General Chat

Don't forget comic relief this year . Just £5 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his girlfriend .

:-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender,'Would you like a drink?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit the Middle East.

Two million Muslims have died and over a million have been injured.

Iraq and Iran are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is to send troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian countries are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

GREAT BRITAIN , not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.

"Dad, where did I come from?" asks a 7-years-old.
The father was shocked that a 7 year old would be asking a question like that. He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained every thing to his son. When he finished, he asked his son what prompted his question to which his son replied, "I was talking to the new kid across the street and he said that he came from England , so I was just wondering where I came from".......

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas , Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did.

A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?"
Lee responded, “Yes Ma'am, I do."

The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?”

Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her."

Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech!
If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!...

'Three Cornish Kick Rule'


An English lawyer went duck hunting in Truro . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Cornwall. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.
When you're intelligent, you know which half.

Subject: BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS



Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and
found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every
buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden? POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make
those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any
butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life... better still, you
won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.... As a
matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest
of your life!!!'

Then POOF!... she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred,
where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred!' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!

Jack and Stu entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, Stu steals 3 chocolate bars. After leaving the store, Stu says to Jack : "Man I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me, you cant beat that". Jack replies : "You want to see something better, lets go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing. " So they went to the counter and Jack says to the Shop keeper : "Do you want to see magic ?" Shop keeper replies :"Yes." Jack says : "Give me one chocolate bar." The shopkeeper gave him one, and he eats it. He asks for the second, and he eats that as well. He asks for the third, and finishes that one too. The shop keeper asks : "But where's the magic ?" Jack replies : "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them".

:-D :-D

Im pinching that one :-D ;-)

Romantic Wife
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you!"
The husband, typically, non - romantic, replied:
"I am on the toilet. Please advise."