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adoption/please be gentle on adoptees *PART TWO*

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Unknown

Unknown Report 24 Mar 2005 14:43

Lorr, babe, I don't know what to say other than I'm so very very sorry. Of course it wasn't anything to do with you, do NOT even start to think that. SHE made the decision to have you adopted, either on her own or with coercion from other family members. The fact that she doesn't wish to have contact is no reflection on you. That's HER loss, she's missing out on finding out what a wonderful woman her daughter has grown in to. I really hope that your adoption file gives you the answers you want, if not I'd write a letter and send it. Say you appreciate that she doesn't want actual contact but you'd like to know the circumstances around your adoption and any family medical history that you NEED to know about. Thinking of you sweetheart Lou xx

Rainey

Rainey Report 24 Mar 2005 14:54

hi lou thank you so much for that, yes it does hurt, quite badly at the moment, i know that my mum and dad were the best parents i could have wished for, and i miss them both terribly if they hadnt adopted me then i wouldnt have the husband i have know who is a kind and gently person and i wouldnt have the 5 most beautiful and caring children that a mother could wish for but i just need to know the reason WHY. i have wondered if i to am a secret i dont know, i have wondered if contact could be made with any of the other children not that i would do that myself i have no wish to cause anyone any upset in their lives. my thoughts and blessings are with you lou and with jess and jules i hope you all get what you wish for with love lorraine xxx

The Bag

The Bag Report 24 Mar 2005 15:20

I've only been away an hour or two- and lookat you all Some good some bad, - both sides of the coin - and all sorts of outcomes - acceptance, part acceptance, rejection, part rejection - can i have a coin with 4 sides? Rejected once when were born is something we have all had to come to terms with, what ever the reason for our adoption - and yet we all set ourselves up for it again - resillient? we need to be foolish?- perhaps determined - oh yes but at the end of it all still human beings with feelings that hurt. ...and no, despite the promise from his wife, my B brother still hasn't rung....deflating fast! jess x who is going to see her Mum and dad for Easter - the real Mum and Dad that love me unconditionally (fortunately!) and the ones that really count

Unknown

Unknown Report 24 Mar 2005 15:44

Jess Have a wonderful weekend away, babe, you certainly deserve it. I'm still not pinning my hopes on anything. I've been promised a further update this evening but we'll wait and see whether it comes. Lou xx

Maxine

Maxine Report 24 Mar 2005 15:45

Hi Lorraine, So sorry to hear that your birth mother wants no contact. The same thing happened to my husband. After writing to her (which took him a long time to write)she wrote back expressing she wanted no contact with him. She did tell him about family ailments but the letter was very short and I just wish she could have said that she was glad that he had lovely adopted parents and a very happy childhood. We suspect that she had never told her husband and children about Tony. Tony knows of at least 2 half siblings. His half brother is actually on this site and that hurts that he can't contact him. Tony has never been bitter towards his birth mother, she was only 16yrs, in the late 1950's you did what your parents told you to do. You never know one day she might change her mind and contact Tony. Never blame yourself, you have done nothing wrong Best Wishes Maxine

Unknown

Unknown Report 24 Mar 2005 16:00

Hi Lorraine, Just back online again. I'm so stunned. I really thought she would agree to talk to you. I know it really hurts at the mo but take time to grieve this part. There may still be hope with other family members yet. Give yourself a little space and time and have a few tears. Just remember one thing. You are the most imporant person and a damned special one at that. You didn't do anything wrong at all I promise. I felt the same way myself as many of us do. It's not your fault you were adopted any more than it is our fault we too were adopted. Some were extremely blessed with our adoptive parents, some like most 'normal' families and the small few got the rest! I was told by a very special lady yesterday that you can not lay blame at your feet for the sins of your fathers. In other words, it was not your fault, you were not an evil child or any other thing that will pop into your head. You were a baby. You were born for a reason. You were born to be a special gift to your adoptive parents who loved you unconditionally all of your life. That is something to be proud of. You have no reason to feel guilt or shame. Focus on the positive when things have settled a little. If you ever need to talk we are all here for you. Off the boards if you prefer. Just know that you are never alone. You have a beautiful family to be proud of who also love you. Take strength and comfort from them. Am thinking of you and sending cyber hugs Jules xx

Unknown

Unknown Report 24 Mar 2005 16:00

The other freaky thing which I forgot to mention before is that my birth mother lives 6 streets away from where I lived for 5 years and judging by when she moved there, we were 'neighbours' for almost 6 months. I could have stood next to her in the train station, at Tesco, anywhere, and not known it was her! Lou

Unknown

Unknown Report 24 Mar 2005 16:13

Tell you what Lou, When you finally see her or a picture I bet you wil recognise her! There is no way you could live that close and not recognise her! Jules xx Jess, Enjoy your few days away. Enjoy your time with your parents. Shall miss you. have a safe journey. love Jules xx

Rainey

Rainey Report 24 Mar 2005 16:48

hi everyone thank you everyone for your kind words and genuine they are as are mine, i did have the most wonderful adoptive parents that anyone could want, they were there thru good times and bad, when i was ill they were there,they gave me a wonderful and happy and fulfilled childhood,they were the BEST. but to know i have siblings that i cant contact is hard. i am still having tears i look at my own children, and feel so much love towards them its unbelievable. I know it may have been hard for her in 1964 but the circumstances were not my fault, i feel i have and deserve to know why i was put up for adoption i dont think that is to much to ask, i think that birth mothers who put their child up for adoption, should put themselves in our shoes a need to know WHY thats all, and be given an honest answer with love lorraine xxx

The Bag

The Bag Report 24 Mar 2005 21:52

lorraine, hopefully your adoption file will be enough to fulfill you need to know why- maybe in your heart of hearts you know why - she was unmarried and times were different back in the sixties. I too yearn to speak to my half brothers ,as you know, and never give up hope, mine were all older, guess yours being younger may not even know you exist. I am told by my B/M that my two half brothers don't know about 'me'- as they were 12 and 14 at the time - and no she didn't go away to have me - then they were either blind or stupid! jess

Unknown

Unknown Report 25 Mar 2005 00:10

Hi Peeps Well I promised you an update this evening if there was anything to tell so here I am. I've just spent an hour on the phone to my birth mum...totally weird! We did the 'Hello' bit and then both burst out laughing, agreeing that we'd mentally prepared 'this moment' in our heads for years but now we didn't have a clue what to say. Anyway, she explained the circumstances around my adoption which were pretty much as I'd been told and confirmed that my half brothers ARE aware of my existance and have wanted to meet me since they were about 11 so she's looking forward to being able to tell them that we've spoken. She told me loads about her children and their lives and about her problems over the past few years since losing her husband quite suddenly and about where she's now living and what she's been doing. She said that she was quite ill a few years ago and at the time close family members wanted to try and find me for her but she wouldn't let them, she didn't say why, maybe a fear that I'D reject HER, I don't know. Anyway, she has a great support system in the lady that initially contacted Joan and she's off on holiday for a couple of weeks on Sunday so I've given BM my phone number and told her she can ring me anytime she likes if she feels she wants to talk. Other than that we're going to arrange to meet on neutral territory for a coffee and a chat once her friend returns from her jollies. I'd been totally calm thr whole way thru the conversation and then when we came to end it and she thanked me for finding her and said that she'd waited 34 years for the chance to explain and to tell me that she never wanted to part with her beautiful baby girl and I just lost the plot! Held it together till we put the phone down then had a cry. But I'm fine now....will see what happens, but I've spoken to her now and that's what I wanted to do. If she never rings me again, I know about my past, I have the medical history I wanted and I have the explanation I so badly needed and I know that she's content in the knowledge that she did the right thing. I had a wonderful life with my adoptive parents and she has nothing to feel guilty about Lou xxxx

Unknown

Unknown Report 25 Mar 2005 01:11

Hi Lou, I'm so happy for you. It is such a treasured moment I'm sure you'll never forget. Every little step is a bonus and how many did you take during the phone call? Your brothers knowing all about you is one step, wanting to meet you for so long is two etc... I'm sure things will be just fine now that you have the hardest part out of the way. As you said if nothing else comes forward you have at least gained the information you set out to achieve. The waiting for the phone to ring is a real killer!! Talk about tearing out your hair! I'm sure I already have a bald spot or two!! Believe it or not I had actually logged off ready to get some kip when I had to just turn everything back on and look again. Take care of yourself. Now go and have a stiff drink and take some time to register it all. Love Jules xx

Joan Allan

Joan Allan Report 25 Mar 2005 02:28

Hello Lou I am sat her in tears reading what you have posted and realised you wanted to contact me but couldn't. I have been chatting to another adoptee that really needed to talk. I cannot believe how you and Dorothy have 'clicked' tonight - being aware of all the circumstances (not many on these boards know what the background is). I am so very pleased I have been instumental in this reunion and I hope and pray that the both of you can go forward together in what you both want in life. Much love Joan

Joan Allan

Joan Allan Report 25 Mar 2005 03:15

Hiya Joan here.Totally mixed up by all and who I am helping. By talking to one adoptee tonight I find I am neglecting another one who wanted to talk to me. I am so sorry not being here for those who want to talk but I am torn myself - I feel I need to be here for anyone who wants to talk (and as everyone knows I talk for England) but at the end of the day they get it off their chest. I am in the middle and totally involved in about 3 'trying for reunions'. Not easy for me keeping up with aka names on this board and with their real names and the first surnames of who they are seeking and their now names. It does get a bit confusing for me but I do try to keep it all together. I think I have brought together 2 of the searches today but had one rejection. It hits me as bad as the searcher because I feel I have failed in my 'duty'. I wish I had a magic wand and could make it all work out wonderfully for everyone but I know not everyone gets the' happy every after' I am sorry to say. I do my best but at times my best isn't good enough. God bless to all searchers and I hope that all their dreams and wishes come true. Much love to everyone Joan

The Bag

The Bag Report 25 Mar 2005 07:54

Lou sent me a message last night and kept me updated as to what was going on 'as it happened' almost - so Joan, she certainly wasn't alone - Lou has entrusted me' off thread' with info and run thoughts past me - and last night i was nearly as excited as her. Lou So glad it has turned out the way it has for you- totally respect your strength and ability to take things at face value. From hopeless, 3 days ago th ethe place you are now....... amazing! Are you a puffed up balloon at the moment? Stay that way and try not to worry - if the meeting happens it happens and if not, well. you have still achieved so much. away for easter, as you know,so take care all of you Jess

Rainey

Rainey Report 25 Mar 2005 08:25

hi lou i am so VERY VERY pleased for you that things are going so well for you, who knows maybe things for me will take a turn for the better (this could be wishful thinking on my part) i am genuinley pleased for you, and my thoughts are with you. joan is a wonderful lady and she cares so very deeply for everyone she helps, mine hasnt worked out for me, but who knows maybe my birth mum will have a change of heart. joan you have never failed in your duty, and you never let anyone down a magic wand would be great maybe later eh. thank you for being the wonderful person you are with love lorraine xxx

Still Searching !!!

Still Searching !!! Report 25 Mar 2005 09:31

Hello Everyone Well ive decided to add my big pennys worth lol. I have sat everyday reading each and every message posted and following your searches. I often get very moved and choked up... I wish you all hope and success with your searches. Me im not even an adoptee but my husband is, and when we started his search it was me who did it for him. I took on all the emotion, stress and sleepless nights for him typical !!! The ride was massive like a rollercoaster up and down all the time. Unfortunately for us his b/mum has died young from a brain heamorage and his father was spanish so we have no hope of getting intouch. But out of it he found 2 lovely sisters. The people who kept me going where joan allan and debbie, if it wasnt for them even i would of quit, so joan you never fail!! you are a human with more emotion that most. Even after all theese years we never forget you and still often look at the pics we took of you when you came to our home town. Friends come and go but precious people always stay in the heart where you will always remain in ours. Im now going through all the grief again with my sister in law helping her to solve her adopted family. I send all my love to you all and hope you all find peace and happiness one day. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Unknown

Unknown Report 25 Mar 2005 09:59

Good morning all! Well, I've now had time to digest everything that happened last night and when hubbie crawled in at 5.15am (he manages a bar, I'd have killed him if he'd been out on the p**s till that time!), all his hopes of just crawling into bed went out the window cos I insisted on giving him a detailed account (probably repeated at least 3 times!) of everything that was said! What amazed me during the phone call is how blatantly HONEST BM was about everything...my adoption, her problems etc. I'd always wondered if the time came that we did speak, would I be able to believe anything that she said anyway but she didn't attempt to make excuses. She said that she had already had one child out of wedlock, parents deeply p****d off but she WAS engaged at the time and fiance buggered off so they agreed to help her raise the baby. When I came along, they insisted that I had to be adopted. She said that she dug her heels in at first and said no but then she had to be realistic. Where would she have gone with a toddler and a newborn baby with no money and no support? At least by giving me up for adoption, she knew that I was getting a better start than she could give me at that time and it secured her son's future as that enabled them to remain with her mother. She got married the year after I was born and she said she did consider trying to get me back but knew that would not be fair. I would have been settled with my family and then she discovered she was pregnant with her youngest child so decided it would be better just to sign the final papers and draw a line underneath it. The other thing she said was that for years people have said to her 'One day, Tina WILL come looking for you' but she said she never dared to hope that would happen. As I said on the earlier posting, she has had a lot of problems over recent years (my youngest half brother has caused her no end of grief and as a result she had a breakdown) so I'm going to call her friend later this morning just to make sure that BM is ok after the phone call last night and that it hasn't freaked her out at all. And we shall take each day as it comes. I('m not one for 'waiting for the phone to ring' anyway and we have each other's mobile numbers so we can just text to say HI if we don't actually feel like talking but just want to make that connection. So thanks to Joan for everything and thank you also to Jess and Liz, both of whom have held my hand over the last few weeks/months, and to Marjorie who has been my impartial sounding board and who was in tears last night when I messaged her to say that we had spoken. Love ya all! Lou xx

Smiley

Smiley Report 25 Mar 2005 10:26

Another one here with tears in my eyes...... Thanks for sharing all this Lou & everyone one else. My friend Shirley posted her letter yesterday, to her (hopefully...) birth sister. I popped in to see her, she wanted my opinion on the letter, I altered a couple of rather loooooong sentences LOL! She was never one for full-stops! Apart from that though I thought that it needed to be her words, just as she talks, so I kept my opinions to myself. It's half a page of A4, she didn't want to say too much in case the sister doesn't want contact. I know my friend is pinning a heck of a lot on this letter. She's been looking for 2 elder birth sisters, very quietly, for over 20yrs. This letter could potentially open lots of doors for her, and I've got everything crossed :) Birth parents, if still alive would be late 70's/80's so Shirley has concentrated on the sisters she's always known she had. It was an unusual letter to write, as birth siblings wouldn't necessarily know of an adoptees exsistance, but in the very early years of Shirleys life her BM visited twice, both times with the elder sibling (the one she's written to) but was she actually told Shirley was her sister? We'll soon find out! Lots of love & thanks to Joan.... as ever. We need to clone her, hark at her up there apologising for not being in 2 places at once...Bless her! You do a wonderful job Joan, and we are really looking forward to meeting you.

Rainey

Rainey Report 25 Mar 2005 12:05

hello everyone yes its me again, so pleased to see that everything is going well for all of you, i shall pop in from time to time, but i cant express how i feel at the moment, i know it is a hard decision for birth mothers to give their child for adoption, some dont want to and try to fight the family decision, some just have to go with what the family wants them to do. I have to be honest, i do feel totaly rejected and i am sorry to keep on about it but i have to let it out somewhere, my hubby was totaly gutted for me, even he had tears bless him. i know i am not the only adoptee to have been rejected in the world, but that is how it feels at the moment, its like when you split up from your very first boyfriend isnt it, you think the whole world has stopped. I did have it in the back of my mind that she may not want to know, and i kept saying this could happen lorraine, but wow when it does its a real shock. I shall now wait to see what my file says and go from there, you never know someone else in the family might want to know about me, as joan has said to me it is possible that i have never been mentioned and they dont know about me. sorry to be rambling on a bit, hope you all dont mind if i keep looking in to see how you are all doing and if anyone needs to talk please feel free to email me and i will be there for everyone who needs support, yes i am still hurting but in time it will get better i hope. with love to you all lorraine xxx