General Chat

Give this a nudge I think it was getting lost again Alaina :-)

Men are like fine wine. They start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with." What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? Close the door. If they can put one man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there. When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it. How do you make your husband wake up with a smile on his face on Monday morning? Tell him a joke on Friday night. Why do men get married? So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more. What are a woman's four favourite animals? A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and an ass to pay for it all. What did God say after she made Eve? "Practice makes perfect." What is gross stupidity? 144 men in one room. How many men does it take to screw a light bulb? Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind. 2. No business. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow. What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband? Miss her. Behind every great woman is a man telling her she's ignoring him. He keeps a record of everything he eats. It's called a tie. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow. What are the words women hate to hear when they are enjoying great sex? "Honey! I'm home!" Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful? God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb? God says: "So she would love you." Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years? He wouldn't ask for directions.

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit." Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet." The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?" No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor. Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."

Said the doddery old affluent chappie, to the voluptuous young beauty, " how would you like to be a Rich, Young, WIDOW?

Habere et tenere

Vis comica

you tell me yours, and i'll tell you mine

~~~~~~~~~~MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL~~~~~~~~~~ AGE 3 She looks at herself and sees a queen. AGE 8 She looks at herself and sees Cinderella AGE 15 Sh looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister. (Mum I can't go to school looking like this!) AGE 20 She looks at herself and sees "too fat/thin, too short/tall, too straight/too curly" - but decides she's going out anyway. AGE 30 She looks at herself and sees "too fat/thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but decides she doesn't have time to fix it, so she's going out anyway. AGE 40 She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but says, "At least I'm "clean" and goes out anyway. AGE 50 Sh looks at herslf and sees "I am" and goes whereever she wants to go. AGE 60 She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore Goes out and conquers the world. AGE 70 She looks at herself and sees Wisdom, Laughter and Ability. Goes out and enjoys life. AGE 80 Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.

I've found my thread hurray I thought it was gone forever!

That was wonderful and it's true! Thankyou.

Little Old Lady Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 87 years old. Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening when a young man comes creeping upon the porch and sat down beside me. Defence Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defence Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defence Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago. Defence Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defence Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defence Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" so I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!" Defence Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the little bastard.

how can i print this off? its lovely and i want to send it to some friends.

this is from radio4/ clement freud; very old chap moves up to old lady in a wheelchair, and asks,"do you know how old,i am?" so the old dear in the wheelchair gets closer to the old'uns zimmer frame and takes her hand into his trousers,and has an lengthy assessment of his Tackle and says" 84 years old". " thats clever", he says, "how did you work that out?" "Simple" she says, " you told me yesterday"!!!!!!!!!!!

Alaina Beautiful. I sent it to a friend and both her and her daughter cried on reading it!!

The Rules 1. The female always makes the rules. 2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification. 3. No male can not possibly know all the rules. 4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules she must immediately change some or all of them. 5. The female is never wrong. 6. If the female is wrong it is due to a misunderstanding of something the male did. 7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The female may change her mind at any time. 9. The male must never change his mind without the written consent of the female. 10. The female has every right to be angry at any time. 11. The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The female must never let the male know if she wants him to be angry or upset. 13. The male is expected to be a mind reader at all times. 14. The male who doesn't abide by the rules can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp. 15. Any attempt to document the rules could result in actual bodily harm. 16. The female is ready when she is ready. 17. The male must be ready at all times. 18. If the female has PMT all the rules are null and void.

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "Because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly, and lowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice."No, I've got everything I need." she says. "Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag." Never underestimate how a woman thinks.

A Wee Nudge :-)

This thread is so funny. Well done all of you! Jack x

After a long absence I went to church. The Vicar took one look at me and exclaimed "God - you still with us?" So next time you meet me, doff your hat and bend a knee. Len