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adoption/hints and hugs from other adoptees*Chapte

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

The Bag

The Bag Report 3 Jun 2005 15:37

Pat, you are a w onderful person, and don't you ever lose sight of that - sorry just what i feel reading your posting. Sheila will be the best one for this job. hang on there ''.......SHEILA..!!.'' That should see her come running jess x

Sheila

Sheila Report 3 Jun 2005 15:53

Hi Jess, You called :O)) I will e-mail Pat and see if I can help at all. Speak soon. Sheila

Rainey

Rainey Report 3 Jun 2005 21:22

hi everyone i have been ofline for quite a while that is why i couldnt tell all you kind people how my counselling went so here goes. i have a very nice lady called marion and my meeting was in wimborne just 10mins away for me. i already knew my birth name and my birthmums name the one thing i wasnt 100% on was the definate surname of my birthfather the surname card had been found and hey guess what the surname card came up, the lovely joan allen had done a lot of reasearch for me and she thought that a mr card could possibly be my father and she is obviously right i have done some reasearch on my own and have discovered that i have a full brother on friends reunited and there are three other full siblings as well i havent actually seen my birth file yet but all the paperwork has been filled in so now its just waiting to view my file, i am so tempted to send the gentleman on friends an email but as most of you already know my birthmum does not wish to be reunited with me but i am hoping that a sibling would like to know. i think the other lady on here who is from dorset is it angela please feel free to email me, and anyone elase please feel free to answer with any advice that i may well need i have missed you all and i am glad i am back now with no more pc problems with love lorraine xxxxxxxxx

Lorna

Lorna Report 4 Jun 2005 14:02

Hello I've only been on here a short while and already have received 3 very supportive emails thank you very much. My minds in a bit of turmoil at the moment but reading some of the posts on here top most at the moment is i suppose what have i got to lose Its not right tho is it that what you've never had you never miss. I could never have searched for my BM while my adoptive parents were alive it would have hurt them too much cos i was theirs and we loved each other a lot. I dont think I want to meet my Bm after all one rejection is enough dont u think so i think I am gonna go ahead and see what i can find out will keep coming on here its like a nice little community isnt it thanx once again Lorna X

The Bag

The Bag Report 4 Jun 2005 21:35

Hi there and welcome., especially to Lorna. yes we are a bit of a community and one thing we do well is 'discuss'- which helps people (not just adoptees i hope ) to see things from all sides. I think, although others may disagree, that it is a bit judgemental to say birth parents show no remorse, especially of a birth parent that you have never met. I guess in most cases we were given away for a better life than could have been provided for us than by our birth parents. I certainly was! To say I wish I hadn't been given for adoption isn't true - to to wish that my birth mother was sorry she gave me up...NO! Just what i feel Jess x

Dizzy

Dizzy Report 5 Jun 2005 02:49

Just thought I would say that I did it.... I told my mum that I had been searching and had found my B Uncle. I led into it by commenting on some links I had found with my family tree and then said I had been also found my other family tree. She took it so calmly that I thought she had misunderstood at first!!!! Guess I haven't been that 'successful' in hiding what was going on for me!! Again - I wish good luck to everyone else with the adoption triad route. Its not easy but then I guess that 'easy' wasn't promised at the time of adoption. Liz

moe

moe Report 5 Jun 2005 07:55

Hi everyone can i just say that when you feel that searching for your birth family is not worth it after all, remember that it is not just for yourself that you cannot give up but for the next generation. My mother was adopted in 1926 by her birth father and his wife. her birth mother popped up now and again through my childhood but we knew her as 'auntie lily' after my mother died in 1974 i saw 'auntie Lily a few times passing on the street, but as a 13 yr old i was not interested in talking about family history and the rumour that she was really my nan. I really regret that now and i am determined to find out as much as i can about her, my mum had no time for her because she adored her step-mother even naming my sister for her,As i dig deeper my sister is getting more annoyed so i don't tell her much now, but i feel that i have a right to know as i am not a child anymore,I have a feeling that my birth grandmother had more children because by the time my mother was adopted she had married aged 20yrs so maybe i have aunts/uncles out there, as my mother was brought up as an only child.Don't give up for your childrens sake even if the news is bad at least its something. best wishes to you all MOE!

Unknown

Unknown Report 5 Jun 2005 08:43

Hi everyone, Just to stick my two penny worth in, we all have our own opinions and demons to deal with. We've all had different experiences with our adoptive families. But one of the things we shame is the fact we were adopted. Not by our choice. The reasons for this are as varied as we are. Some were pushed into by their parents and some by society. Some for purely selfish reasons. Each parent, in my opinion deserves a chance to explain that very reason even if that reason was a selfish one. Not everyone would agree with my opinion but that's fine. To be able to move on with your life you need to know the circumstances surrounding your adoption. For me nothing could have been worse than blaming myself as a child for being bad and thinking that's why I was adopted. My adoptive parents didn't help alieviate my fears possibly thinking that this would dissuade me from searching when I was old enough! Who knows. I'm now 31 with a family of my own and finally needed to know all about my birth family good or bad. I had reached a stage in my life that depended on knowing everything once and for all. Even if it all went horribly wrong. In my mind, what's the worst thing that happen to me? Nothing. I had nothing to lose. I couldn't lose what I never had. What could I gain? If nothing else, information. My Mum's name. In my mind anything was better was nothing. Was I wrong to think this way? I don't know. Maybe it was a coping mechanism. Throughout my search I remained realistic but hopeful. Everytime I had a lead I was so nervous I felt sick. On the other hand even when I had a 100% positive lead on a rellie I tried to tell myself that it can't be them. They won't want to know me or they may not even know about me. Boy was I wrong !! The first person I tried to contact on here was Mum's youngest brother, my Uncle Stephen. He was the key to the family tree. But I didn't get a reply. I started to get panicked that they didn't want to know. We found an ex wife of another brother on this site and contacted her. She asked me to ring her and the rest is history. Although Mum and Dad are no longer here I have found peace within myself and on top of that two wonderful families to call my own. I have found many friends in the process and most are on here. My Uncle Stephen changed his email address so often he forgot to update it on here, as he hadn't used the site in a while. He has since sorted it out and cried when he read my message. There are things you may find are slightly different to what you have been told or what is in your adoption file especially if you were adopted before the law changed in late '75. I found a couple of things. Nothing major but there nevertheless. There is one question I have that will never be answered in this life. I'm pretty sure I know the answer but I'm not going to dwell on it. I have my family to concentrate on now and helping others in the same situation. Whether they be adoptees, adopters or birth parents and their rellies. Sorry to have waffled on so much. Wishing all the best to everyone Jules xx

Sheila

Sheila Report 6 Jun 2005 00:56

Hi Everyone! Just nudging up for a newcomer. Hope your all Well Sheila

Morley

Morley Report 6 Jun 2005 11:46

Hi I wonder if I can ask for some advice, I have been reading this thread for some time now and I would like some advice on the right/wrong way to go about contacting my BM. I have tried NORCAP and they are holding my paper work until I can provide futher evidence! I sent her birth cert. her marriage cert. my original birth cert. court order for adoption plus much more! I know her to be living at the address I gave them! Just to add another spanner in the works I believe her to be 'mentally frail' and have contacted her social worker through her community of mental health dept. As you can imagine this took many e-mails and phone calls and having to briefly explain who I was and why I wanted to contact this lady and the person who I eventually found said he would think about this situation and said 'he hadn't said that she was a client of his anyway' and would ring me back last Friday well he hasn't. I want to do this the right way if she is very frail then I believe I will only get one chance for her to want contact or not! sorry to have gone on a bit hope this makes sense any advice very welcome Thanks, Ann

Sue

Sue Report 6 Jun 2005 14:49

hi everyone, i got my adoption file this morning,my social worker is so nice. I am just a bit confused at the moment as it has my birth fathers name in it and it is totaly different to the one my birth mother gave me,so I am sitting here confused!!!!!!!!!! It is amazing how 28 pieces of paper can make you feel! it contains lots of information some i already had and some i didn't, Will probably spend the next couple of days just looking at it I think!!!! love Sue

Bacardi

Bacardi Report 6 Jun 2005 14:59

hi sue good luck with reading your file i had mine 2yrs ago and still read through it every now and again,some of the stuff in mine i knew and a lot i never best wishes angie x

moe

moe Report 6 Jun 2005 20:20

Penelope, you'r best having a look at Smiley sams thread her brother-in-law is having the same type of problem and there is lots of advice, some that may help you. personally i would phone this nasty mans manager, or threaten to get a solicitor on to him. MOE! Jess might know a bit more.. wheres jess? JESS............

The Bag

The Bag Report 6 Jun 2005 20:26

Hi ann, and anyone else taking a peek! not sure what you mean by Norcap are holding onto your paperwork until you can provide more evidence- evidence of what, for heavens sake? Have you been in touch with your local social services?They should be the people that access your file with you. Don't think anyone has the right to withhold the info, whatever your birth mothers mental state - Accessing the info is your right, the decision as to if to contact her might need some guidance from profesionals- such as Norcap- But surley they cannot deny you access to the info. Grab the wotsit by the thinggies and ring that chap back! jess x

Unknown

Unknown Report 6 Jun 2005 20:59

Hi everyone, Sue, Glad you have your file now. Take some time to let all the info sink in. As for your b/f. Double check with your b/m when you're ready, who she says is your b/f. It may be a clerical error if you were adopted before late 1975. Unfortunately, some records were not very precise back then as reunion wasn't going to be possible. Penelope, My personal opinion of Norcap isn't very good. However I know they have helped some people. I would recommend that you get in contact with the adoption agency that dealt with your adoption. If you can't visit them, I'm sure they would be able to put you in touch with an adoption worker closer to home. Wishing you both good luck Jules x

Morley

Morley Report 6 Jun 2005 21:58

Hi All, I have had my file now for a few years and not sure the lady who gave/read it with me is still about. I was advised to join Norcap at the time to register my name to be found! I have paid (voluntary contribution) for an intermediary to make contact with BM but had short e-mail for them to say need more evidence that she is who I say she is, as there are over 70 people with her name living in uk! This lady has not moved far from her family home and is now in sheltered accomodation The reason I know quite a lot is that I have made contact with a lady who used to know her about 30 years ago and she has told me about bm mental illness. I just want to do the right thing for her I don't want to upset her to much but I want to know her. I'm a bit fed up with the whole thing now I'd love just to go and knock on her door but i'm too scared of it all going wrong. Thanks Jess I will ring the man tom. He was a bit short with me and I have been reading the BIL's thread with interest and sympathy!

The Bag

The Bag Report 7 Jun 2005 10:49

friends. With GR's promise to delete anything that isn't a 'tip' on the tips board I have changed the title of this thread. I most sincerely hope that GR do not find it to be misplaced. I am not sure where it would be better placed, the general board moves far too quickly.... Well, just keep your fingers crossed that we stay, Adoptees are good at ''crossing things and hoping'' so maybe we'll be okay Love Jess x

Sheila

Sheila Report 7 Jun 2005 11:40

HI Jess, Thought the title was different. I did wonder the same thing so I copied the last page in case we have to move to the General Board, problem as you say is that it moves so fast if anyone has a query it ay be over looked :O( Sheila (who has her fingers crossed also)

Unknown

Unknown Report 7 Jun 2005 15:58

No way can we move to General. I can well imagine the kind of welcome we'd get on there with this thread. There are too many who utilise that board who have an opinion on anything and everything or if they don't, they'll create one, usually to spark a row or antagonise. The person who sent me those delicious emails before Christmas voicing their opinion of adoption is still on there day in day out and I've no wish to interact with them again. This thread is about assisting adoptees, not just practical tips but with emotional support as well It's a vital, much needed resource and the s*** will hit the fan if they dare to delete it or move us Just my humble opinion. I shall go and do what they pay me for now.....put the kettle on! lol Lou xx

The Bag

The Bag Report 7 Jun 2005 18:20

Please do not add antagonisitic comments- thats is the sure fire way to get us deleted! As it is my name at the top of the thread it is me they will hold responsible! jess