General Chat

replying so i can come back tomorrow and have a look!

Hi all, some of these postings, are Originals, others might be re-prints. Unfortunately, some postings are missing,probably because the originators have left the site. But I hope that you have a good read,I try not to let this thread fall into oblivion. Bob

Added by ♥Sue at Langley Vale ♥ 36540 on 22/04/2005 08:54:14 A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy man entered He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him The man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (As all men will) Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £20 on one condition' (There are always conditions!) Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words' (Controlling, huh?) The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a £20 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said ........................... 'Clean my house' -----------------------------------------------------------------------

Added by Lindy in the Algarve on 22/04/2005 13:06:52 The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready and nothing could dampen Debby's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother, Sheila, finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride, EVER! A week later, Debby was horrified to learn that her new young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, 'Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress. I'll look like a million bucks in it!' Debby told her mother, who graciously replied, 'Never mind dear. I'll get another dress. After all, it's YOUR special day, not hers.' Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Debby asked her mother, 'What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don't have any place to wear it.' Sheila grinned and replied, 'Of course, I do, dear! I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before!' Now, what woman wouldn't like this story?!

It's not difficult to make a woman happy, a man only needs to be : 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynaecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organiser 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 44. give her compliments regularly 45. love shopping 46. be honest 47. be very rich 48. not stress her out 49. not look at other girls AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 53. to never forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY : 1. Shag him 2. Leave him in peace

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me.' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. 'Hardly worth going home is it?' ..................................................................................... The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed her ex-husband at the bar. 'Honey,' she said as she pointed the guy out, 'that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.' Her husband said, 'That's silly, no one celebrates that much.' ..................................................................................... True bravery is... arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' ...................................................................................... A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the shopping centre and ran to the toy shop and he asked the manager: 'How much is that new Barbie in the window?' The Manager replied: 'Which one? We have: 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00.' 'Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?' the dad asked. 'Divorced Barbie' comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture'...

nudged

Added by Lindy in the Algarve on 07/06/2005 13:40:48 A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York City. He tells the saleslady, 'I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B.' With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, 'What kind of bra?' He repeated 'A Jewish bra - She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted.' 'Ah, now I remember,' said the saleslady. 'We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.' Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked 'So, what are the differences?' The saleslady responded. 'It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.' He mused on that information for a minute and said 'Hmmm. I know I'm gonna regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?' 'They,' she replied, 'make mountains out of molehills.

Original Added by Honey Rum on 25/08/2005 11:39:50 There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded,so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, 'Children are a gift from God,' he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voicesaid, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers.' And the congregation said, 'Amen.'

Original Added by Honey Rum on 25/08/2005 12:11:15 Walking on Water (Joke) ADD more if you like!! At an interfaith retreat some time ago, the organizers decided to allow for a free afternoon of just socializing. A priest, minister, and a rabbi went fishing together. After awhile, the priest said, 'Brother, Rabbi, would you please both excuse me, I've got to pee.' He laid down his fishing pole, stepped over the side of the boat, and walked across the water to the shore. He finished his business, then walked back across the water to the boat. The minister said, 'Father, I didn't want to be the first to have to go,' stood up, stepped over the side of the boat,and walked right on top of the water to the shore. He also finished his business, zipped up, and walked back on the water right back to the boat. The rabbi was awestruck. Imagine -- WALKING on water! He thought to himself, 'well, if they can do this, so can I!' He excused himself to the priest and minister, put his pole down, stepped over the side of the boat . . . and sunk like a rock. The priest turned to the minister and said, 'You think we should have told him where the rocks were?' Anne :))) ----------------------------------------------------------- Added by Honey Rum on 25/08/2005 12:22:16 Baked Beans Once there lived a man who had a passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they had a lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, 'she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on.' So making the supreme sacrifice, he gave up baked beans. They were married shortly thereafter. Months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and he had to walk home. On the way home, he went into a small cafe and called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. After making the call, he smelled baked beans in the cafe. They were the best beans he had ever smelled! He could not resist and had three large orders of baked beans. All the way home he had gas. His wife seemed excited and somewhat agitated to see him, exclaiming,'darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!' She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the dining room table. He seated himself. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned. Seizing the opportunity of her absence, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and fanned the air about him. Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on. So he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a prize winner. He figured that he must be done. But then he made a third fart. This one made the flowers at the table wilt! Yet somehow his wife didn't hear him. While keeping his ear on the phone conversation in the hall, he again fanned vigorously until he heard the phone farewells, indicating the end of his freedom. He was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked. He assured her that he had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise -- Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party! Hope this did not offend anyone... lol... Anne :))) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Added by Arthur in Essex on 25/08/2005 12:39:40 A guy sees his good friend riding a brand new bike and asks’ hey where did u get that from?' the friend says ' the strangest thing happened - there i was walking along minding my own business, when this young beautiful woman in a bike stopped near me, threw off her clothes and said 'take what u want'. His friend nodded in agreement `good choice- the clothes wouldn’t have fitted you anyway’ ------------------------------------------------------- Added by Arthur in Essex on 25/08/2005 12:42:37 A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in a bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to 'a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds.' Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of 'Wow!' were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, the Jamaican man returned to the bar. The bartender said, 'Say, you’re the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?' The proud father answered, '19 pounds.' The bartender was puzzled. 'Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth.' The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender, and said, 'Had him circumcised.' ----------------------------------------------------------- Added by Arthur in Essex on 25/08/2005 12:46:05 O-k i'll stop after this one Anne:-) A plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman,an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam says 'I’m not as cruel as George Bush says I am You will be given 50 lashes each but you can have whatever you want on your back' The Australian goes first and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives. The Englishman says 'I will take it as it comes I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars' he shouts defiantly'Stiff upper lip you know eh what' His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold. 'Now Jock It’s your turn you have the same choice as the other two what would you like on your back' says Saddam. Jock replies quickly and without hesitation 'I’ll have the Englishman'

Ole married an attractive woman, Lena, half his age. After several months, Lena complained that she had never climaxed during sex; and according to her Grandma, all Norwegian farm women are entitled to a climax once in a while. To resolve the problem, they went to see the large-animal Vet since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Mower County, Minn. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Mother and Dad, Olga and Sven, would fan a cow that was having any difficulty birthing a calf to cool her down and make her struggles easier. The Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to climax. So the couple hired a young man from the big city of Minneapolis named Lars to wave a towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, and still no climax, they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Lena to change partners and let Lars have sex with her while Ole waved the towel. They tried it that night and Lena went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one after the other. When it was over, Ole smugly looked down at Lars and said, 'Ya see, city slicker, now THAT's how ya wave a towel!'

Damned Americans The train was quite crowded, and the U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.' The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!' An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window.' Boom Boom

I know that this thread is a bit of an oldie, but we have many newbies that may find it amusing........ Bob.

Added by ₪₪Teresa Crackers₪₪ on 14/12/2006 17:07:32 A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: 'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen. God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust,and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.' The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: 'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.'

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. 'They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!' he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. 'Never mind,' he said with a hiccup, 'I got in the back seat by mistake.'

A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe's first time ever hunting, so he was following Bob's lead. Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet! After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened. Joe said 'There was this snake and he slittered across my feet, but I never screamed. Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed.' 'So then what did make you scream,' Bob asked, exasperated. 'Well,' Joe continued, 'two squirells crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, 'Should we take them home or eat 'em now?'

One day theres a couple of kids in a psycology class. The teacher stands up and says to the class 'stand up if you think you're stupid!' after about 5 minutes Little Johnny stood up and the teacher says 'do you think you're stupid Johnny?' To which Little Johnny replies 'No miss I just hate to see you standing there all by yourself!!!'

nudge, for Norah!!

Subject: Harley-Davidson The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.' Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.' St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me....' God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?' Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?' God said, ' Ah, yes.' 'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds 3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!! 'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.' God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. 'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours!' Bob

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