General Chat

Irish birth Conbtrol


Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when
she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin'to ye! Aren't ye Mrs Donovan
and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'


She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'


The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'


She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'


The Father said, 'Well now,I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'


She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'

They then parted ways..


Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me ,have ye any wee ones yet?'


She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles,
ten in all!'


The Father said, 'That's wonderful! And how is yer loving
hoosband doing?'


She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

Hmm! I just read that last one...........

in stereo!!

LOL

Old age!

Lol

Pilgrim father... glad I have this in 'My Threads'... or whatever it is called now!

An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf. So he puts his name down at the local club. After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down. So he goes down to the club to enquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.

Scot: Aye, so do I.

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?

Scot: Aye, neither do I.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So you are circumcised?

Scot: Aye, I be that too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.

Scot: Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.
And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus.

But this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.

Only 5% of Stanford University graduates figured it out!

Can you answer all seven of the following questions with the same word?

1. The word has seven letters....
2. Preceded G-d...
3. Greater than G-d...
4. More Evil than the devil...
5. All poor people have it...
6. Wealthy people need it....
7. If you eat it, you will die.

Did you figure it out?






Try hard before looking at the answers




Did you get it yet?




Give up?









Brace yourself for the answer....





The Answer is:






NOTHING!


NOTHING has 7 letters.
NOTHING preceded G-d.
NOTHING is greater than G-d.
NOTHING is more Evil than the devil.
All poor people have NOTHING.
Wealthy people need NOTHING.
If you eat NOTHING, you will die.

Only 5% of Stanford University graduates figured it out!

Can you answer all seven of the following questions with the same word?

1. The word has seven letters....
2. Preceded G-d...
3. Greater than G-d...
4. More Evil than the devil...
5. All poor people have it...
6. Wealthy people need it....
7. If you eat it, you will die.

Did you figure it out?






Try hard before looking at the answers




Did you get it yet?




Give up?









Brace yourself for the answer....





The Answer is:






NOTHING!


NOTHING has 7 letters.
NOTHING preceded G-d.
NOTHING is greater than G-d.
NOTHING is more Evil than the devil.
All poor people have NOTHING.
Wealthy people need NOTHING.
If you eat NOTHING, you will die.

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box,
it's a rooster."
Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

-------------------------------------------------

Husband says to wife " How do you control your anger when I annoy you ?"

Wife replied " I just go and clean the toilet "

Husband " How does that help ?"

Wife " I use your toothbrush."

-------------------------------------------------


A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman
stands up: "You're making' out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughta punch you in the nose."

"I'm sorry sir, I..."

"Not you," says the Irishman, "I'm talking to that little fella on your
knee."

-------------------------------------------------

"A book came out for women that tells them how to please men in bed. The title of the book is "Just Show Up".


-------------------------------------------------

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill.
The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and
turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the
window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

-------------------------------------------------



Wife: "There's trouble with the car. it has water in the carburettor."

husband: " Water in the carbuerttor? That's ridiclous."

Wife: " I tell you, the car has water in the carburettor."

Husband : " You don't even know what a carburettor is . Where's the car?"

Wife: " In the swimming pool."

-------------------------------------------------

My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa.
She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war.
"We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."

"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.

"Oh, I didn't marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."

-------------------------------------------------



"Did you know that 66 percent of Australians can't do basic maths?

That's almost half!"

-------------------------------------------------



I've always wanted to be somebody,
but I should have been more specific.

-------------------------------------------------

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his
sleep. Not screaming and terrified like all the passengers in his car."


-------------------------------------------------

1st man: "I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking a hundred aspirin."

2nd man: "Oh my God! What happened?"

1st man: "After the first two, I felt better."

-------------------------------------------------

A man wakes up one morning in British Columbia to find a bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do?"
the homeowner asks. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his test*cles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

-------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a traveling flea?

A: An itch hiker.


Q: Why should you not trust the ocean?

A: Because there is something fishy about it.


Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?

A: To get to the other slide.


Q: What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

A: You can't tuna fish...


Q: What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?

A: A sham rock!


Q: Why do leprechauns hide behind 4-leaf clovers and not 3-leaf clovers?

A: They need all the luck they can get!


Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?

A: Patty O'furniture!

Xmas presents.


I'm not buying my Mother-in-law a present this Xmas - she hasn't yet used the one I bought her last Xmas.



It was a burial plot!!!!!

I think this one has already been published. Never mind!


A Golfer’s Story




An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table,took his wife's hand in his and said,"Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 173 more votes?"

The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ ~ ~ and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'


You're going to love the Dad's reply:










'Did you also notice that they all WALKED everywhere they went?'

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation
that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and
Proclaims, .. 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new
Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport
their children!'

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If
the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and
also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all
his
children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher
stays, .... I will give him sex!'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you
to say that?'

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to
side,
while his wife replies, 'Well , I just asked my husband how we could
help,
and he said,......'Screw him!'

Isn't senility wonderful?

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation
that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and
Proclaims, .. 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new
Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport
their children!'

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If
the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and
also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all
his
children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher
stays, .... I will give him sex!'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you
to say that?'

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to
side,
while his wife replies, 'Well , I just asked my husband how we could
help,
and he said,......'Screw him!'

Isn't senility wonderful?

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

> HOW TO START A FIGHT
>
>
> One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
> Christmas gift...
> The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
> When she asked me why, I replied,
> "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
> ______________________________
>
> My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
> I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
> 'No,' she answered. I then said,
> 'Is that your final answer?'
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
> And that's when the fight started...
>
> ________________________________
>
> I took my wife to a restaurant.
> The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
> "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
> "Nah, she can order for herself."
> And that's when the fight started.....
>
> ________________________________
>
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
> she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
> I asked her, "Do you know him?"
> "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
> "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
> that long?"
> And then the fight started...
>
> ________________________________
>
> When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else
> to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
> When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
> busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
> The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
>
> ________________________________
>
> My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
> She asked, "What's on TV?"
> I said, "Dust."
> And then the fight started...
>
> ________________________________
>
> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
> slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van,
> and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
> My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
> husband is out fishing in that?"
> And that's how the fight started...
>
> ________________________________
>
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
> She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
> seconds."
> I bought her a bathroom scale.
> And then the fight started......
>
> ________________________________
>
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
> Social Security.
> The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
> I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
> come back later.
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
> So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
> She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
> she processed my Social Security application..
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
> Social Security office...
> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
> disability, too.'
> And then the fight started...
>
> ________________________________
>
> My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
> She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
> "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
> I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
> I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
> And then the fight started........
>
>

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.' Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.



The agent asked, 'What's your name?'


The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.'

'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years, you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! You will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'

I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER the agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, he reads the letter enclosed.

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.

You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said.

I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.

I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation, once again many thanks.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

I have just discovered this important information below. Please share with all your friends.
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!!


It's the shampoo I use in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body.

Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

No WONDER I have been gaining weight!!!

Well, I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dish Washing Liquid instead.

It's label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!

If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!

BRIAN

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into
the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian
Sullivan, every single time."


Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."


Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play
the piano. He was an amazing guy."


Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."


Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which
fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse,
and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything
right."


Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."


Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never
made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his
clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the
perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian
Sullivan."


Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"


Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his
F****ing' widow."

Subject: Where I've Been




I have been in many places, but I have never been in Cahoots.


Apparently you can't go there alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.



I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognises you there.




I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport. You have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my family, friends and those where I have worked.



I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump and I am not too much on physical activity anymore.



I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.



I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.



Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.



One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense, It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart. At my age I need all of the stimuli I can get.



And, as you all know, I can often be found in the State of Confusion!

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
Bloody thing up.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
Contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---


Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For god’s sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging
About!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
Feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hangin’ meself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I tried dat" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

.. ………………. ...........................................................

An American tourist asks an Irish dive master: "Why do Scuba divers
always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be
in the bloody boat

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.


Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.