.

Its worth checking with your schools to see if they offer the same advice..

Just trying to think what I was doing (or allowed to do) when I was 11/12/13 . . .

I went shopping in my home town at the weekends sometimes, or I'd meet my friends from school in town and we'd go round the shops together. Every now and then we went to Blackburn on the train (which was about 20 minutes' journey) and look round the shops for a few hours. Maybe she could do something like that now and then, with friends of hers that her dad knows (or knows the parents of)?

I didn't have a mobile phone then, but this was 1995-1997 so not many people my age did have one.

Funny thing, but Rose's post reminded me how much more daring my friends got re. swearing in front of each other once we got to secondary school. They wouldn't have dared earlier in the year when we were still at primary school (where our parents knew all the teachers) but, come the autumn, a few miles from our home town with new teachers - out of the group of four that I was part of, all but one of us was an eldest child so our parents had no idea which teacher was which or even what they looked like . . . and did my friends change!

My son was allowed to go to the local park before he was 10 with friends, didn't realize I could see him from the back bedroom windows; he walked to his local Junior when I judged he was old enough to ... I'd watch him from my bedroom window and then he'd wave to me as he entered the path leading to the playground.

When he was 10 I felt I should let him go to the local shops and aged 11 I had to let him venture a little further afield.

He was in the Scouts, responsible and quite mature for his age. I'd phone his mobile or he would phone me.

xxx Shimms xxx

Havent things changed ......I walked to school alone from the first day!!! and took my little sisters with me as the time came round....we would spend alday of with our mates and jumping in ditches and riding our bikes!!!

Now days we have to worry about almost everything and everyone!!

The other thing I did was taught my kids to speak to people ONLY in shops who served people as I believe we cant trust police nowdays either its to easy to get hold of look alike uniforms!!!...same with any service like that now and how is a child to know which is real and which isnt

she walks to school already as its just round the corner.even now when its time for her bed he says nahhhhhhhh she can stay up ...i hate her being up there on her own.....groans......
ive shown him everything here now i left him to go chew on it.so fingers crossed.thanks for all the advice its helped [i hope]xxx