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adoption/hints and hugs from other adoptees*Chapte

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Morley

Morley Report 8 Jun 2005 19:29

Oh my goodness I am really sorry I hope I have not upset anyone by my excitement, maybe I was a bit over the top but I have been searching for so long and had got at times very despondant myself. Please don't leave I have been reading this thread for months and the advice that people have been given with warmth, kindness and empathy cannot ever be valued enough! This subject for some people is very difficult to talk openly about and very emotional and as Jess says GR have recognised its worth.

Bacardi

Bacardi Report 8 Jun 2005 21:39

hello every one thank you all for been so kind thats amazing getting a birth day card of your mum what an amazing feeling that must be just wanted to say yes it is difficult for me sometimes but we all get like that now and again all i ever wanted was for my birth parents to say they wanted me and they loved me feeling bit emotional now,have never coped with rejection very well,so excuse me for been a bit tearfull i do love this thread,cus it has so many happy stories and im so pleased for all of you who have been reunited with your parents i have first hand experience of been reunited within a couple of months i found my three brothers that was 2yrs ago and the feelings i felt for all my brothers well i just cant explaine it was the best day of my life and i will never forget it lots of love angie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Unknown

Unknown Report 9 Jun 2005 11:19

Thanks all! I'm not sure how to approach it, think I'll have to be blunt and point out that she was a wee bit early but am pleased that she even bothered to send a card. Sometimes I do wonder whether she's got a bit of a memory problem. When we were talking the other night, she made a comment about the older half brother's wife being 14 years younger than him cos she's only 26. There's actually less than 18 months between all of us which makes W 37 this year, not 40. Hope she doesn't plan a huge surprise for him 3yrs early! Anyway, onto other things....Maddie has decided to try and contact her dad but he's moved from the last known addie the family had for him. She doesn't really want to start getting the Salvation Army or Norcap or anyone involved in case once she has an address for him, she changes her mind or wants to 'sit' on it for a while. She's in San Francisco so has limited access to information and I'm pretty clueless. I tried that 192 site last night but it seems to have changed and you have to pay a fortune to view anything now. Any ideas, girls?????

Sheila

Sheila Report 9 Jun 2005 12:46

Hi Anglea and Cat, Glad to see that you have stayed on here Angela, I a sorry that you were rejected by your birth parents unfortunatly thats a situation we all possibly face when we start our searches, try to concentrate on the posative though, the birth family that you have made a relationship with :O) Cat looks like your bith mother may be a bit scatty, give her the benefit of the doubt, if you do say something try to make light of it, and hopefully she will get the hint. With regards to Maddie I have both the 2003 and 2004 info disks let me know if you want to do a look up for her and see what I can find just send the details to me direct. Hope everyone else is keeping well! Sheila

Slinky

Slinky Report 9 Jun 2005 13:20

Some time ago, I related on a thread that I had contacted Social Services in the area I was adopted and requested my files to be sent to me. After a meeting with a local social worker, helping me where I live now with the file request, I can now tell you that I have succeeded in getting them. They do not tell me much more than I knew already, having been adopted at the age of 8, but there is some detail that surprised me. For instance... my mother died when I was 3 and my brother 4 days old, and I was always told that my father could not wait to sign the adoption papers... this was I think to try to get me to alienate myself completely from my birth family..( I tried even at that age to keep in contact because I knew where we had lived and knew where most of the birth family were.) In the file it stated that my birth father refused to sign the adoption papers, and insisted that we had only been taken away to give him respite for a couple of months... my adoptive parents 'new' people in authority, and it was taken before a court, who gave permission for the adoption to go ahead despite his refusal to sign. My birth father died with me always thinking that he could not wait to get rid of us, and feel so sad that these things happened for no good reason that I can detect from the file... even the SW on the case at the time, wrote ' This is not the right family for Anne to be with, I suggest rethinking your decision to have her placed with Mr&Mrs ?? and let her live with her fathers brother and his wife, as they have taken care of her in a previous situation . She is not treated like one of the family, even though this couple have asked to adopt her. They are also willing to take ? ( brother) so that they will not be split up, and when Mr. ? has sorted out his problems, they can return to the family home.' Things are not always black & white till you see it written down!! Anne :)))

The Bag

The Bag Report 9 Jun 2005 13:32

Angela- you are so right .We do 'all get like that' what ever 'that' is - and that can everything from raving bonkers happy.... to the depths of dispair. That is why we are good for each other- we , and only we, know what it is really like. Glad you've decided to stick with us. Honey Rum Funny is'nt it that someone will go out of their way to make the effort to tell you something ('for your own good ' presumably,) only for later for you to find out that it wasn't the truth! Why make that effort? perhaps thats why i take most things I am told as 'fact' with a pinch of salt and am generally synical about life. Jess x

Dizzy

Dizzy Report 9 Jun 2005 14:04

Dear Honey Rum, Your file must have been a really difficult read for you - I really felt for you as I was reading your message. It just shows that what a person can believe to be the universal truth (because a 'grown up' told em so) can be turned on its head. Are you still in touch with any of your family? best wishes Liz

Bacardi

Bacardi Report 9 Jun 2005 18:05

hi every one im glad 2 that i have stuck to this thread,there are realy some lovely people out there,who know how i feel thank you my real parents also refused to sign the adoption papers,and i only found that out,because i got my file,still dont understand why. all didnt turn out well with my brothers even though it was great to meet them and i will never forget them.after recieving my files iv not heard from my little brother since and we did have good relationship,iv sent letters and tryed to keep in touch but when you get no reply you just give up i cant make some one want to be in my life my middle brother also fell out with me because iv done the family tree on my birth fathers side and 2 aunties contacted me,he said that he dosnt see these aunties as his family and they were never there for him when he was growing up.felt very guilty about been in contact with my aunties as i felt i had betrayed my brother,but im still in touch with my aunties and not heard from my brother for 2 months my older brother is very understanding and passed on all the pics of my ancesters to him and lots of history of our family he was over the moon, so it has been a very big roller coaster of feelings for me lots of love to every one angie xx

Unknown

Unknown Report 10 Jun 2005 08:29

Morning peeps Just to let you know that Maddie now has a possible addie and phone number for her Dad. I rang her with it late last night our time and she was totally overwhelmed that a likely has been found so soon. I don't know yet how she plans to approach this one but I'm sure she'll keep you posted. I've 'done my bit' now and am trying to stay out of it. Much as I love her, this is something she has to do herself Lou

Slinky

Slinky Report 10 Jun 2005 08:35

Hi Dizzy Lizzy... Yes I have been in touch with a couple of the birth siblings, but they do not really enthuse with the idea of keeping in touch, they 'discarded' me all over again some months ago, so that is when I decided to do my tree in ernest. One B sister gives the reason as..' let sleeping dogs lie'... her words !! * sad smile*Their loss, not mine!! I also try to keep in touch with adoptive sister, but it's getting harder to talk lately, for different reasons... also uncovering some secrets could be harming our relationship. Like I try to tell whoever... we cannot be blamed for our ancestors lies and deceit, so lets just get on with it... I have, and thoroughly enjoying it, life that is!! lol Anne :)))

Dizzy

Dizzy Report 10 Jun 2005 12:33

opinions please - I am torn between doing a scouting mission (to Scotland so it will set me back a few quid!) and to just writing a letter to B Uncle. Not sure what results a scouting mission can bring - I can sit outside one definite address, and one possible address - but then what?? I am 99.9% decided that I won't knock on the door, so it is just going to be sitting and watching the comings and goings. (always the risk that they are on holiday etc.) Plus how long can you sit in a Close and not rouse suspicion...? But then I get to see what vibes I can pick up, and if I can get to know anything about the family. If I do a scouting mission, it will be in about 3 weeks time. Thoughts of a letter - what do I write??!! How do I sum up 31 years etc. I have done a draft, and hmm... Its easy to write about how I found his address but then I get stuck. Will obviously be far cheaper in terms of a First Class stamp vs air fare, hotel, car rental etc. If I write a letter - do I go third party? I am likely to use another address for any contact (though I don't know why!) and then do I also put a phone number / email address. As you can probably tell, I am in a quandry!! Opinions and thoughts gratefully received!! What did you fellow adoptees do? If you are a birth relative, what would you want to happen or how did it feel when it happened? Liz

The Bag

The Bag Report 10 Jun 2005 12:45

Dizzy. Does he know you were born ? if he does, i guess he will not be that surprised when you pop up out of the woodwork. Until you are sure you have the right person, no point in going up there- write an open sort of- I am researching a family tree and believe you to be the brother of John X - dont use 'my birth father' because that might send him running. I suppose it depends on how fragmented the family is - he may have had 10 other letters from neices and nephews from all over the place or none if the family is still quite close. Ask if there is anything he can tell you that will calrify he is the brother of John X , and of course, enclude an SAE. personally i wouldn't use an address other than my own (unless you have very good reason for doing so) You want him to be open and honest with you, so why hide? jess x

Dizzy

Dizzy Report 10 Jun 2005 13:36

It is so true that this thread is a place to think aloud!! Thanks for reply Jess. As I was typing, and then re-read it, I realised that I have actually already made my mind up. First class stamp it is!!! Thanks for the tip on the SAE - I would have not thought of that and then spent hours agonising over whether I wrote my address clearly enough on the letter for him to then mistranscribe etc. (just like the enumerators!!) My first draft would have sent him to the hills so I will take your advice on brief and simple. Now just to find some decent writing paper!! Oh, and re-write my draft a few more times, have a few more coffees, and buy a new packet of cigarettes, whilst chewing my fingers to the tips!! Liz

Sheila

Sheila Report 10 Jun 2005 17:03

Hi Liz, Glad to see that you are going with the letter now, because if you actually sit outside someone's house for more than an hour or two think people refer to this as stalking ;O) seriously try not to gt wound up about the letter have a good bottle of wine and write 10 or 20 different versions of the same thing and you have an idea of what the rest of us did :O) Look if he knows about you, either just clarify as Jess said he is the right person, or go for it and say you believe him to be your uncle and could he give you some family history, the first one might be the easier option. Good Luck! try and leave your nails alone whilst you are waiting for a reply! Angela and Honey, Your birth family are like your own family no-one can tell you it will be all plain sailing, you may find you do fall out, but thats a part of accepting each other warts and all! Glad to see you have stayed on Angela. Honey I am really sorry for the way your adoption was handled guess its a typical example of people doing what they think is right, but ultimatley is wrong for the people concerned, the only consilation you can have is at least by reading them it has dispelled your fears that your father did not want you, and put that question to rest in your mind. Cat, Wish Maddie well if she decides to contact her father. Emma Why dont you approach the society who arranged the adoption ask if you can leave a letter with their file telling them you would welcome contact later on if they so wish. Hope everyone else is well catch up with your all soon. Sheila

Morley

Morley Report 10 Jun 2005 19:53

Dear Liz I have tried sitting outside in car, it did not help me just made me feel very sad and uncomfortable as passers by seemed suspicious! went back several hours later sat again knew I'd never be brave enough to knock the door. I wouldn't do it again felt sad for days after and solved nothing! A letter and a SAE as Jess said is proberly the best way forward. My thoughts and best wishes are with you whatever you decide.

Rainey

Rainey Report 10 Jun 2005 20:14

hello everyone well i have taken the bull by the horns so to speak, and i have emailed my birth brother as i know he is on friends reunited side. i am still waiting to view my adoption file hopefully it wont be to long now as i have had my prelimenary meeting. but curiosity got the better of me and also the need to know about my birth family. i did express in my email that i have no wish to upset any family members. so i am now waiting in anticipation and will keep you all informed of any developments regards lorraine

Bacardi

Bacardi Report 10 Jun 2005 21:27

hi emma thank you for knowing how i feel,its so hard to move on when you get so involved in some ones life and then your just dropped like you never ment anything at all,think thats the hardest bit all these years me and my sister wondered were our brothers were and the same with them and now after only 2yrs we have driffted apart its so sad lorraine good luck with your birth mum hope you get good result thinking of you jess thank you for your kind words,sometimes think i live in the past to much it can eat you up sometimes but its nice to have a place to talk thank you hello to every one else,lots of interesting points on here today hope you all have good happy results bless you all love angie xxxxxxxxxx

Lorna

Lorna Report 11 Jun 2005 15:06

Hi everyone i was devastated last week when I read this might be taken from here hey i just found u all after a couple of lovely messages last week from some lovely people i have just received my form to start my search 10-12 weeks wait now streuth and from the booklet that was with it it doesn't seem likely i will have a file to read but we will see. Some of u seem to be giong thru a bad time at the mo but there is a lot of love and support on here My heart goes out to u all not a lot of help i know but a lot of support on offer Take care lorna

Dizzy

Dizzy Report 12 Jun 2005 16:06

Do you think that she may know of his existence? Or does he have any idea how his birth father might react to a contact? Either way, that sounds really difficult, so good luck. Liz

Sue (Sylvia Z )

Sue (Sylvia Z ) Report 12 Jun 2005 17:27

Hi Maxine, What a dilemma for your husband. Could you find the address from the Electoral Roll and write a letter to him, keeping to basic facts, giving enough clues without actually saying what the relationship is, so that if someone else gets hold of the letter then this man won't be under pressure to say who is writing, etc. That's a bit long-winded, I've just realised!! You could write ' do you remember ( your husband's first name) from such a town/ place in whatever year ( birth year). It would be nice to get in touch again, etc.' It might be better to type the letter/ envelope and enclose an SAE Good luck, Sue