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OLDE CRONE RETURNS!!!! Time to journey home......

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Conan

Conan Report 15 Dec 2005 16:50

Even though Mistress Crone’s House Rules exclude me from attending what looks like being an ever to be missed wondrously seasonal gathering of …….. erm ………… mature Ladies with much to discuss, I would dearly like to donate something suitable to the celebration. I have therefore put together a festive hamper of a few bits that , with great difficulty, I can manage without this C-day and I would be honoured if you would accept it in the caring, sharing spirit that it is offered and which always seems to grip me (by the throat) at this time of year. The wicker basket is merely a convenient container and should not be looked at too lovingly. It was last used several years ago to transport a number of hedgehogs from their home by a busy roadway to a place of safety. I am sure that their fleas would have dispersed by now. Inside the basket, amongst many other goodies, you will find a couple of bottles of my favourite Japanese Chardonay. Although it gives no year on the bottles I can tell you that they are both 1995 vintage (well, that is when I bought them). There is also a jar of pitted olives. My mother won them in a raffle and gave them to me. I, rather generously, donated them to the local church C-day bazaar and, would you believe, she won them again. I am not keen on olives so you may have them with my compliments. Take no notice of the pits, they are caused by a small burrowing worm which, just like the tequila worm in some bottles of mescal, indicates a certain .............. naturality. I have also put in a jar of pickled Greek goats cheese. I think the green speckles are a mould rather similar to that found in Stilton. I have tightened up the lid of the jar, so that should stop any further discolouration. I hope you enjoy pulling the C-mas crackers. They were made by my eldest son several years ago in his chemistry class at school. They should make your party go with a bang. And last but not least I have given you a six foot C-mas tree. It is the one I bought last year and planted in the garden after the festivities. It has never really been happy there so I thought I would dig it up and let you give it a good home, at least for the next couple of weeks. I hear that black trees are all the fashion this year, especially if most of the needles are missing. This tempting basket of delights will be delivered by special courier in the next day or two. No need to sign for it, in fact he would prefer not to stop and will just quickly push it out the back of the van into the front garden and be on his way. I hope you all have a wonderful time and I shall be thinking of you on the morning of that joyous day …………………. especially if I see a large flock of screaming seagulls urgently making their way upwind. K

Merry Monty

Merry Monty Report 15 Dec 2005 17:12

Keith, Thank you SOOOO much for the hamper.........are you absolutely sure you are not related to Olde Crone????? If anyone misbehaves at the party we can ask them to sit on one of the crackers before it's pulled..........a sort of ''homing device''......... Merry

Joy Kentish Maid

Joy Kentish Maid Report 15 Dec 2005 17:26

The more I read this..... the more I am put in mind of the virtual Christmas party on a rootsweb Cornish mailing list......... all set off from various parts of the world and meet, of course, in Cornwall. Last year I sailed on the HMS Victory from Portsmouth. :-)

Unknown

Unknown Report 15 Dec 2005 17:28

Mature ladies??? Who IS Keith referring to??? IS ANYONE ON THIS THREAD MATURE???? IS ANYONE ON THIS THREAD A LADY???? Of course not, so there must be another C party on the move .....! Hope the hamper reaches the right one or we will be disappointed. Bev x

Merry Monty

Merry Monty Report 15 Dec 2005 17:31

Bev....anyone else would sent the delivery man packing....only we would accept such a hamper! Merry

babs123

babs123 Report 15 Dec 2005 17:32

never mind, Keith and Joy, but we were promised a party for the cats and Kats and guests but we obviously got it wrong. Anyway Merry C to you all. I've left the sour grapes at the Watford Gap for someone to pick up as they whoosh by. LOL :)

The Bag

The Bag Report 15 Dec 2005 18:15

anyone's welcome - just come an join us, Crone wont mind- ...Crone wont have to Mind. We're not taking sour grapes, either sweet seedless (because the pips play havock with my plate ) or none at all, unless fermented. Its really simple- just find your mode of transport ,kit yourself out with the red tinsel G string & wooly hat & come bearing gifts, ideally those scoring 9 on the 'Naff' meter. Actually we have decided against the tinsel G strings? Perhaps as well, they were chaffing somewhat- ( i was wearing them in, so to speak)

An Olde Crone

An Olde Crone Report 15 Dec 2005 18:37

It is gradually dawning on, me with a certain sense of deja-vu, that my lovingly-planned C- spent entirely on the sofa, eating an A5 bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk, is in fact, going to be no different from any other b***** C-. Me, in the kitchen for three days, catering for an assortment of barmy strangers, who pretend they are my relatives and are descending on me uninvited, dogs, reindeer, huskies, peeing all over my furniture, drinking my drink and turning their noses up at my culinary offerings having neglected to tell me in advance that they never eat anything containing the letter a. However, I was struck by the most amazingly genius idea, about 4 am this morning - PUNCH! Festive Punch! We have all the ingredients to make a sort of Winter Pimms - 24 litres elderberry wine, various miniature liqueurs, pickled kumquats, gherkins, Eat Me dates, glace cherries - perfect! I shall make it in the bath (it won't strip the enamel, will it?) and we can ladle it out as required. If I throw in the rest of my nutmegs, it will be really spicy and we could heat it on the barbie - Mulled Winter Pimms! Oh, and all the hazelnuts left over from the Selected Nuts Pack last year - no-one likes them. Rather worried about what reindeers eat though - does anyone know? I have solved the problem of animal quarters at a single stroke, I think. At the end of my rather select cul-de-sac, are two blocks of garages facing each other. I spotted some very nice chain-link fencing round a building site this morning, so as soon as its dark, I'm off with wire-clippers. I thought if I nail it across each end of the gargae blocks it would make a nice sort of compound. If I can talk the neighbours into leaving their garage doors open, the animals could have somewhere dry to sleep. I don't foresee any problem with this, the garages were built long before the dimensions for People Carriers were decided on, and so no-one can actually get a car in their garage; certainly not me, because although I do not have a PC, I do have a large and valuable collection of rusty paint tins, old wardrobes and useful, oversized cardboard boxes, so no room for a car. Oh, any news on Bev's Mum? I ask, not just in the spirit of courtesy, but because when I returned from the Battlefront this morning I found a lady of uncertain age, sitting on my lawn, surrounded by shreds of brown paper. I have so far managed to avoid making eye-contact, but she seems to be in some distress now, hopping up and down with her legs crossed. Did you address the parcel properly, Bev? Sufficient postage? Olde Crone

Merry Monty

Merry Monty Report 15 Dec 2005 18:38

All are welcome as long as they fit Crone's Criteria on page 8 !! I have just been looking at G-strings on ebay.....talk about making your eyes water, and they're not even tinsel........ Merry

Merry Monty

Merry Monty Report 15 Dec 2005 18:42

********I HAVE FOUND THE IDEAL HOSTESS PRESENT for CRONE*********** We will have to club together..... it's starting bid £1.50, but we can save postage coz it's located in Cornwall (maybe it's being SOLD by Crone????) Anyway....see eBay item no: 8361870458 What do you think? merry

The Bag

The Bag Report 15 Dec 2005 18:45

OOps- am i the only person on here that has no idea how to get onto e-bay?

Unknown

Unknown Report 15 Dec 2005 19:00

Funny you should ask about my mother Olde Crone ..... being short of time, money, resources (and the required bucketloads of patience), I gave up trying to get mother Royal Mailed to Oz. Instead I bunged her on the Greenwich Ferry - it was pointing directly south east and towards Oz at the time. Mum can be very persuasive and it wasn't much of a detour for the boat. Where she is now, who knows! But, she could have jumped ship at the Thames Barrier and from there hopped on a passing ............ bigger boat ?................. and hitched a lift round to ....... where is it you live again? Blimey .... I'm turning into my mother ....... And another thing, I've spent hours - with crippled and stabbed fingers toiling over red tinsel G-strings, in a variety of sizes to suit all, (even had enough tinsel left to make matching nipple tassels - someone bring some Blutak) so you will all wear one and look fetching! Bev x

Phoenix

Phoenix Report 15 Dec 2005 19:17

Old Crone, there is no need to worry about the reindeer quarters, though personally I wouldn't bother to joint them. Provided the barbeque is nice and hot, they should cook in no time.

babs123

babs123 Report 15 Dec 2005 19:23

Not invisible to you Joy!!! Tried my best, posted twice, deleted thro humiliation. I'm off now til New Year - going somewhere where there's no mention of C at all. I'll drop off the pressies if i can persuade the pilot to make a detour over Cornwall. If you have some old sheets handy it might be best to get them strung out somewhere close by. Please don't use an old trampouline, some are a bit weighty and they could boyng off anywhere. If you have no old sheets i could suggest you sew together some t.... perhaps not on second thoughts. K

Merry Monty

Merry Monty Report 15 Dec 2005 19:31

Invisible woman with C Bells on..........I don't know who you were before, but are you saying I left you off the invite list posted a couple of pages back?? Apologies :o(( Jess (and anyone else who can't Do eBay!) It's a book called ''Celebrating the Crone'' Here's the description: ''Design your One-of-a-Kind Croning Ritual. You are a wise woman, a sage, an elder: You are, at last, a glorious, powerful Crone, and it is time to celebrate the experience and wisdom that the years have blessed you with. Celebrating the Crone is a guide for creating a unique, deeply meaningful ritual to recognise your transition to Cronehood. Learn the thoughts of other women on Croning - and how they have celebrated it - with insightful quotes and accounts of their personal ceremonies. Choose from an inspiring variety of Croning resources, including songs, poetry, and guided meditations. Finally celebrate the Crone and honour who you are, how far you have come, and where you're going next.'' If it's no good we can always use it for mopping up the spilled mulled wine thingy..... Merry

An Olde Crone

An Olde Crone Report 15 Dec 2005 19:49

Merry I WROTE that book, under a pseudonym, of course. FESTIVE ENTERTAINMENTS PROGRAMME Day One An illustrated slide show with individual biographies of Olde Crone's 259 named relatives. (Short interval for refreshments) An illustrated slide show of individuals not yet proven to be Olde Crone's relatives, accompanied by a fascinating tour of all the Parish Registers of Lancashire, copied in the fair hand of Olde Crone Day Two A visit to the local Recycling Centre and municipal dump, taking in the various skips. There will be time for you to choose and purchase (or indeed steal) any of the discarded items on offer. Stout shoes should be worn Day Three A rare opportunity to look at the private photograph albums of the Crone Family, including such gems as 'Selsey Bill,Caravan Holiday, 1974' and 'Views of the Bay' (no location). Also included is a complete set of 24 photographs, previously unpublished, of the footings being dug for a new house, c.1985. Number 18 in this series, probably the most valuable, shows a trench with a ruler in it. The rest just show trenches. Please feel free to add any ideas for entertainment, I am rather rusty at this and may not, in the event, actually be here, having headed hastily the other way up the A30. Olde Crone

Merry Monty

Merry Monty Report 15 Dec 2005 20:04

Am sending a pair of handcuffs to you Express delivery. Please use them to chain yourself to the radiator so you cannot leave....also make sure you are NOT within arms reach of the slide projector/photo album etc etc. Merry

The Bag

The Bag Report 15 Dec 2005 20:09

Merry - Sweetie- its her autobiography- Olde Crone is the seller.....

Merry Monty

Merry Monty Report 15 Dec 2005 20:58

Yes, she just told me that...... Well, saves bothering to take her anything I say....she will have to make do with the C-mas goodies only. Should we send her anything to clean the bath out with first? Before she makes the C-mas punch? Or will the black line round just add to the piquancy? Merry

Merry Monty

Merry Monty Report 15 Dec 2005 21:05

Pamela, a Synopsis You are welcome to join our C-mas cyber party at Olde Crone's in Cornwall. You must fit her criteria posted on page 8 and be willing to wear a tinsel G-string and red plastic bin bag for the event of the year!! Olde Crone is making C-day Punch in her bath and we are all taking out of date festive goodies to the bash. The event was invented because some of us are fed up with looking after our rellies on this special day and so we thought we'd let Olde Crone ''Do'' our C-day for us, for a change! Hope you decide you would like to come to this discerning event? Merry