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For amusement only. By the new Caz nr. Heathrow &

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 2 Dec 2011 14:50

FRIDAY FUNNIES
>
> I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my
> friend, "That's us in 10 years."
> She said, "That's a mirror, you fool!"
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
> Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says,
> "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs
> me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
>
> "We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day
> off."
>
> "Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
>
>
> I was meeting a friend in a bar and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls
> looking at me "Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.
> Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a
> girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.
> "I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were
> speaking German."
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
> Even though she had a nasty cold, my mother insisted on going to a church
> supper as planned. She tucked several tissues into her clothing, just in
> case she might need them.
>
> During dinner, she used the two in her sleeves, and then she realized that
> putting the third tissue into her bra hadn't been such a good idea. She
> discreetly tried to fish it out but couldn't find it. As she peeked down the
> front of her dress my dad hissed, "What on earth is the problem?"
>
> There was a lull in the conversation as Mom looked up from her neckline.
>
> "Oh, Dear," she said worriedly. "I had three when I came in."
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
>
>
> Years ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called
> witchcraft ---- now it's called golf.
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
>
>
> Did you hear that they are going to join You tube, Twitter & Facebook
> together to form the biggest social network site ever.
>
> They are going to call it You Twit Face.
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
> A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his
> ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril and a cucumber in the other ear.
>
> The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
> The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right."
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
>
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
> I was making love to this girl and she started crying.
>
> I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"
>
> She said. "No. I hate myself now."
>
>
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
>
> If Australia is the lucky country; then why are Spain, Italy and Greece
> getting new Prime Ministers?
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
>
>
> Dear God,
> My prayer for 2012 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.
> Please don't mix these up like you did last year.
> AMEN!
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
> A passenger on a Southwest flight says that he once faced a flight delay
> just before they boarded. A flight attendant picked up the microphone and
> announced: "We're sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the
> handles off your luggage is broken, so we're having to do it by hand. We
> should be finished and on our way shortly."
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
>
>
> With fire alarms blaring at my mom's apartment complex, she grabbed her
> favorite bathing suit and ran out. "A bathing suit?" I said later. "Of all
> the priceless things in that apartment, that's what you chose to save?"
> "Material things come and go," she said. "But a one-piece suit that
> doesn't make you look fat is impossible to replace."
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
>
>
> An apparent Drunken Cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh
> Theater.
>
> When the Usher came by and noticed him, he whispered to the Cowboy,
>
> "Sorry, Sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
>
> The Cowboy just groaned but didn't even budge.
>
> The Usher became more impatient and insistent: "Sir, if you don't get up
> from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
>
> Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The Usher marched briskly back up the
> aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
>
> Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but without
> success. He just laid there in a dazed stupor.
>
> Finally they had enough and summoned the police.
>
> A Texas Ranger arrived, surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, "Alright
> buddy what's your name?"
>
> "Sam," the Cowboy moaned.
>
> "Where y'all from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.
>
> With terrible pain in his voice, a grim expression and without moving a
> muscle, Sam said, "The Balcony."
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
> Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter?
>
> A: Patty!
>
>
> Q: How do you make a hotdog stand?
>
> A: Steal its chair!
>
>
> Q: What washes up on small beaches?
>
> A: Microwaves.
>
>
> Q: Where do geologists go for good music?
>
> A: To a rock concert!
>
>

~~~Secret Red ^^ Squirrel~~~  **007 1/2**

~~~Secret Red ^^ Squirrel~~~ **007 1/2** Report 3 Dec 2011 20:57

actually I find a lot of the jokes offensive. I was actually looking for some humour!

*$parkling $andie*

*$parkling $andie* Report 4 Dec 2011 00:02

Every one has a different sense of humour . S R S.

Keep them coming P F.

~~~Secret Red ^^ Squirrel~~~  **007 1/2**

~~~Secret Red ^^ Squirrel~~~ **007 1/2** Report 4 Dec 2011 08:36

Yes everyone has a different sense of humour. My point is that when some of the jokes are racist or prejudiced, they have no place on a genealogy forum.

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 4 Dec 2011 17:33

From Caz nr Heathrow


READ THIS SLOWLY....

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, 'How about going to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't. I have clothes on the line.. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain.' And my personal favorite: 'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because we cram so much into our lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process The other day , I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.
Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you.

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask 'How are you?' Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away. ... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.


It's National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.

To those I have sent this to... I cherish our friendship and appreciate all you do.

'Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!'

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 4 Dec 2011 19:03

This explains why I forward jokes.


A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.


After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.


When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

'Of course sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveller asked.

'I'm sorry sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.


After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
'How about my friend here?' the traveller gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump.'
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
'What do you call this place?' the traveller asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveller said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

Ssssoooo...

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.

Maybe this will explain.


When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?
A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.



You are always welcome @ my water bowl anytime

*$parkling $andie*

*$parkling $andie* Report 5 Dec 2011 12:42

Nice one P F.
Sandie.x

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 6 Dec 2011 14:17

A Neighbours Dog.

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my garden.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
Hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.


An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my front garden, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is
And ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.

Can I come with him tomorrow?

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 10 Dec 2011 17:39

A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.


A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 11 Dec 2011 14:53

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.


2. An old friend who once saved your life.


3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading. . .


This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.


YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'


HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the bonnet of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.


Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 11 Dec 2011 14:58

Did you know “listen” and “silent” use the same letters?

Do you know that the words “race car” spelled backwards still spells “race car”?

And that “eat” is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense “ate”?

And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in “illegal immigrants,” and add just a few more letters, it spells:

“Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, non-English-speaking jackasses and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you.”

How weird is that?

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 15 Dec 2011 19:02

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and
searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this
ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked
at her.

He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME... YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'

The older lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything
else.So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front
seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog
whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'!

So! The older lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young,
handsome prince

THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLDER LADY'S KISS.


SUDDENLY THE OLDER LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW
CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLDER LADY TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS!



*

*

*

*






SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST Travelodge SHE COULD FIND!!!




She's older..... NOT BLOODY DEAD!!!!!


OLD LADIES ROCK










Don't you just love it !!!!

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 16 Dec 2011 17:44


Weekend funnies!!!!!


Reason given by a woman for being absent from work on Monday . . .
"My husband took an overdose of Vi*gra and I couldn't leave him with the
maid."

------------------------------------------------



.

"A friend of mine died recently after inhaling a can of Mr Sheen.....it was
a horrible end....but, a beautiful finish".

------------------------------------------------



I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my
friend,

"That's us in 10 years".

He said "That's a mirror, you idiot!

------------------------------------------------

"Today is International Ninja Day, when people are encouraged to carry toy
weapons and wear black masks. And as I found out the hard way, my bank
wasn't celebrating it."
------------------------------------------------



During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."

------------------------------------------------



Got a new bottle of aftershave the other day, smells like bread crumbs. The birds love it


Have you heard the news that REM have split up?! Shocked. I fainted in the curry house when I heard the news. That's me in the korma...

------------------------------------------------

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the
afternoon.

Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling, you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the
diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money
that time and said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"

Wife, with a smile, blushing: "Yes I remember that, my love."

Husband, "Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop."

------------------------------------------------

.from students.

Sometimes in the war they take prisoners and keep them as ostriges until the war is over. Some prisoners end up in consterpation camps


A mosque is a sort of church. The main difference is that the roof is doomed
If you marry two people you are a pigamist, but morons are allowed to do
this


I would like to be an accountant but you have to know a lot about moths If
it is less than 90 degrees it is a cute angel


The closest town to France is Dover. You can get to France on a train or you can go on a fairy


Then Joan of Ark met her end. She was burned as a steak


Sir Walter Raleigh circumcised the world with a bit clipper


Crabs and cfeatures like them all belong to a family of crushed asians


In geography we learned that countries with sea around them are islands and ones without sea are incontinents


In Scandinavia, the Danish people caome from Denmark, the Norwegians come from Norway and the Lapdancers come from Lapland

------------------------------------------------

Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives almost better than they do.

Why is this?

In the early 80's researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly unconnectable pieces...

That, and they go through your stuff while you're in the shower.

------------------------------------------------


A teacher at West Australian University reminded her pupils of tomorrow's
final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but thats it, no other
excuses whatsoever!"

A smart teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter s*xual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

------------------------------------------------



Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He had never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced
me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat
just like mine. I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the
back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat.
What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I
talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal 'ya decided you would rather do without
your hat than burn in Hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."

------------------------------------------------



Q. What do you call a very old ant?
A. An antique.

Q. What is even smarter than a talking bird?
A. A spelling bee.

Q. Why shouldn't you loan books to a dog?
A. It will make them dog-eared.

Q. What do you call a cat that can jump far?
A. A catapult


Q: What do snowmen wear on their heads?

A: Ice caps!


Q: How do you call an Eskimo cow?

A: An Eskimoo!


Q: Why do Vikings make the best weathermen?

A: Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!


Q: What does a bankrupt frog say?

A: Baroke, baroke, baroke.




==============================================

George

George Report 16 Dec 2011 17:49

Love the jokes, just feel your wasting your time on this lot.


George :-D :-D

*$parkling $andie*

*$parkling $andie* Report 16 Dec 2011 18:42

I also love P F jokes and have acknowledged them in the past.
I have replied on the thread the past as it is recorded in 'My Threads' and I've pm'd him when some are close to the knuckle, whilst it didn't bother me I thought he may get R R 'd.

I think it's a bit rude of you George to say P F's jokes are wasted on this lot !
Never seen you reply before.

Sandie.
Edit..my last reply was on 4th Dec ...still on this page.

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 16 Dec 2011 21:03

Wife to Husband:

You were so drunk last night that you insulted your boss.

Husband:

Piss on him!!!

Wife:

You did, and he fired you!!!

Husband:

F..k him!!!

Wife:

I did, and you can go back to work on Monday!!!

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 17 Dec 2011 17:21

Here is old age at its best



Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park
every day to feed the pigeons, watch the
squirrels and discuss world problems.


One day Russ didn't show up.
Fred didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something..
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week
or so, Fred really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got
together was at the park, Fred didn't know
where Russ lived, so he was unable to find
out what had happened to him.


A month had passed, and Fred figured
he had seen the last of Russ, but one day,
Fred approached the park and--
lo and behold!--there sat Russ!
Fred was very excited and happy to see him
and told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ,
what in the world happened to you?'


Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'


'Jail!' cried Fred. What in the world for?'


'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue,
that cute little blonde waitress at the
coffee shop where I sometimes go?'



'Yeah,' said Fred, 'I remember her.
What about her?


'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I
was rich and she filed rape charges
against me; and, at 89 years old,
I was so proud that when I got into court,
I pleaded 'guilty'.


'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'


Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 24 Dec 2011 10:30

I see Kelvin Mackenzie's column in today's Daily Mail includes two jokes that I posted on my thread 16/12.
I wonder if he reads Genes Reunited?????

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 3 Jan 2012 19:42

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, in Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do.

Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 5 Jan 2012 11:18

Shipwrecked Welshman


A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted
island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance..

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around
it..

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of
them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Ann Widdecombe. That evening, the man
brought Ann to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful
evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect
for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings
again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and
leaned over to Ann and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Ann batted
her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Could you take the dog for a walk?'