General Chat

;-)
I'm Welsh, saw it coming soon as Ann W came into the picture.

Nice one PF

Subject: FW: ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX


> Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are
> having.

> Please find a list of companies below catering for most
> tastes:
>
> Sex with your wife - Legal & General.
>
> Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.
>
> Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.
>
> Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.
>
> Sex with a Fat bird - More Than.
>
> Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.
>
> Sex with a posh bird - Privileged.
>
> Sex with an OAP - Saga !
>
> Sex with a transvestite - confused.com!
>

A sobering thought


10 years ago Bob Hope died

5 years ago Johnny Cash died

A couple of months ago Steve Jobs died

A few weeks ago Jimmy Saville died

Now we have no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs and nobody left to Fix It

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
Vacuum cleaner.


Talk about Dyson with death.

Hospital Bill





You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.



A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery..

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."



Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Political correctness.




It is no longer politically-correct to direct a joke at any specific racial or ethnic minority, so here is an attempt to meet those sensitivities

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Bolivian, a Tibetan, a Manxman, a Brazilian, a Portugese, a Burmese and an Ethiopian went to a night club.


The bouncer said,
"Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai."

Lol ... PF

Thanks

GinaS

Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.

"I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.

"What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks.

"I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch."

-----------------------------------------------------



The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would
'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.


Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get
used to the idea.


Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your
casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what
would you like them to say?'
Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine
spiritual leader, and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and
servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'

-----------------------------------------------------

When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked my friend Dan if
he would share the results with his wife.

"That would require me to go home and say, 'Hi, honey. I just paid someone
$400 to tell me what's wrong with me,'" he said. "And based on that,
considering we've been married 23 years, she'd hand me a bill for about
$798,000."

-----------------------------------------------------

"A new sleep study suggested that insomnia is linked to early death. Well
that should help you doze off. If you weren't sleeping before, this should
knock you right out."
-----------------------------------------------------

In a train compartment, there are three men and one ravishing young girl.
The four passengers join in a conversation, which very soon turns to the
erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1, I will show
you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of
their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $5, I'll show you my
thighs." Men being what they are, they all pull out a five-dollar bill. The
girl pulls up her dress all the way to her p*nties.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their
coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $20, I will show you
where I was operated on for an appendicitis."

Naturally, all three fork over the money, and then the girl turns to the
window and points to a hospital in the distance and says, "Right over
there!"

-----------------------------------------------------


.. What Confucius did not say!

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

-----------------------------------------------------



A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. there is
strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the
defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty
and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever
trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all" the lawyer
says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in
this case will walk into this court room," he says looks towards the
courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look eagerly. A minute
passes. Nothing happens.

Finally the lawyer says "Actually I made up the previous statement. But you
all looked in anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is
reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist
that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused,
retires to deliberate. A few minutes laster, the jury returns and a
representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have some doubt; I saw all of you
stare at the door." Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your
client didn't."

-----------------------------------------------------

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got
some bad news for you."

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some
good news for once."

"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."

-----------------------------------------------------

One woman was talking to her friend, "You should listen to my neighbor," she
says. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor husband behind his back. I think
that's so rude. Look at me! My husband is fat, lazy and cheap; but have you
ever heard me say a bad word about about him?"

-----------------------------------------------------

Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?

A: To get his teeth crowned.


Q: What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?

A: A headbanger.


Q: How do you make a bandstand?

A: Take away their chairs.


Q: What did Ernie say to Burt when asked if he wanted ice cream?

A: Sure-Burt!

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

As he steps in, he's struck dumb: There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall holds a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then he hears the door on the other side open and the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me," he says, "for its been a very long time since I've been to confession. But I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be!"

"Get out you fool!" the priest hisses. "You're on my side!"

Subject: A BLONDE JOKE THAT YOU'VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE





After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the
Shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go
Out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for
Free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't
You go give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young
Woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning
Reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the
Slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched
In amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.

Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration......

Sonofabitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

Paddy goes for a job at a chemical factory, the factory manager asks "Have you worked with chemicals before?"

"Yes!" Paddy replies.

The manager asks "Can you tell me what nitrate is?"

Paddy replies "I"m hoping its going to be time and a half.

Roflol~~~

Brill ;-) ;-)

fort this thread was gonn into cyberspace.........

Bob

nudge

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with
a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

· A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake
fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

· I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a
grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about
with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I
thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

· My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I
went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I
can get one cheaper off the web.

· I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I
could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

· I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good
Korea move.

· I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The
driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

· Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

· My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you
believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

· Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." Sod that"
says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

· Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator
says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is
building up!"

· I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I
presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

· I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor
standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was
petrified.

· A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and
talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a
wheelchair.

· I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you
get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I
would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

· The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare
for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes
back.

· The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen
table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for
no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

· When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that
they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse
the bloomin thing

· Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has
stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the
attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

· Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I
could eat it!

· A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea
break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is
angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear
and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have
their picks nicked

· Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit
on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

Boom boom.

A Pakistani’s son asks his dad, "Dad, what's democracy?"



"Well son, that's when whites work and we get all the benefits from it!"



"But dad, aren't the white people pi**ed off about it?"



"Sure they are, but that's called 'racism'"

I just got sacked from my job with the Samaritans.

Someone called Abdul phoned and said, "I'm lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come".

All I said was, "Remain calm and stay on the line" .. . .

· I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It does more than the normal one
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
On exactly how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour" it says
"And you're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
It lists those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things
and - keeps me warm in bed!
(author unknown)

o

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )




Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila