General Chat

One word or two????


An elderly couple, who were both on their own, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - "Is that one word or two?"

5 Minutes Management Course

Lesson 1 :

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2 :

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'




'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'




'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.




Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!




THUS ENDS 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.



Send this to at least, five bright people who have enough sense of humor to take it!

I went to buy some chocolate the other day.

I said to the shop assistant " Have you got any Twix?"

"Yeth" she said - "I can produce a wabbit from a hat"

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from Perth fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from Melbourne reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Tasmanian started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Tasweigan replied, 'These are Carols.'

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner said I think I have just the thing for you. I have a parrot, his name is Chet, and he can sing Christmas Carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." He then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet sang " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet the Parrot under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" No the man replied but he can sing, let me show you.
So the young man lit a match under Chet's left foot and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the match to Chet's right foot, and Chet sang"Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, thought this was great, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man said I don't know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife.
So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and then sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a
coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

B & Q JOB APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells

They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING LAST POSITION: It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?: 7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely

=

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds. You'll love it :





Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other peoples.'

A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.


A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,
"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say “congratulations?”
But none of them rub your dick and say “good job”!

The Fairy and the Immigrant.

My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes,
since you’ve just arrived in England with your wife and seven children.'

The man told the fairy, 'Well, in Pakistan where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes to go'.

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Birmingham With eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.'

PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a
three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a
sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.

'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

'I want to be English with English clothes instead of rags, and shawl and I want to have white skin like the English.'

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from ASDA, a dirty Primark T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap. He had his bad teeth
back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?
Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'

The fairy said, 'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to
sweet F*** all like the rest of us”.

Then she disappeared ..........

THE HYPNOTIST

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .. ." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the the chain broke, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre.
Claude was never invited back to entertain.



**

**

*Best Clean Joke for years!*





*Getting Married *

**

*Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get
married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they
pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.*

**

*Jack addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"*

**

*The pharmacist answers, "Yes."*

**

*Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"*

**

*Pharmacist: "Of course we do."*

**

*Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"*

**

*Pharmacist: "All kinds "*

**

*Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"*

**

*Pharmacist: "Definitely."*

**

*Jack: "How about suppositories?"*

**

*Pharmacist: "You bet!"*

**

*Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"*

**

*Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works.."*

**

*Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's
disease?"*

**

*Pharmacist: "Absolutely."*

**

*Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"*

**

*Pharmacist: "We sure do..."*

**

*Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"*

**

*Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."*

**

*Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"*

**

*Pharmacist: "Sure."*

**

*Jack: "Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."*

**
*

Prime Minister David Cameron has announced he intends to make it

more difficult to claim State Benefits.

From next week the forms will only be printed in English

THE IRISH BROTHEL



Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,

watching the front door of the brothel over the road.

The local Methodist vicar appears, and quickly goes inside.

"Will you look at that", says the first Irishman,

"and didn't I always say what a bunch of lying hypocrites they are".

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi also goes
inside.

"There's another bunch who try to fool everyone

with their pious preaching and funny little hats",

say the second Irishman.

They continue drinking their beer and

roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi

when they see their Catholic Priest knock on the door and go
inside.

"Oh, how sad!", says the third Irishman,

"One of the girls must have died!"

Subject: Use Big People Words!!



A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become
accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they
faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said.

"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

I love this.....

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,



"Winnie the SHIT."

Cleaning Poem

I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess
He asked if I'd been 'computing',
And I had to answer 'yes.'

He told me to get off my butt,
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my good work.

I didn't mean to 'click.'

But click, I did, and oops - I found
A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into it -
I was into it all night.

So nothing's changed except my mouse.
It's as shiny as the sun.
I guess my house will stay a mess......
While I sit here on my bum.

Larry

Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father
moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs
and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have
to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.'
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

Hooker's Union

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No,'"she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blond.


"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

Funnies!!!

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"

"You shall know tonight", he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it. She found a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".

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The quip about warning signs re. unattended children reminded me of my No.2 daughter's sense of humour. Some years ago she was manager of a wine shop.She had a couch and some chairs in the middle of the shop where people could sit and taste. She found she had to put up a discrete little sign saying "At great expense we have trained our furniture not to jump on your children". The behaviour of children (or should that be parents?) improved markedly after that!

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Even with a thousand games, dolls and crafts to choose from, my customer at the toy store still couldn't find a thing for her grandson.

"Maybe a video or something educational?" I asked.

"No, that's not it," she said.

We wandered the aisles until something caught her eye: a laser gun with flashing lights and 15 different high-pitched sounds.

"This is perfect," she said, beaming. "My daughter-in-law will hate it."

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From Elizabeth

I have to tell you this one! At work one day I came across a customer who used to live at Ploding Place in Sydney. Quick as a flash my colleague said he's ex-ploding place!

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My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"
I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM

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I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might
think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the
name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple
of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark

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En route to Hawaii, I noticed one of my passengers in the coach section of the airplane dialing her cell phone.
"Excuse me. That can't be on during the flight," I reminded her. "Besides, we're over the ocean-you won't get a signal out here."

"That's okay," she said. "I'm just calling my daughter. She's sitting up in
first class."

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A farmer wanted to breed from his old sow, so put her in his wheelbarrow to take her around to his neighbour who had a boar. They let them run together for a while and then he loaded her up to take her home. "How will I Know if it has worked", the farmer said to the neighbour. "When you wake up in the morning, look out of the bedroom window, if she's rolling in the grass you know it has worked, but if she is wallowing in the mud you know it hasn't."

So the next morning the farmer jumped out of bed and looked out the window,but was disappointed to see the pig wallowing in the mud. So he loaded her up in the wheelbarrow again and took her around to his neighbour's and let her run with his neighbour's boar for a second time. Next morning he jumped out of bed and looked out of the window, but there the pig was wallowing in the mud again.

Disappointed, he thought he would give it one last try. So he loaded the pig into the wheelbarrow and took her around to run with the neighbour's boar for the third time. In the morning he couldn't bear to look out of the window, so asked his wife to look out instead. "Is she wallowing in the mud again?" he asked. "No" said the wife.

"Don't tell me she's rolling in the grass?" he replied. " No" said the wife.
"Well, what is she doing then?" the farmer asked. His wife replied "sitting in the wheelbarrow!"

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windscreen wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a parking ticket from a police officer, along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

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A little girl complained to her father, "Daddy, I wish I had a little
sister!"

Trying to be funny, her father joked, "But honey, you already have a
sister!"

Confused, the toddler asked, "I do?"

"Sure," her dad said, pulling the kid's chain. "You don't see her because every time you come in the front door, she scoots out the back door!"

The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed, "You mean just like my other daddy!"

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Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend?

A: "You're fun to hang around with."


Q: What do you call two birds in love?

A: Tweethearts!


Q: Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?

A: It was Valenswine's Day!


Q: Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?

A: Sure, they're very scent-imental!


Q: What did the paper clip say to the magnet on Valentine's Day?

A: "I find you very attractive."


Q: What country makes you shiver?

A: Chile.


Q: What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A: A piano.

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'



When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'




An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.' The old woman faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'




A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'





When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon...
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'



Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'


THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

This is apparently a genuine reply from the Inland Revenue. The Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it. The funniest part of this is imagining the content of the letter sent to the Tax Office, which prompted this reply:



Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy,traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole..

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime,whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other,I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,

H J Lee
Customer Relations
Inland Revenue