General Chat

Just give this a nudge we were losing it again, but thats coz its a famale thread and women are aloud to lose it every now and again it keeps us sane hehehe lol

Just nudging this up again coz its fun!!!

I Like that. very true. Men are such wimps at times lol

WEIRD OLD LADY A very weird thing has happened! A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she has come from, or how she got in. All I know is that one-day she wasn’t there and the next day she was. She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance there she is, hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude. I have tried screaming at her but she just screams back. If she insists on hanging around, the least she could do if to offer to pay part of the rent, but no. Every once in a while I find a fiver stuck in a coat pocket or some loose change under a cushion but it is not nearly enough. I don’t want to jump to conclusions but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the Post Office and draw £50 and a few days later it’s all gone. I certainly don’t spend money THAT fast, so I can only conclude the old lady is stealing from me. You’d think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle creams. Lord knows she needs it. And money isn’t the only thing she is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate – especially the good stuff like cakes, chocolate and ice cream. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she’d better watch it because she’s really piling on the pounds. I suspect she realises this, and to make herself feel better she is tampering with my scales to make me think I am putting on weight too. For an old lady she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going into my cupboards when I’m not at home and altering my clothes so they don’t fit. She gets into my mail, my newspapers and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can’t read it. And she does something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio and telephone. Now all I hear are mumbles and whispers. She’s done other things – like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum sweeper heavier and all my knobs and taps harder to turn on. She even made my bed higher so that getting in and out of it is a real challenge. She has taken the fun out of clothes shopping. When I try something on she stands in front of the changing room mirror and monopolises it. She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus, she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me. Just when I thought she couldn’t get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came with me to get my passport photo taken and as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me! Now, no one is going to believe that the picture of that old lady is me!!!”

Norah! I have an old chap in MY house that does almost the same things, he keeps hiding things, that I knew where I put them.He also drives my car....I fill up the tank, and a couple of days later..its nearly on empty...drinks my beer from the fridge.....that new razer blade is blunt..and so on...Bob

An Ode to Mammograms For years and years they told me, be careful of your breasts Don't ever squeeze or bruise them and give them monthly tests. So I heeded all their warnings, and protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, and I always wore my bra. After 30 years of astute care, My Genoa, Dr. Pruitt, Said I should get a Mammogram," I said, "let's do it." Stand up here real close" she said, (She got my boob in line), and tell me when it hurts," she said, Oh yes! Right there, that's fine." She stepped upon a pedal; I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate came slamming down, my hooter's in a vice! My skin was stretched and mangled, from underneath my chin. My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish Pancake thin. Excruciating pain I felt, within its vice-like grip. A prisoner in this vicious thing, my poor defenceless tit! "Take a deep breath" she said to me, who does she think she's kidding??? My chest is mashed in her machine, and woozy I am getting. There, that's good," I heard her say, (the room was slowly swaying.) Now, let's have a go at the other one.” Have mercy, I was praying. It squeezed me from both up and down; it squeezed me from both sides. I'll bet SHE'S never had this done, To HER tender little hide. Next time that they make me do this, I will request a blindfold. I have no wish to see again, my knockers getting steam rolled. If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. If there had been a cyst in there, It would have gone "ker-pow!" This machine was created by a man, of this, I have no doubt. I'd like to stick his balls in there, and see how THEY come out! Hope I'm not offending anyone. Norah in Hampshire

Hi Bob Don't these old fogeys get on your nerves. You just can't get rid of them can you? I can't even keep any chocolate in the fridge without she comes and nicks it. Norah in Hampshire

Nudge Nudge wink wink lol Alaina

Life is not measured by the breaths we take But by the moments that take our breath away ………………………………. Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet When our wings have trouble remembering how to fly ……………………………….. Norah in Hampshire

A woman tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because her car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to her friend. He told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the woman, "If I only can sell the car." "Okay," he said. "Here is the address of a mate of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him that I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car any more." The following weekend, the woman made the trip to the mechanic. About a month later, her friend asks her, "Did you sell your car?" "No", she replies, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

Woman - A Chemical Analysis Element : Woman Symbol : Wo Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175. Discoverer : Adam Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations. Physical Properties : a) Surface usually covered with painted film. b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason. c) Melts if given special treatment. d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care! e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore. f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points. Chemical Properties : a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones. b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates. d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point. e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense. f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man. Uses : a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels. c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances. d) Can cool things down when it's too hot. Tests : a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state. b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen. Caution : a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling. b) Illegal to possess more than one.

There are special people Who touch our lives in a certain way And having known them, We will never be the same. Norah

This little gem just tickles me pink:- A housewife preparing veetables for lunch asked her husband to get her a cabbage from the garden. He was away so long that she went looking for him, and found that he had collapsed and died. At his funeral, a friend of the family asked his wife, "whatever did you do?" to which she replied, "I had to open a tin of peas". Norah

WHAT IS A GRANDMOTHER? A grandmother is a little girl who suddenly shows up one day with a touch of grey in her hair. Better than anything, she has a way of understanding little boys. Especially men who are grown up little boys. Something about a grandmother is always making youhungry; Maybe it's the apple pies baking and the chicken frying and the biscuits in the oven. But Grandma always has the nicest smelling house. Long before Band-Aids were invented, she was the best person to take care of scraped knees and scratched elbows and banged heads. It was something in the way she touched you. Grandmother was an expert on mischief too, especially when you had been into it. When she looked right into your eyes it was pretty hard to fool her about what really happened. Really. And it was when you were almost too big to sit on her lap that she was a very special person to talk to. Sometimes, she would give you the right answers without ever saying a word. How did a little girl ever grow up to be so clever? Maybe it came wih the silver hair. Maybe it comes suddenly with being a grandmother. Harry McMahan.

Norah That was lovely it just reminded me of my nan, she never interfers just listens when I need to talk then gives me her wisdom. Thank you for that. Alaina xx

A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to".

Christine Davis sent me this one via email, I thought it just had to go on this thread lol CLASSES FOR MEN AT OUR LOCAL LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS SIGN UP BY MARCH 25TH. NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS,EACH COURSE WILL ACCEPT A MAXIMUM OF 8 PARTICIPANTS EACH. Topic 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. -- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Topic 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself? -- Round Table Discussion. Topic 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and Avoiding the Floor/Walls/Nearby Bathtub? -- Group Practice. Topic 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor. -- Pictures/Explanatory Graphics. Topic 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink? -- Examples on Video Topic 6: Loss of Identity - Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other. -- Help Line Support and Support Groups Topic 7: Learning How to Find Things - Starting with Looking in the Right Places Instead of Turning the House Upside Down While screaming. -- Open Forum. Topic 8: Health Watch - Bringing her Flowers is Not Harmful to Your Health. -- Graphics and Audio Tapes. Topic 9: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost. -- Real Life Testimonials. Topic 10: Is it Genetically Impossible to Sit Quietly While she Parallel Parks? -- Driving Simulations Topic 11: Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and Role-Playing. Topic 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. -- Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Topic 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going to be Late. -- Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Topic 14: The Stove/Oven - What it is and How it is Used. -- Live demonstration. ** Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.**

Wendy. I have spent the last half hour of my precious ancester searching time reading your references to the opposite sex & have had the greatest "belly laugh" for a long long time. Where do you get them from?. I will have to tune in again another time to read some more.

An old lady, slightly mad, is wandering round the old folks home with her zimmer on wheels. Another loony suddenly stops her in the corridor and says, "Show me your driving licence". The old woman fiddles about in her pocket and pulls out a sweet wrapper. He checks it and lets her go on her way. Another man stops her and demands to see her tax disc. She presents a coaster which the lunatic checks before letting her pass on. She carries on and spots another man standing with his penis hanging out. She quickly turns away and says to herself, "Oh no, not that bloody breathalyser again!".

An old couple were sitting in the waiting room of the doctor's office when the nurse came out and said, "Mr. Jones, the doctor told me that he needs you to give a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample before he examines you." The old man looked up at the nurse, cupped his right ear and said, "What did you say?" The nurse came a little closer and said very loudly, "We're going to need you to give a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample, Mr. Jones." The old man leaned forward and said, "What did you say, young lady?", then turning to his wife next to him he shouted, "what'd she say?" His wife leaned over and shouted in his ear, "She said she wants your shorts!"