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adoption/please be gentle on adoptees.

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Sue (Sylvia Z )

Sue (Sylvia Z ) Report 3 Jan 2005 14:05

I'm also adopted and searching for my birth mother. In reply to Lou's message on p3 of this thread, I found out accidently that I was adopted when I was sixteen and trying to join the RAF. the Sergeant interviewing me said "you know you're adpoted, what do you feel about that?" Then I had to live with this "secret" for several weeks until my adoptive parents realised that I knew. However, due to circumstances at the time, I was not "officially" adopted and at 17 had to go to Court to have everything made legal, along with visits from Social Services to make sure I had not been abused, etc. As you can understand, it was a strange experience and I felt I did not know who I really was. Leaping forward to the present, my mother is Polish and it is very difficult to find her. I know a lot about her, but not where she is now. Like others, I have joined NORCAP and I'm sure Lou, they would act as an intermediary if you wanted some help. Also, like so many of you, I feel time is not on my side as my mother is now 84. It has been really helpful to read all the comments, but to echo what someone said before,every case is different and you don't quite know what to to for the best in some cases. I'm always willing to give any help to anyone searching, as I have now gone down so many roads with dead ends. best wishes, Sue PS Just before Christmas, someone thought they had found my mother, but it was a different person with a similar name. My feelings changed again from how I felt while searching and I wasn't quite sure if I actually would want to meet my mother!!


Unknown Report 4 Jan 2005 12:38

Sue That must have been a shock and I can't begin to imagine how that much have felt. I guess you would assume with such an unusual surname she would have been easy to locate but (as anyone researching can tell you!) that isn't always the case. The 'time is running out' factor is something that I seriously need to consider. I'm not sure which would be more overwhelming, the feeling of rejection if I contact her and she doesn't wish to respond, or contacting her to find out I'm too late and that she would have liked to have heard from me Lou

The Bag

The Bag Report 4 Jan 2005 12:57

I can feel where Lou is at; I have found my birth mother and contact is on an occasional basis, very much on her terms.She really doesn't want to know, and says our half brothers don't either. I have also traced my birth father (now dead) Whose grandson says his father,who died a couple of years ago ( who would have been half bro on fathers side) would have been proud to know me. You just do not know what to do for the best I think i went into the whole thing thinking 'negative reaction expected' and anything that came out of it on a positive side was a bonus. The hard thing is there are no rules,Every case is different and everyone thinks differently. I guess there are as many 'want to be found' as there are 'seekers' and many in both camps. "Being found" takes away the onus on someone wanting to be found, But wonder how many 'found' wanted to be so? sorry i'm waffling! Please feel free to message me if you ever want a chat JessX


Edith Report 4 Jan 2005 17:24

Happy New Year, Ihave spent a long time reading these messages. I had my daughter adopted 31 years ago, for reasons I wont mention. I have never given up hope of finding her. Put my name on lists, asked Trisher, Cilla Black even. In late november I joined the website to do my family tree. I found her a few days later, and went from finding her, to being a granny in one week. I never married or had any more children. My greatest fear was that she would hate me for what happend. How wrong was I. I think there should be a new site for adoptees and adoptive parents to search. I hope you all find happiness the way I have, and never ever give up hope. Years ago, things were different, now you have computers to help you. Good luck to all.. Edith

The Bag

The Bag Report 4 Jan 2005 17:27

There are a whole tribe of people out there that just might want to know me, unless i ask I guess i'll never know. There are a whole tribe of people out there that dont want to know me or they'd have come looking by now. Jess x 'confused'

Elizabeth A

Elizabeth A Report 4 Jan 2005 17:49

Try this group on msn http://groups(.)msn(.)com/BirthParentsAdoptees Hope this helps Liz

Joan Allan

Joan Allan Report 5 Jan 2005 03:53

As an adoptive mother and a researcher who tries so hard to reunite adoptees with their natural families all I can say is "go with your heart". My website offers the facility to place your searching messages on and if you are not comfortable with giving all your information to the 'world' you can email me direct with all your background. Everything I hold is on a confidential basis and is not given to anyone, if I find any information about who you are seeking, no action is taken at all without permission from the seeker. I must reiterate that if I find the person being sought, I am not at liberty to release the information because of the Data Protection Act but am willing to act as third party in trying to bring everyone together. I have many successes under my belt and I can reassure all those seeking that rejections are few and far between. Gerri, Dave the Tyke, Ken Stockley, Liz Lewis are just a few I have helped and they will tell you I don't ram anything down anyone's throat. I am here for support for all parties and want to help reunite as many as I can. God bless everyone in their searches and I hope everyone's dreams come true. Joan


Maxine Report 5 Jan 2005 08:51

It's been very interesting reading all the replies. My Husband Tony was adopted at 6wks in 1959. His birth mother was only 16yrs and her father had insisted that the baby be adopted or else have nothing more to do with the family . Tony had a great childhood with wonderful adopted parents. It was when I was pregnant with our son that he started to wonder about his birth mother & father. This year he found out where his birth mother was and wrote to her. She sent a letter straight back expressing her wish for no contact. She did tell him about health issue's in the family but never mentioned anything about siblings(we know he has a half brother & sister. He accepts this though of course hurt by her rejection. He thinks she probably kept him a secret. He will not contact her again as he doesn't want to cause her distress. I think its a shame that she has denied Tony his half siblings and them the opportunity of knowing him(He is worth knowing). Tony would still like to find his birth father but of course, is understandably cautious. Maxine


MrsBucketBouquet Report 5 Jan 2005 11:15

I would like to express my thanks to Joan Allan for all the help and advice she gave me in my search for my Sister. Joan gets a thread and doesnt stop untill she gets what she's looking for. She works for hours n hours all for others. Her payment!....OUR happiness! Yes! we opened a can of worms but nothing that cannot be worked out. Afterall! It's been 52 years! Please remember....your strangers when/if you meet and you have to get to know each other. I know that Joan is still there for me ..bless her. Be warned! Joan can talk the hind legs off a donkey but she has a heart of gold and it's in the right place. I love her lol. (she's gonna kill me for that comment) ;o) A very grateful Gerri xx


Unknown Report 5 Jan 2005 12:00

In the past few days I've placed a note on Joan's website. I don't know whether it will lead to anything, probably not...but I can't say that I haven't tried. As I've said before, I have an idea where my birth mother is and I also suspect that she doesn't want to be found. I'd just like to know that...just for her to say I'm glad you're happy but I'd rather leave things the way they are would be fine. It's the not knowing...wondering whether she's out there waiting for me to get in touch or whether she's sat there thinking that she hopes I leave her to her life that's the hard part Lou xxx

The Bag

The Bag Report 5 Jan 2005 12:55

I did knew Joan was a way for christmas, and know she follows GR and hoped she would contribute to this thread. There She is! I cant get over just how determind Joan is to see things thru to the end! Three cheers for Joan Hip Hip.. Jessx

Joan Allan

Joan Allan Report 5 Jan 2005 13:24

Lancashire Lou Please contact Joan. I have news for you.

Joan Allan

Joan Allan Report 5 Jan 2005 13:24

Lancashire Lou Please contact Joan. I have news for you.


Unknown Report 5 Jan 2005 18:08

Thanks Joan Have emailed you...only just come online Lou xx


MrsBucketBouquet Report 5 Jan 2005 23:07

OH MY GOD!!!!!! Looks like our Joans ona roll!!!!! lol GO JOAN GOoooooo! xxx HOORAH! hip hip HOORAH! hip hip HOORAH! Lou's in safe hands now :))) Gerri x


Unknown Report 5 Jan 2005 23:31

Hi All I've spoken with Joan on the phone tonight and we're making progress. An interesting bit of info she did have for me was that it appears I have not one brother, but two! She's continuing to search for me and will be back in touch! Lou xxx


Margaret Report 5 Jan 2005 23:37

Lou I have been following this thread with interest. I am not adopted nor have had a child adopted, but am glad to see you and others are making progress. I'm sure we would all like to know how you get on in the future whatever you decide to do with the info Joan gives you. Good Luck Margaret


Melanie Report 6 Jan 2005 06:45

The problem here in NZ is that when you are adopted, you get a "new" birth certificate. My husband after a horrible time was told by his ex that her new husband was adopting thier son. He was told this on the day of his dad's funeral and was in such a state, he signed the papers. All we know is that they moved to Australia but not if the adoption went through. Its next on my list of things to try to find out. If it did go through, there is no way the son can ever find out he is adopted unless someone tells him. My husband tries to blot it out of his mind but I know he wonders about his son. The boy was only 3 at the time and now would be about 12. I hope that one day he will turn up, but even if he knows, you can't get details here until you are 20 so we have a long wait ahead


McDitzy Report 6 Jan 2005 08:02

I'm not adopted. But it has been wonderful to read such courageous and considerate messages. Lou - your half brother may know that you were born but might have been told that you died. My housemate last year was adopted. She had two older half sisters, and was the product of an affair. Her mother gave her up and told her other daughters that she had died. My ex housemate has no desire to contact her birth family. Her mother has now died. Her half sisters found out about her adoption a few years ago and one of them wrote to her through Social Services, but she never replied. Personally, I think that's rather horrible to ignore a letter like that wjhich would have taken great courage and kindness to send, but each to their own. Chloe


Unknown Report 6 Jan 2005 11:01

It was a bit of a shock when Joan mentioned this 2nd name as I was certain that she'd only had the one child after giving me up for adoption (apologies Marjorie, I was quite adamant about that!). I searched the birth records from 1971 to 1980 on 1837 online and must have missed the 2nd birth. I've not been back into 1837 to look into it further with the site still playing up but I will do in the near future. It also appears that my initial thoughts are correct. She is no longer with her husband, although whether he died or whether they seperated remains unclear. It appears that this 'split' happened around 2001/2002 and with online death records only going up to Dec 2002 at the moment, I haven't been able to establish the facts. Lou xx